[shoshannah]

Hi,

I’d like some feedback on something. On the whole, DH and I have a great sex life. But sometimes (usually when I’ve had a long day) DH will be interested in sex and I’m not. Most times I’ll go ahead and “take one for the team.” Sometimes I’ll get into it even when I thought I was tired/not interested, but there are nights when I’ll just make him climax quickly to get things over with so I can go on to sleep. Does anyone else do this (i.e., deliberately finish your guy quickly)? And when you do, do you feel selfish/guilty at all? (Well, maybe “guilty” is too strong a word, but you get the idea). Thanks for your input!

[Something_Awesome]

I guess you should feel guilty if you were obligated to have sex. With that being said, I don't think anyone is obligated to have sex. I think it's nice of you to have sex with him when you don't want to, but does he know you don't want to have sex whenever you're not interested? Personally, if my GF did not want to have sex then I would not want to have sex either. I mean, when I want to do something with someone (anything), I want the other person to want to do what it is that I want to do. I find that doing things with others are the most enjoyable when all parties involved desire to do the activity that is being done.

I'm not trying to say that you should want to have sex whenever he wants, but that maybe he shouldn't pressure you when you're not in the mood. I sort of get how you feel because my GF is always in the mood and I'll also "take one for the team" when I am not in the mood, but in my case I don't resist it anymore because I am lucky enough to always end up getting into it.

[LilahX]

I think you could come to a compromise to keep both of you happy. Be honest with him and explain that at the end of the day you're not always in the right frame of mind. Hopefully he's understanding and he'll get what he wants sometimes and you'll get to relax at times too. I do understand your predicament. Men and women are wired so differently with regards to sex. I know my partner feels sex is what gives us the greatest intimacy while I feel all the other stuff we do together creates strong intimacy. But I want him to feel the connection I know he gets from sex and will have sex on occasions when I'd rather not bc I know it's important to him and to maintaining our connection. - and the snuggling/talking afterwards is wonderful. I think your situation is very common, it's just a matter of how people handle it.

[jilljames8184]

Be honest with him. Tell him you are tired and don't feel like sex, but don't just leave it at that. Offer to do him orally. My husband never turns down my offer for an oral session. Matter of fact, I bet most men would take oral most of the time if given the options. Who knows he might decide to do you orally also which can be very stress relieving and be a nice ending to a very tiresome day!

[Jim60]

My wife will often give me a handjob, sometimes with oral, when she's tired. It doesn't take long but she never makes it feel rushed. I quite enjoy it for a change. These days once in a while I will masturbate while she cuddles up and licks/sucks on my nipple which I like. She murmurs encouragement and always watches me cum and comments on it. It's a very intimate feeling and I never feel I am missing out by not having penetration, so to answer the OP's question, there's nothing wrong with getting him off quickly - it's a nice thing to do for a loved one, and he should appreciate it.

[Lexhill]

I have to say I admire what you are doing even thought you treat it like a thing to get done quickly. For me that shows that you are willing to sacrifice a little for your man. And I hope that a "good" wife like you gets pampered for it. Because you deserve that. Marriage and relationships are a give and take thing. When the giving and taking stops it often turns bad.

It does not hurt to make sure that your DH know how you feel thought. And hopefully he will respect you enough to give you the night off some times. And maybe pamper you more.

To tell you the other way around my wife is very often tired and that makes me question her love for me, when she is more interested in sleeping than giving me even a kiss. I know how the other side looks, and believe me as long as it goes both ways doing the occasional quick BJ or HJ would mean the world to me. It's a matter of sacrificing a little of their own comfort to please their loved ones. I do it all the time for my wife.

[Texasred45]

You're doing a good thing, a loving thing, and I'm sure he knows it!
My wife otoh makes me feel like she's doing me a favor even on those very rare occasions when SHE initiates things!

[RanchGirl]

My husband and I have been together for 18 years, and frankly, I have pretty low sex drive and have a very hard time coming. My DH wants for me to be satisfied so I always felt such pressure to get there, and a lot of times I just can't. On top of that, I have to provide clitoral stimulation to come, and vibrators just don't do it right. My wrist starts hurting when I do this, and so pain has become part of the process for me. Needless to say, sometimes I'm just not in the mood to work so hard, and I know he wants me to be satisfied, so that is added pressure, not what I need! There was one point in our marriage where he felt we just weren't having enough sex, and he felt that without enough sex we were just roommates, which wasn't what he wanted. I asked how often would be often enough and he said he could live with 2 x a week. Well, it got to where it was once a week, usually on the weekends, but I held to it no matter what. If I just couldn't get there, then I'd say "I'm done trying, can't get there" and then we'd focus on him. Other times during the week I could tell he was horny and if he doesn't get his release at least once a week, it gets overwhelming for him. I will then offer him a "quickie," meaning that I'm not going to try to come, but I want to take care of him, and I will use all the dirty talk he likes to help him get off. Now I am working on expanding my capabilities (I haven't much enjoyed giving oral but am willing to try to do more things to mix it up for both of us).

I don't think what you're doing is uncommon. It is better than withholding altogether, and you are taking care of his needs. Men have to understand that coming for women isn't always so easy - I'm quite envious of the women who seem to have such an easy time of it or can come without clitoral stimulation. If it were that easy for me I'd probably participate in sex a lot more! Add the pressure of the partner wanting his lady to come and it gets to be too much sometimes. All the ducks have to be in a row for us, so if you're tired and just not in the right mood, it's only fair to express as much but offer to take care of him so that he isn't neglected, feels you care. Communication is KEY!

It always interests me when men weigh in on these topics on a site called "womens-health.com"! Love to hear the male perspective, but fellows, just remember that women feel, think and operate differently from men! Texasred45, I'm sorry that your wife makes you feel she is doing you a favor; that's not cool if that's how you end up feeling. Have you discussed it with her? It's very sad when partners can't communicate, don't feel safe expressing their feelings. I hope you two can talk it through and come to a mutual understanding and try to care for each other's feelings more.

[Something_Awesome]

RanchGirl... If he is pressuring you into climaxing then he is doing it wrong. Sounds like he is not able to keep you comfortable and relaxed.

[Lexhill]

Ranchgirl: I understand your interest on men in these forums. I can from my perspective say that the reason why I created an account is that I have found few Men's forums that give a good reflection on things. Same thing with so called unisex forums. And this forum seemed to allow both sexes but was focused on the females.

I feel my self as a sensitive but manly man. Not this metro sexual type. And for me I am more interested in the female view on things I wonder about. And usually women do give better insight advice and insight than men on relationships. (No offense to the guys here) So basically I am here because this forum seemed to be better than most I could find out there. Hopefully I will not offend the main group this forum is made for

I do however wonder what your DH is thinking in your case. Because he obviously cares for your satisfaction as well but then pressuring you which kinda states the opposite. that he want's you to orgasm for his own pleasure/ego boost. When it comes to stimulation of clitoris I believe that is key to most women's orgasm, at least the once I have been with. I am lucky to say that I have never struggled with getting my sexual partners to orgasm. I don't have many but all of them have on their own initiative told me that I am great in bed. The thing is I have always been open, relaxed and unselfish in bed. Clitoral stimulation has always been a focus for me as well as listening closely to a women's responses. I believe that these things are KEY to satisfying a woman in bed.

Something tells me your DH needs to relax and "have fun" instead during sex, and lose his goal. There is a weird thing with many men and sex. Yes they want alot of sex but when they have sex they are trying to reach a goal ASAP. This often leaves the girl unsatisfied I believe. and the sex does not last very long. Can it be that your DH needs to enjoy the game and not try to finish it?

From reading a lot about sex from both boys and girls. The most common problem seems to be that the fun and enjoyment of the sexual act is gone and it's more about the orgasm. Seems wrong to me.