[MsM]

Hi everyone! I'm new here and this is my first post. I wanted to see what some outside opinions were.

Short Story:
Backstory: Boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He is a virgin. I am not. We are both in our late 20s.
Problem: He either can't get hard or can't stay hard when it comes time for intercourse. He is perfectly fine when it comes to oral/ handjobs or masturbating by himself.
End point: I feel like a huge part of our relationship is missing. The longer we go without it, the sadder it gets. I don't want to be selfish, but I need to have sex in my life. I love him and I know he loves me too, but this is too much for me. It makes me really sad that we are at a stalemate, and then I get into a tailspin with bad self-esteem.

Long story:
My boyfriend and I have been together for just shy of a year, but we have not be able to consummate our relationship. It will be his first time and I know he has nervousness about it. He is able to maintain an erection and finish when it comes to foreplay, but when it's actual intercourse it either goes away or he can't get one at all. He is in good health in every other aspect, eats healthy, works out 4 times a week, etc etc. He spoke with his own physician about it and she recommended PRN Wellbutrin to help with the anxiety. We have tried the Wellbutrin on several instances and it hasn't yielded any success. It was the first time I had heard of it as an option, but I am willing to try anything. I had suggested adult male rings, but that didn't work either.

We are in a closed, monogamous relationship and have been since the beginning. I know he is stressed out because it hasn't happened yet, but it's the cycle of "the longer we go without, the worse the stress gets". It seems like every option I/we think of doesn't have any success. I feel like a very large part of our relationship is missing and really wish there was a resolution available.

Any opinion or suggestions are appreciated. Thanks for your time and thoughts

[Claret]

He spoke with his own physician about it and she recommended PRN Wellbutrin to help with the anxiety. We have tried the Wellbutrin on several instances and it hasn't yielded any success. It was the first time I had heard of it as an option, but I am willing to try anything. I had suggested adult male rings, but that didn't work either.

First of all Welbutrin is a class of drugs used to treat (among other things) depression and anxiety. You say you have tried it several times without any success??? Welbutrin is a drug that you take on a daily basis. It works on receptors in the brain. You can't just take a pill one evening because you feel anxious or because you think it will help with erection problems. It must be taken continuously for it to have any effect for either depression or anxiety and it may take several weeks for it to have the proper affect in his brain.

I think he needs to discuss this further with his doctor and find out exactly how and why this drug is prescribed and used.

Next, he needs to go see a doctor (if his current one won't recommend a specialist - find one that will) that will take a look at his plumbing to ensure there is nothing wrong. He then needs to have the doctor look into the physiology of his body. Failing all this, and assuming then that everything is working as it should be, he may need to have sex therapy to see why he is losing his erections.

The more you focus on his erections being lost the more it will probably happen.

[kira]

Wellbutrin PRN for ED? I suggest another doctor. Wellbutrin is useless when taken as needed. It needs to be taken daily and can take a couple weeks to several months to work. Also it can cause erectile dysfunction or lack of sex drive. It's less common for it to cause those side effects than other antidepressants but the odds of increased libido are rare. Increased libido doesn't sound like it would help your situation anyway because he wants to have sex already. The sex drive is there. If you wanted an anti anxiety or antidepressant to help with the nervousness as needed then a benzo would be best.

If you want to treat the ED instead of the nervousness you need to see a specialized doctor. Usually a male urologist also treats such problems. I would also suggest you do look in to the psychological aspect though. Work on what makes him sexually excited and try to increase it. My husband actually gets more aroused by giving me oral and has occasionally saved his inability to stay hard. Watching porn sometimes helps him. Often he jumps the gun though because it takes much longer of me watching porn and doing foreplay to get aroused. We did go to a urologist but they found nothing wrong and gave us a whole 3 pills a month to use for sex. That would help a short term problem but it's not so useful for our long term problem.

[DreamP346]

to me it really sounds like a psychological issue since he doesn't have a problem during oral and manual. Seeing a sex therapist may help. You could go to a doctor, but I really don't think it's an organic problem and doctors only deal with physical issues.

[Something_Awesome]

It's a psychological issue. It will fix itself. He is just super self conscious right now. He will get more comfortable around you and that will help him deal with the anxiety issues he is having. Just keep reassuring him to help the process.

[muffin70]

I agree with Something Awesome – I think what your BF has is ‘Erectile Dysfunction’ it’s quite common and I had it for several months when I first met ex GF and my wife.

Like your BF I had no problem staying hard for masturbation or a hand job, but couldn’t keep it erect for sex… it took time and I saw a sex therapist who helped a lot. Then it just came right…. I kept my erection and managed to ejaculate inside my wife and I’ve not had a problem since
It took about 5-6 months to come right (pun intended) but the main problems I had was stress, anxiety and I was just trying too hard to please my wife.
Just get him to relax and not worry about things… it will come right eventually
You can always see a sex therapist if you feel you need extra help

[jns]

I have ED and when I first had a girlfriend I had erection problems, also. The underlying cause for the problems when I was young was different than now. The problem was actually being overexcited due to idolizing my girlfriend without relaxing. What the others are saying about relaxing is true. I don't know about all the other drugs, but a slight amount of drinking may get rid of the jitters and the overexcitement. ED drugs usually increase blood flow, but don't get rid of anxiety.

I can tell you a way that may work. Try getting him excited and hard by foreplay. Then go to intercourse for just a few strokes. Maybe use store bought lube as you may not be able to naturally lube enough. Guide him in so there isn't any transition time. Then back to foreplay. Repeat and go a few strokes more each time you repeat - basically longer but not long enough for him to lose his erection. Do the whole thing for 3 to 4 cycles. By the end of it he should be so excited that he will just want to pump away until he climaxes. This will keep his anxiety at bay while his excitement level builds.

Another thing that could help is you being on top. If he isn't the one in control, that could excite him even more.

I found that myself getting all hot and sweaty interfered with climaxing much of the time, so I figured out what positions were less physically demanding.

[Motorguy]

Well MsM, I really think my self your boy friend maybe need to see a sex therapist. To get over this hump with intercourse with you he's just way over amp and not relaxing and loosing the erection. But like Muffin, was saying this will not be fixed in a one time appointment but a few months of therapy will be need to get over this problem.I really don't think it's a physical problem but a mind problem that can be reverse with help from a professional therapist so good luck.

[shoshannah]

I agree that it is probably psychological. It seems that there is something about intercourse that subconsciously scares him. You could explore this with him keeping in mid that he himself may not know what it is. Is it the fear that he won't be good at it and that you will think he's a bad lover? If so, he needs to get comfortable with the idea that he will learn, and he needs to be sure tat you won't be critical. Is it that he thinks you will be comparing him to your previous lovers? Try to reassure him that your thoughts will be on him and not on them. Is he afraid of pregnancy? Make sure you have good birth control and that he's aware of it. Double up if need be. If you're on the pill, have him use a condom, both to help him slow down the first several times and so he can actually see/feel that there is protection present. (The pill/hormones may be more effective, but since they're invisible/not obvious it can be unnerving to rely on them especially at first).

I agree about the wellbutrin. It has to be taken daily.