[MamaaCorydoras]

Hi everyone,

I would like an honest opinion on my situation. I've been having a problem with my partner, and I havn't had much luck trying to have a conversation with him about it.
Ive been with him for 6 years, and living with him for 2. Our sex like is great in general, we normally have sex at least once a day, twice on some days. My problem is that as a women, it isn't easy for me to 'finish' so to speak through just sex. I have to be having a good day to do so, otherwise its tricky. I do not wish to 'finish' everyday, and my problem is that my partner refuses to give me oral, one of the only ways I will 'finish' for sure.

I enjoy giving him oral, which I will add he receives pretty much every single time before we engage in sex. But he hasn't reciprocated in about a year. I'm really confused and upset as to why. Its gotten to the point where I was hoping I would get lucky for our anniversary, or valentines day or even my birthday, but nothing. For a long time now, If I don't get things started with a blowjob, we wont even have sex. He just says 'That's fine, Ill go jack off', and that's the end of it.

He will not tell me exactly why he wont go down on me, all he says is 'I have to be in the right mood', which is like once a year for him. Yet if I don't start things, I get nothing. I should probably mention that early in our relationship he would go down on me all the time, and now hes just not even interested. Also, I don't masturbate myself, it just doesn't get me off. Anyway, he had a go at me saying 'Maybe if you acted more sexy I'd be more into it.' I don't know what he means. He wont go into detail, and in my opinion he wants me to be like the *****s he jacks off to in order for me to get anything out of our sex life. I don't understand why he simply doesn't do it based on my enjoyment off it. I give him blowjobs all the time, when Im tired, when ive had a long day, but he just refuses period.

What should I do? Should I try and be more sexy? Should I try and talk to him about it? Is he being selfish for not fulfilling my needs? Or am I being selfish for wanting him to do something he doesn't enjoy?

Thanks for any advice.

[JonDoe]

In my opinion, he is beyond selfish; he is being a jerk. If he wants you to "act more sexy", but can't explain what that means to him, then he is making excuses for his behavior and making it your problem. How hard does he try to be "sexy" for you?

As they say "Hope is not a strategy". Don't hope for it, ask for it. If he refuses, then ask to talk about it because it is important to you. If your happiness isn't important to him, then leave him pronto.

[MamaaCorydoras]

Thanks for your input JonDoe. Id never heard of that saying before: 'Hope is not a strategy' and I completely agree. I shouldn't have to hope that he'll do something that simply makes me happy.

Now that you mention it, yesterday he had an assignment to do, and we made a deal that if I helped him with it that he would go down on me and than I flat out asked him afterwards and he said 'No way, did you think that was for real? We shouldn't have to make deals like that, that's not how it works'. And then flat out refused to have sex because he was 'Too tired'. I don't understand what his logic is, I shouldn't have to bargain with him for sexual favours but I shouldn't just have to wait for something to happen either.

[jns]

I have to agree with JonDoe on this. It sounds like you two are sexually mismatched. There are plenty of guys who are willing to be more equitable. I would not expect his behavior to change.

[MamaaCorydoras]

Thanks JNS. I guess I just don't understand how at the start of our relationship he was so willing, but not anymore.

[Motorguy]

You can fix this very easy MamaaCorydoras just tell him if he doesn't go down on you then you don't go down on him. This is very simple your boy friend is just being lazy ***. He can sit back and enjoy you giving him oral and then sexual inter course then done till next time. If I even tried to pull this on my wife, lets just say I be talking in a very higher voice if you catch my drift. You really need to let your boy friend know how you feel and don't let him push the question aside that you need answer why he stop doing oral on you. This is not a very hard thing to do just do it you be surprise why he stop giving you oral pleasure. So good luck as I hope you can get over this little hurtle in your relationship.

[Lexhill]

MamaaCorydoras: You already do your part quite well. Your proving that you are not selfish at all. Him on the other hand is selfish and unfair. In my view oral is something you do for your partner not yourself. I feel that oral sex is given to please your partner. And you get stimulated yourself from seeing your partners satisfaction.

[Ashlee T.]

I can only speak for women (since I am one), but it seems that us women have the hardest time letting go of what we THOUGHT we had and accepting what we truly HAVE. "He was this way or that way" in the beginning." Yes.... most everyone puts their best foot forward early on. Then when the newness wears off, true love, compatibility, and chemistry come into play. If you don't have all of those things, things go downhill. But the woman will hang on and hang on, in hopes that someday he'll return to what he was very briefly in the beginning.

I would argue that your sex life isn't "great" if you're rarely ever finishing. I understand you enjoy pleasing him, and that is WONDERFUL. But where's the reciprocation? Where is his desire to genuinely see you pleased?

He sounds very selfish. But not just selfish, generally unconcerned about your satisfaction. I cannot tell you to leave him, or to stay but I can tell you that life is too short to spend it unfulfilled.

[effy2014]

It is wonderful to read responses with a universal message. A one sided relationship is not sustainable, whether that is measured by degrees of love, the amount of effort one puts into the relationship or, in this case, sex. Most women do not have vaginal orgasms and need other methods to "complete" their pleasure. You have heard from several men here, all of whom enjoy oral sex with their significant others both out of pleasure of the act itself and because we believe that pleasing our partners is essential in keeping a relationship strong.

My advice would be to find out the reason your partner is not usually in the mood for cunniligus. Is it, as some have suggested, that he is simply selfish? Then I would suggest MG's approach. Does he perceive (whether true or not) issues of taste or hygiene? He may not want to say anything for fear of hurting your feelings, but these can be easily remedied. Perhaps he read something about cunnilingis that isn't true. Force the conversation and find the answer.

I am a proponent of not forcing a partner to do something that he or she does not wish to do, but there must be an alternative that he is willing to do for your pleasure. For example, maybe he will use a toy on you before or after intercourse. There are a number of methods to help you to orgasm, the two of you need to find and select those methods.

BD is right, as usual. Before my marriage, sex was fantastic. Almost immediately after, it changed for the worse. It was not the only reason for the divorce, but changes in the level of intimacy significantly affect the emotional connection between partners. Good luck to the two of you.

[raindancer]

People know with whom they can misbehave.

If he's doing it to you, it is because you're empowering him to, validating his behavior. He's a selfish lover and you're still with him, and having sex with him. You're validating his behavior.

I can understand someone not wanting to do something, not liking to do something. But sex without orgasm only makes sense to people who can't have orgasms. Some people just can't. You can. So, you should be having them.

I don't understand how you can say your sex life is great.

If he had a libido problem, as in not feeling desire and wanting sex, OK. But you say you have sex everyday, or close to that.

You shouldn't try to force him to do what he doesn't want to do, but them he should use his imagination and make it happen for you. But then you should give him a clear message that the way things are now is unacceptable. Because from his point of view, life is great. He's getting sex everyday or so, blowjobs, the works. Why would he change anything?

Six years is a relatively short time. It's better to act now. You had a life before him. You can have a life after him.