[calibri~]

Hi all.
I was told last night that I make my SO feel weird about his sexual desires.
Frankly I'm offended.
I've never been judgemental or negative about his fantasises or fetishes, in fact I have encouraged him to be more comfortable with himself....endlessly reassuring him that the things he thinks about and wants are not weird. If something turns you on and doesn't hurt anyone then that's fine by me...I might not understand but I'll accept it.
This arose because SO clearly wanted me to do something for him that I've told him is off the cards for now, yet he keeps reminding me how much it turns him on. Well that's nice dear, but I carried on doing this (no I will not clarify) before beyond my own psychological comfort for his pleasure, and at the point that I started to feel violated, I turned off the tap until I feel comfortable doing it again. I had to explain again that I don't think it weird or sick or shameful what he desires, it's just not something I can do at the moment. If our relationship were stronger and more intimate like it used to be then no problem. I don't think I've ever outright refused to try anything he suggested in bed at least once, but I can't seem to get through to him that if he wants special extras regularly then I'm gonna need some consistent romancing and less pressure....
Do you suppose he's saying he feels weird in the hope that I prove him wrong and he gets his own way?

[effy2014]

Us men generally don't take the first "no" when we don't get our way sexually. Based on your previous posts, your SO always wants to get his way and will belittle you until he does (ie sleeping wars). This time he appears to be playing on your guilt (you make me feel so weird) so you will say yes. You have accurately assessed the situation.

You have catered to him for so long. The request that you made -- more romance and less pressure -- is exceedingly reasonable. I'm not sure I would be offended by his conduct as I'm sure you anticipated it.

[Echo7]

I am new, so haven't read any of your other posts. But yes, he sure sounds like he's guilting you into getting what he wants. How long have been a couple?

[calibri~]

Ah, do you think so? It was quite an afterthought actually, that it might be a ploy.

[effy2014]

Ah, do you think so? It was quite an afterthought actually, that it might be a ploy.

You thought it was an authentic emotion? Hardly. As you wrote, as a general rule, you are very forthcoming with his peculiarities. With his history, my sense is that he is being manipulative.

[calibri~]

Yes effy, I kind of assumed it was genuine. ****! Why am I so naive and easily manipulated?

[effy2014]

Yes effy, I kind of assumed it was genuine. ********! Why am I so naive and easily manipulated?

Because you are a nice, giving woman who gives most everyone the benefit of the doubt. I do not think that you are easily manipulated in most any other context. In this particular relationship, you just have certain blinders. I am so glad, however, that the drug induced depression is gone; my hope is that you will see things more clearly.

[Ashlee T.]

With some men (and women), the focus is always on what they don't/can't have rather than what they DO have. Unfortunately, those people rarely ever change, because they are constantly seeking the thrill of attaining something perceived as unattainable.

He has his boundaries I'm sure. You have yours. Mutual respect is key. It sounds like you've been very open, honest, and willing. But there's this one thing you're not totally comfortable with and he won't let it go? I can't figure out the mentality of wanting to pressure someone in to doing something with their own body that they are genuinely not comfortable with and DON'T want to do. But that's just me. I don't think you've done anything wrong. I think he just doesn't respect boundaries.

[effy2014]

I can't figure out the mentality of wanting to pressure someone in to doing something with their own body that they are genuinely not comfortable with and DON'T want to do. But that's just me. I don't think you've done anything wrong. I think he just doesn't respect boundaries.

A great observation and probably a good topic for its own thread. I am usually proactive when relationships get sexual and specifically say that I do not want my partner to do anything that she is not comfortable with . . . ie, to do it for me even though she would not enjoy it. The last thing I ever want to hear in a fight or in a break up how disgusting she thought [insert activity] was. It's rather humiliating.

[calibri~]

Echo7, We've been together some 8 years.

Beautiful Disaster, thanks for replying - should I respect his boundaires too then - so when he is not comfortable being romantic, decisive, expressive, or encouraging I just don't push the matter because he's not comfortable with that? I have been asking for years for him to do just one thing in bed for me - that is, show some expression, give some feedback - let me know he is enjoying himself because that would be exciting for me - but he is not comfortable doing so - and just has his eyes shut and expressionless silence prevails. I find that very difficult to handle and it puts me off! Honestly, some of the things I have done for him in this department would surprise most of you, and many I wasn't that keen on but did for him anyway. He'll open his eyes and ask what Im thinking, probably expecting me to come out with something terrible sexy but I always say the same thing - "I'm wondering if you are enjoying this"...

yeah effy that would be pretty terrible - if i was asked to do something truly disgusting to me then I'd politely decline, not do it and let it hang over the relationship...