[Lost_and_Confused]

I'm not even sure where to begin. I'm 35 and my wife is 27. We've been married almost 3 years now. Since day 1 of married life living together the sex stopped almost immediately. We went from having sex 3 or 4 times a week, indoors and outdoors, to 1 to 2 times a month. Anytime I've tried discussing this with her all I get is "I've been working on it." I don't even know what that means?! She won't talk about sex with me, her friends, or anybody. She has no outlet and simply doesn't believe she needs one. She always gets really upset over women's issues and then, I feel, directs that anger towards me like I'm the one solely responsible for the oppression of women. (she says she doesn't mean to do this but that doesn't really help the situation at all). All I know is that for almost 3 years now I feel like I've been living in a sexless marriage. Now before we start throwing out comments let me also clarify that there is no shortage of love in our marriage. I do love her, I show her ever day and she in turns loves me very much. So why is there so little to our sex life? I don't know. I've tried to get her to watch porn with me, turns out she's disgusted by looking at anyone's naked body, and the thing is she didn't use to be like this until we got married. Is there some trigger or switch that turns on to super prude mode when a woman gets married? I could really use some help to make sense of all this.

[Euphoric]

Marriage didn't flip the switch off for me. Actually, I went into overdrive, lol. After 20 years of marriage, I can still wear him out. We have a very active sex life. Does it get boring? Not really. We are both in to trying new things. Some experiences are, "Wow, how the heck did that happen?" Other experiments are epic failures and we laugh about them, together. Our mentality is, "at least we tried."

Did your wife change/starting taking any new medications? Change in BC pills? Antidepressant? Etc. Medications can have devastating effects on libido. Did you have open discussions about sex before marriage? How open and how well did she communicate? What type of woman issues are you referring to that makes her angry and causes her to lash out?

Discovering the root of the problem will be most helpful, but if she is unwilling to communicate, I'm not sure how you are going to be able to effect a change. She is acknowledging there's a problem if her response is, "I'm working on it." Have you suggested she talk with her doctor, or better yet, going with her to show support? Maybe sex has become painful and there are many things that could cause that. Whatever the issue is, I suspect it embarrasses her and that's why she clams up. Is there a way to plant a seed for her to find a forum, like WHF, to discuss issues anonymously? Sometimes reading about others experiences and learning how they overcame them can be beneficial.

For now, show her you love her with little gestures, tell her how beautiful she is, give her kisses and hugs without expectation. Reassure her. It sounds like somewhere along the line, she's lost her self-esteem…or something. As irritating as sexual frustration can be, try to show encouragement. If she sees irritation and anger, it will cause her to withdraw more.

Best Wishes.

[SpicyV]

How long have you been together in total? Honestly she sounds like a friend if mine that had a miscarriage. She was so afraid shensounds stopped having sex with her husband. She didn't tell anyone for a very long time. It almost ruined their marriage because he wasn't as understanding as you are. Just a thought that maybe something happened that she is afraid to talk about.

[atskitty2]

Was it really that quick & dramatic? As in, week before marriage=4 times, week after marriage=0-1, and continued from there?

Next, when she says she's been working on it, ask her what she's been working on. Do it in such a way that isn't confrontational or questioning the truthfulness of her statement. Encourage her that 2 people working on any issue together is generally better than one going alone. Ask her what you can do to help, assure her that it's really out of love for her that you want to help, and not just your own sexual satisfaction that's on your mind. But also, don't minimize your own need for satisfaction sexually.
These things are generally best discussed outside the bedroom, meaning, at a time that sex isn't on the agenda. Discuss it the same way (sort of) you talk about your family budget needs, or vacation plans. Keep emotions out of it & discuss what's going on.