[atskitty2]

jacqueline, you're looking to take care of your needs. Do you know exactly what those needs are? And i mean, really have a good understanding of what you're looking for here?
Is it sexual intimacy, or intimacy in general? Is it orgasm? Is it control? Is it a need to feel wanted and desired, or something else? Is it just touching and closeness you're needing? I think the real bottom line here hasn't been identified yet.

And if you do know, and it just isn't clear here, have you really thought about the likelihood of satisfying those needs? Realistically? And satisfying them in a way that doesn't work toward causing dissatisfaction for someone else?

Let me explain if I can. If you need more sex, and you're with someone that has a significantly lower libido, that person is very likely never going to meet your needs, without causing some strain on themselves. Then they become frustrated, stressed, and put out because they feel pressured all the time to do something they don't want to do. Then the unhappiness just shifts from you to them.

Sexual incompatibility is a thing. Ways we show affection and love can be mismatched too-the old love languages thing. I'm not suggesting that you give up or go outside the marriage, but I believe there needs to be some deeper thought here, and communication between you to define the needs and search for a solution that will be mutually beneficial.

I think therapy aimed at this particular problem should be considered, with both of you attending.

[Texasred]

jacqueline, you're looking to take care of your needs. Do you know exactly what those needs are? And i mean, really have a good understanding of what you're looking for here?
Is it sexual intimacy, or intimacy in general? Is it orgasm? Is it control? Is it a need to feel wanted and desired, or something else? Is it just touching and closeness you're needing? I think the real bottom line here hasn't been identified yet.

And if you do know, and it just isn't clear here, have you really thought about the likelihood of satisfying those needs? Realistically? And satisfying them in a way that doesn't work toward causing dissatisfaction for someone else?

Let me explain if I can. If you need more sex, and you're with someone that has a significantly lower libido, that person is very likely never going to meet your needs, without causing some strain on themselves. Then they become frustrated, stressed, and put out because they feel pressured all the time to do something they don't want to do. Then the unhappiness just shifts from you to them.

Sexual incompatibility is a thing. Ways we show affection and love can be mismatched too-the old love languages thing. I'm not suggesting that you give up or go outside the marriage, but I believe there needs to be some deeper thought here, and communication between you to define the needs and search for a solution that will be mutually beneficial.

I think therapy aimed at this particular problem should be considered, with both of you attending.

What she said.

Jacqueline, it sounds to me as if both of you are just a bit too picky about when "the time is right," and a little too quick to come up with excuses for not doing "it." Until you both understand why that is, you're not going to resolve this issue.

One more thing: you never said how old he is. Libido can fall off with falling testosterone levels as one ages; consider having him tested, and don't settle for a doctor merely saying he's "in the normal range." You want his testosterone level to be at or above the mid-point of the range in order to have normal libido.

[easygoing]

I never caught him masturbating (and there's no problem with masturbation), he rarely initiates sex and I think that the daily routine of marriage doesn't help.

I'm surmising here of course but maybe your husband hasn't been up-front with you on masturbation and if he hasn't been truthful, he may be doing it a lot more than you suspect. The fact you haven't caught him doesn't mean anything. My wife walked in on me masturbating in the shower dozens of times over the earlier years of our marriage and I was sure she knew. However during a recent conversation where I admitted having done it right through our marriage, she said she had no idea. The thing is, even though I was pretty much a daily masturbator, it didn't stop me from being ready for regular sex with my wife at all.

But, I'm sure sure there are plenty of men that prefer to masturbate rather than engage with their partner. It's less fuss, you don't have to please anyone else, it can be over and done with quickly and by fantasising, can relieve the daily routine of marriage.

I believe you could explore that avenue with him discretely. Most guys don't see masturbation as a betrayal of trust, it's often nothing more than stress relief.