[RanchGirl]

I have read some threads here regarding swinging, and so I'm going to jump in with my issues. I'm hoping for good advice, not judgement. This is going to be very long story, so if you aren't interested/up for it, stop now LOL!

My husband and I have been together for 18 years, and I am 49. My first boyfriend, who took my virginity, was nine years older than me, and he was very nicely endowed! He got my body very responsive, such that I could come with him rubbing my clit, and I even came with him from behind without clit stimulation, as well as having a breast orgasm (no vaginal action), though that was only once. He did force me to suck him without discussing it, gagging me and coming down my throat without warning, and that really turned me off to that activity. Otherwise, he had a rather vanilla sex life. Unfortunately, I was too young and he too immature for our relationship to be healthy, though we were together for 8 years (half of which I knew I wanted out).

While I was with him, and during the time that it wasn't good between us, I succumbed to an African man at the university I was attending. He was a predator, but he tantalized me. When I finally got with him, it was very disappointing, and didn't last but two times. I felt badly that I had cheated, but things were already so emotionally bad with my boyfriend that I was ripe for attention from anyone else. I had a flirtation with another man in college and regretted that I was in a relationship (I think that was before the black guy). I still have regrets to this day that I locked myself down in a "monogamous" relationship during the early years of my life where I should have been meeting many people and experiencing a variety before settling down.

When I finally got out of the relationship at 26, I had a quick one-nighter deal with a guy that was absolutely sensuous and gorgeous, but he had the tiniest **** I'd ever seen (imagine that after the over 8 inch boyfriend!) and there was no satisfaction.

Next, I had a boyfriend who had a beautiful ****, pretty big, but didn't know how to control himself and could never get me off before losing it. I also found myself having trouble mentally allowing myself to come with other bodily attentions. Though he tried on occasion to masturbate me, it was awkward and not very fruitful. He also had mental troubles and it was a very tumultuous three years with him. I honestly don't recall every really coming with him, though his **** felt very nice inside of me.

During that period, I had become reacquainted with a male friend I had met through a dog sport I had as a hobby. I was unhappy with my relationship, and this friend revealed he had always been into me. Well, again, I was weak, and we started playing a little, no actual intercourse, but it was close. To me that would have been cheating, and I wasn't strong enough to end the relationship even though it was mentally abusive. I pulled out of this fling when my boyfriend found out and went crazy on me. Finally, that one ended, but a good while after the incident, and I had withdrawn from the friend in shame because I had pushed him away once my boyfriend found out. I suffered from depression during this horrid relationship and got on anti-depressants.

After we broke up, I met my future husband, who was doing a post doc in a lab I was working in. He was married but his marriage was ending. I was drawn to him even before then but kept to myself. After he was separated, he approached me, and there was chemistry. We started seeing each other, and I told him that I didn't want to be the other woman, that he needed to finalize the end of his marriage. I was not the cause of the end of his marriage, but came in on the tail end of it wrapping up.

We clicked on so many levels, but he's on the slightly small side of average and I found it hard to come with him, so had to do the stimulation myself, which was ok. He would try to masturbate me but just didn't have the right knack. I didn't find him the most attractive man, but we had love for each other on other levels that led me to marry him two years later.

Then we had to move to a whole new region that took me away from my family, and life in this city was a shock to me - I became pretty depressed because I didn't feel I was successful career-wise, had issues about needing to pull my weight, etc. I had also been on the pill for nearly 20 years by then! I found my sex drive going in the toilet, not that it was ever that high except for at the beginnings of those relationships.

I lost the ability to fantasize about anyone else. My previous cheating made me vow that I would never go there again, and I put a wall up with regards to sending out any signals to other men. I never thought about sex.

At one point my husband expressed his dissatisfaction that we were having sex so infrequently, that without the sex we were like roommates, and that that was not what he wanted. I asked how often would be often enough and he said twice a week.

Since my first boyfriend, I have not had good success coming - it takes a lot to finally get the first orgasm, after which I can get multiples, but I found that it took so much work, and he wanted it for me so bad, the pressure became a further turn off. Even though sex could eventually lead to pleasure, the pleasure wasn't a big enough draw for me to want more sex. I would make the effort to come once a week, and then tell him that the second time I just couldn't work that hard for it, and that I'd take care of him, so that became our compromise.

My sex has always been very vanilla - intercourse, very little oral. As I mentioned before, I didn't enjoy giving BJs and didn't find him giving me oral the end all be all. I think I've always had intimacy issues, have a hard time allowing myself to be the center of that attention. I find myself wanting to hurry it up and be done. I don't know why that is, other than that I was raised in a family that was not huggy-kissy/affectionate. I would find my mind wandering during sex. End result: I was a cold fish! Couple that with the fact that any time my husband and I were snuggly, he'd get hard and want it to move on to sex, and I found myself not wanting that because of the issues that had developed around my abilities. Furthermore, I had developed a wrist injury that made it painful for me to even rub myself to help with coming, and my left hand wasn't as talented LOL! So, now pain had become part of the equation! And yes, I went to the doctor about that pain and they had very little to offer me. I craved the love/snuggling with my husband but avoided it as I knew it would trigger desire, and all I wanted was that affectionate connection in and of itself.

Fast forward to the last year. We're older, and my husband and I were happy with once a week, though I still find it too much work and full of stress and pain. I had been on antidepressants all the while in addition to the pill and we felt that was maybe part of my sex drive problem, but I also had been open with him about the pain and difficulty. Also, I was perimenpausal, and had been having hot flashes for the prior couple of years. During sex, when I was able to get over the very difficult hump to the first O, I'd be able to come several more times, which turned him on no end, but I was a one hit wonder; we always have to resort to my orgasm position on my back, though I do love how he feels from behind and wish so badly I could come that way. For some reason the stimulation just isn't right, even with the aid of my right hand LOL! He loved my multiple Os and would talk dirty about how I needed **** so badly, that I was made for ****ing etc. He then began to share a fantasy of watching me with another guy, and he had been watching amateur pornos where husbands were filming their wives being ****ed by another guy and commenting how hot it was. Over and over he shared this, and then he'd ask what my fantasies were. Honestly, I didn't have any! I never thought about sex ever, let alone with other men. Be sure that I wasn't secretly coveting another lover over my husband; I simply had no sex drive!

Well, though I hated him looking at those amateur porn sites, I didn't want to deny him that since he said he only needed it for stimulation/fantasy inspiration, and since I wasn't offering him much, I felt he deserved that pleasure. But I found myself feeling very judgmental of those people and what they were doing, for some reason, so I refused to look and left him to it.

Then, six months ago, I came down with shingles - I had pain with intercourse before the blisters appeared, and I had them on my labia and probably inside my vagina! OMG, the pain! I was diagnosed by a doctor, tested as positive for zoster/shingles, not herpes (where could I have gotten herpes, anyway? My husband is as loyal as a dog!). I also went off the pill and discovered I truly had no periods anymore; I was full on in menopause and was now hot flashing like crazy at night, not sleeping well, and flashing during the day as well.

When I finally recovered from the shingles, a month later, I was finally able to have sex again but to my horror I found that my ***** was even less responsive than before! This caused me a midlife crisis! I realized, here I am nearly 50 and I don't really crave sex, even when I am able to orgasm, and now I can't even do that!!! What if my ***** never recovers?!!!! I also began to realize that life is so darn short, and that it isn't fair that my husband have to resign himself to a sexless marriage, that I could lose him over it, and we fit like gloves in the rest of our life together. I adore him.

I began to think about what a large **** could do for me; could I come more easily on a big **** like I did with my first boyfriend? I began to allow myself the fantasy of a BBC with my husband's encouragement.

He threatened on occasion to invite a black male over to service me, but I wasn't ready for such a thing. Over time, though I began to entertain the thought. My DH is on a swinging sex site and I started looking with him, opening my mind to what I was seeing.

I should back track and say that over the years I did try to get my husband to address my whole body, found that he was always heading straight to the ***** without enough foreplay to get me more worked up. I began to fantasize about what I would like, more licking/caressing/teasing of my whole body before heading for the *****. I shared that with him and tried to get him to do it but he's honestly just not that good at it, or maybe my body just won't respond as I'd hoped it would.

Anyway, I began reading 50 Shades and other similar erotica for the first time in my life in hopes of triggering fantasies which it did. I can say that my body still wasn't as responsive to the erotic images as I'd hoped, but I still find the literature more arousing than the visuals of porn. At any rate, I've gobbled up about eight erotic books of that nature to this point, and really am enticed by the soft BDSM. I enjoy the idea of being blind-folded, hands bound, and being teased and sensually tortured. I even like light spanking. I don't want to be abused/humiliated/tortured with pain though nipple clamps might be nice. I would love to have a *** orgasm again!

My husband ventured forth with anal teasing/play which initially I couldn't stand the thought of but found my body liked it. He liked watching pornos where the woman is getting anal, and also double penetration. Again, I was horrified initially, but as my body responded to anal teasing, I began to accept those images as exciting. I can't do full penetration but can handle small toys, and have found it makes coming a little easier. My nerves are still not healed completely down there and sometimes my clit-***** connection is completely missing and feels like dead wood down there :-(

I even began to find hot-bodied men with nice cocks enticing. Ok, so yes, my fantasies include the types of hot-bodied men that are written about in the erotic novels, not my husband's body type at all. I feel a little guilty about that, but I have shared those turn ons with him.

We began messaging with swinging couples and males who would love to serve in a MFM. We met one couple for dinner and drinks, but nothing more has developed. My husband is the type who gets turned on by the idea of my being pleasured by another man; he wants me to feel good and have lots of orgasms.

I likewise would like for him to experience anal penetration of a woman who loves it. I want him to experience other bodies.

So, here we are. My worries stem around what if my body still won't respond? I'm am showing my husband more affection and love, and for the first time in years we have had sex more than once a week just out of spontaneously getting turned on looking at the websites together. He has paid my boobs more attention and they are responding. When my ***** is cooperating, nipple attention makes me come a little more easily.

I do find myself enthralled with the idea of being able to experience other cocks on nice bodies. The male of the couple we met actually flashed me a flirtatious look at the end of our meeting that thrilled me, and he and his wife, who is bi, both said I was a sexy woman and that I would garner a lot of attention in the lifestyle. They didn't say anything about my husband :-(

I am worried that he will have trouble finding playmates in the LS because, though I find him an adorable teddy bear, he is 30 lbs overweight and hasn't had the time to work out in years. I would be devastated for him if he is rejected because he doesn't have the ideal looks. I do see lots of other chubby couples in the LS, but I am not attracted to those males, just my hubby when it comes to being overweight. Is this an unfounded worry? I also am worried that he'll have problems with regards to not being very intuitive about foreplay. I at least find him not that great at it when he is trying. The nicest foreplay I've gotten from him is when he wasn't really trying, just laying next to me in bed and caressing me when he's not really thinking about it.

I'm wondering what more I can do to re-awaken my damaged nerves. I've got a rabbit vibrator that I have found to be lacking. The serious amount of vibration that finally gets me humming is so unlike anything that I feel with intercourse, I don't know that would help me get more responsive. I can come pretty easily with the shower head, full on clit stimulation, but it doesn't seem to translate well to clit simulation by other means, even a vibrator.

Also, the hot flashes are making me nuts! At our dinner meet up, I started flashing and sweating while trying to converse with this man! Also, I've found that although I lost 12 pounds slowly over the last year, my skin is saggy all over my body! No tone! I feel unattractive that way. I'm trying to do some home strength training to firm up, but am worried this is a problem of age/menopause. Do I go on hormone replacement? Will that help my skin and sex drive?

Finally, swinging. Not sure how to really begin. I'd sort of like to start with a club, get in the scene and see how it feels without being obligated in any way. I'm a bit socially awkward and shy, and haven't mastered flirting, probably ever! We have discussed doing a couple side by side. Maybe we should start with having sex with each other beside another couple. I've read threads here where the couples full swap out of sight of each other and don't want to see their partner with the other's partner.

We've sort of been looking for a third, male, and it is frightening how many desperate men are out there begging to play that part, and often they are attached men in sexless marriages. We've decided we don't want to be involved with that. I have chatted with a few men, and enjoyed the interaction, but because I haven't signaled moving forward, they've quickly become bored and disappeared. Well, that's ok, don't want that kind of interaction anyway. I want it to be someone that we could be FWB with.

My erotic novels have gotten me excited by the notion of that feeling that comes with newness, passion, devouring, can't get enough of you sex. I fear that isn not what should come with swinging because those are the kinds of emotions/feelings that come with falling in love, and the last thing I want to do is change things with my marriage, leading to its demise. I love my husband and he is the man I see myself growing old with when our bodies are worn out and unattractive :-)

OK, I'll end this now. I know that communication is key between partners when venturing into this. I'm just worried this will all fall flat for me with my body's problems and all, and then I'll really be stuck with an unsatisfying sex life, and worst yet, so will my husband. I really am trying and want it to be better for both of us.

Thanks for making it this far!

[Claret]

Ranchgirl, I'm sorry but I found reading your post to be too much information. As in not the content -- just the length of your post. For that reason I quit reading. Perhaps you could summarize it a little bit and skip to the issues at hand. Perhaps if you do it this way you will get some responses that will address your issue or question.

I don't mean to hurt your feelings but I found I didn't know whether you were going to speak of your predilection to black males, or getting your husband to be more like 50 Shades of Grey or him losing 50 lbs.

Can you shorten the story somewhat so we don't get lost in it?

[Something_Awesome]

I read the whole thing. I think the best response I can have is going to be in another topic I intend to start once my internet is no longer down (typing this on my phone right now, and the post I intend to make will be a little long).

I wonder though, and I know you said you adore you husband, if you just ended up "settling" for your husband. I think it is easy to adore someone you are with when you see the alternative as ending up alone.

[effy2014]

You have accurately summarized the pros and cons of starting a swinging relationship. No one can answer the psychological issues except for you and your husband. As you correctly stated, you need to discuss each of the scenarios (including the touchy concern that he will not find a partner) and how the two of you might deal with it. I say "might" because you never really know until the situation arises.

Permit me to offer an alternative path. You wrote about having a better sex life while fantasizing with your husband. Why not incorporate the website viewing, erotic novel reading and pornography into your sex life. You can also incorporate some of the BDSM and role play. That could be the spark to improve your sex life without adding more people to your intimacy.

I am also not sure if H's issue is ignorance or technique. That is teachable. There are plenty of books that teach oral techniques and the need for foreplay.

[Something_Awesome]

There would be nothing more humiliating than engaging in an open relationship where you can't find partners while your SO has no problem getting them.

If that happened to me I think I would jump off a bridge.

[raindancer]

RanchGirl,

I've really enjoyed reading your long post. There are lots of important details you don't give, but I understand it is difficult to get some things translated into words.

This will be a long post, too.

I can answer some of your questions.

Any woman in the lifestyle scene will get a lot of attention. If you want sex, as a woman, in the lifestyle scene, you will get anything you want, anytime you want it and from as many partners as you want.

As a man, you'll be lucky if you ever get the chance to have sex at all, unless it is with your wife.

The exception are men who look very good AND are muscular AND are what one calls well endowed. Or men with special skills, but these are very difficult to find.

If your husband wants to participate, play with other women, instead of only watching you playing with other men, one thing you can do to help is being the catalyst. As a woman, it is much easier for you (than it is to him) to approach other women and facilitate their "contact". It will be easier with couples, because she's probably in the same mind frame as you. Most women who swing/"play" with other men have this feeling for the frustration of their men and want to help them get what they want.

The difficulty is in the physical part. You say you need a special kind of men to feel aroused. If that's so, you have to be more selective, of course. Understandably so.

You are frustrated and have been frustrated for a long time. Your husband is also frustrated. He's looking for something, he wants more. I see it all as natural. I encourage you to think it all over and decide if you really want to try new things involving new people.

A lifestyle club is a good idea, if you do decide you want to try something at all. You can watch and see if it does something for you. You can try things, only stuff you want to do. You can play with your husband in front of other people. That can add a sparkle and you may find it enough for both of you. The attention you'll get may be enough to make you feel sexy, feminine, in a real sexual way, and that may be all you need to feel desire again.

You may also just decide it isn't even fun. No harm done, because you can leave anytime you want and never go back.

Changing the subject, you talk about the light BDSM stuff. Unfortunately, it can't be taught. Some people think you can just tell your man to attach you to the bed and do this and that. It doesn't work like this. A woman who has submissive fantasies will be completely turned off if SHE has to tell the guy (who's supposed to be a dominant male) what to do. It goes against the whole sub/dom thing. The sub can't be teaching the dom! It makes no sense and it doesn't work. And a man who isn't a natural dom will have problems doing the dom thing, because he'll be afraid to overstep, to push some limit. Well, pushing limits is what a dom is all about. And that's what a sub expects. And I'm not talking about extreme stuff. Even very light domination isn't something a non-naturally-dom man will be comfortable doing.

Most women who experience a sub fantasy just want a man who'll take control. If she has to be "teaching" him, giving instructions, who's in control?

Changing the subject again. You talk about your difficulties to orgasm. But you also say it works with the shower head. So, there is nothing wrong with your ability to get an orgasm. I'll risk going wrong here, so, please forgive me if I'm wrong and please, don't take offence. I'm talking to you as I talk to my friends. So, your problem is that you don't accept your own sexuality. You have some needs, your body has its ways. You don't accept them. You wish it was different. You live out of some memory of what it seemed to be with your first boyfriend. That was so long ago, perhaps things didn't really happen as you remember them. Our minds play games with us.

Your body has some needs to reach an orgasm. Accept them, explore them as they are, instead of trying to get an orgasm in the way you think orgasms should happen. It is the shower head? Start from there. From what angle is coming the water when it "hits" your clitoris? What temperature? Is it a constant, uniform jet? What are you thinking about, when it happens? Etc, etc. Build from there. In many cases, once you accept yourself, love yourself and your sexuality as it is, you'll immediately feel the difference, the liberation, so to speak, and that will open you up to more pleasure.

You know, a lot of "difficulties" we, women, face come from a problem we have accepting our sexuality the way it is. Embrace it. There are preconceptions of how our bodies SHOULD behave. And they don't do it that way. And we live fighting with our nature.

It's as if you were left handed, but you can't accept it, so you try to be right handed. You can't write properly, but you'd rather not write at all, than write with your left hand.

Now, changing subject again. I've mentioned it loses its fun when we have to teach a man how to please us, but I was talking in the context of sub/dom play. Well, it is also off putting to have to teach a guy everything. Deep inside, we wish he'd be interested enough to pleasure us, to just try things and do what we want. It is unfair on them and it is unfair on us.

There is a game you could try with your husband. You could write lots of different sex scenarios and put it into envelopes. Many different ones. It could include stuff of the kind "tie me to bed, blindfold me, tease me for a long time with ice, feathers and light spanking." You tell him about the urn with the envelopes and that he can take one, sometimes, and do what is written. That way, it'd still have a little of a surprise element, since you wouldn't know what envelope would be taken and when.

Another thing is giving him a book with ideas. I always wonder why so many women are reading 50 shades and so few men are doing the same. If I know my man is getting excited about something, I check it out on the double to take advantage of it and do to him whatever it is that's getting him all up and happy!

For instance: you say he wanted you to try the BBC experience thing. That's his fantasy, not yours! So often a man wants to realize some fantasy of his... I mean, a man who knows his woman has desire/libido issues should be more concerned with making some of her fantasies come true. Instead, he comes up with his fantasies... and one wonders why it doesn't work!

So, you have the libido issue and, instead of working on your libido, he's working on his own. You're adhering to things he's into, trying to "get started" by adhering to his porno/swing ideas. That isn't necessarily what will work for you. Did you talk to him about it?

[RanchGirl]

Thanks to all for the comments, especially raindancer.

I will jump to the conclusion and say that last weekend we did get together with the couple we had met before, had dinner/drinks, went dancing and had a fun evening together. We ended up at a suite they had booked just in case, and things progressed from there. My husband was unable to get an erection, too in his head, and I never did come, despite the attention of both the husband and his very nice, larger penis, and his wife :-) I surprised myself that I actually enjoyed her attention, though I still wasn't able to orgasm. She said don't worry about the end result, just enjoy the ride, and that is so true - I'm always so goal oriented, just need to relax and enjoy the ride.

It was a learning experience for both of us. My husband admitted that he had concerns about what the interaction would do to our relationship, and I wish he had expressed that beforehand. I think that played into his troubles. I wish I had been more attentive to the fact that he was having troubles so I could help him. I don't know that we will venture forth again, at least not without revising what is acceptable to him.

I enjoyed the attention from the couple and it unleashed some inhibitions in me. I have found myself feeling hornier since that night thinking it than I have been in a long time. My husband did say he enjoyed seeing me with the husband. I really liked them, especially the wife, not from a sexual standpoint but because she was so approachable, friendly, welcoming, easy to talk to. We'll probably take in a matinee soon :-)

Meanwhile, I feel more adoring of my husband than ever. Will just have to keep working on waking my body up, and work from my known parameters as raindancer suggested.

[raindancer]

Thank you for the update!

By reading it, I get the impression the experience was very positive. Because out of it you're hornier and more adoring of your husband. And he enjoyed something different and had his kick, watching you.

Whenever I have an experience outside my marriage (we both do), that's exactly how I feel. I couldn't find better words than yours: hornier, more adoring of my man. All the good things I experience in life make me love him more, want him more, desire him more. The simple fact of doing something different, even when it doesn't run according to plans and something fails, makes you feel kind of more alive, new. "Different" is exciting. It swooshes us out of the ordinary, the day-by-day, same old, same old, monotony, boredom...

You don't have to repeat the experience. You may both decide once was enough. Or you may, in the future, decide to try again. It's up to the two of you. Keep the good things from what happened.

[RanchGirl]

Thank you, raindancer - your encouragement has been invaluable to me! Right after our adventure, hubby came down with a cold, and then I caught it from him. We had to whip the house into shape and have family visit for Thanksgiving from out of town, and after they left, we both were dead with sickness and exhaustion all last weekend. Yesterday, the hubby came home from work feeling better and horny, thinking about our experience, and he loved hearing about the fact that I had done some IMing with a couple of male pen-pals...we ended up jumping each other at bedtime! The couple we had played with had a Magic Wand massager so I ordered one, and it arrived today - WOW, I wish I'd known about that oldie but goodie a long time ago!!! To anyone who is trying to up her masturbation game, get one of those!!! I am hoping that I can dial down the intensity required to orgasm, to try to train my body to get more responsive, because though my sex drive is higher, my sensitivity still sucks due to the shingles and/or menopause....Having more fun to be sure, though!

[MrMr]

My partner has measured me and given oral in front of a few of her friends. Im pretty thick, beer can size and decent length and love being an exhibitionist.

I love seeing others naked. Her friends bf has a pretty small d*ck but could fit him all in her mouth.

She stared at us while my partner gave me a hand job. She is unbelievably hot with small perky boobs and her bf is a good looking guy with an toned body.

Everyone's bodies are totally different and it's great