[Rubyred92]

hi,

First post here be gentle lol!

My partner and I have been together for nearly 9 years now and we are getting married this year. We haven’t had intercourse for a good few years. We do other things in the bedroom often but we don’t have full intercourse. We were away for a break away and things got steamy and I suggested moving it up a gear and he freaked out. He says he’s not comfortable to have sex due to the way he looks and feels. When we got together we used to have an amazing sex life. We have put on a bit of weight which I know is something to do with it and we are addressing this by changing Our eating habits and exercise routines and we are successfully losing weight. I am constantly thinking it’s to do with me as being rejected for sex is a pretty big blow to the self esteem ???? He says he wants to address it but I’m not sure he does and he won’t talk about it with me. I definitely don’t want to enter a sexless marriage........

[Ashlee T.]

Hey! Welcome to WHI!

I think you're incredibly smart for questioning this situation.

After 9 years together, and several years of no sexual intimacy, I'm curious why you two are planning to marry? I guess, in my eyes, it is complicating an already complicated situation and for what reason?

You're absolutely right for not wanting to enter a sexless marriage. This is 100% something you two need to get figured out BEFORE you think about legally binding yourselves. The weight loss is a good start, but I would highly recommend couples therapy before marriage is even a discussion.

[Rubyred92]

Thank you for your response.

Although we haven’t had intercourse for a long time we do other things. Our relationship is fine everywhere else (I think). I have outright asked him and he has told me it’s a confidence thing and he doesn’t like the way he looks. Hence why we are on a health kick. How can I address this with him sensitively ?

[Ashlee T.]

Hey Rubyred,

I'm assuming his bod is involved in some of the "other" things you're doing. Right? I mean, technically you don't have to be fully disrobed to have intercourse either.

I do know that lack of confidence can be a huge issue and I'm glad you both are taking some steps to improve your health and body image. I, personally, would delay the wedding and focus on improving your (as a couple) health and wellness and sexual intimacy issues.

If it is truly his confidence causing his lack of desire, then as his health improves so should that. If it does not, you will know that fairly quickly. If he does not make the effort to improve his health, which ultimately means no sex, you'd want to know that BEFORE marriage, right? I think a little more time here before legally binding is very important.

[atskitty2]

I agree with Ashlee. You've stayed for several years this way, but it's obviously an issue you would prefer to change, or you wouldn't be seeking advice, right?
So, prior to making a lifelong commitment, get this thing figured out. This may be rooted more deeply than you realize, and could potentially become a deal-breaker, or at least a very deep source of anger and problems in the relationship.

[MrMr]

Obviously getting healthy is the only long term way of feeling body confident. But sometimes both guys and girls like to feel desired by others outside of the relationship in order to feel confident with their partner. Ask a friend if they think your partner is attractive or a stranger online. Feeling attractive to others makes you feel confident in a relationship. Guys egos are easy to massage and it means they won't try seek that gratification on their own. This is just an option of my own formed by my own and others experience.