[chelle2568]

Hi! I’m 53 and I’m struggling with sex post hysterectomy. I had a total, vaginal hysterectomy in June 2019. Before my surgery, orgasms came very easily (sometimes too easily!). After surgery, everything seems desensitized, even my nipples! I had never needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm and now I can’t without the use of a vibrator, which I had never even owned one before. I’m in an almost 2 year relationship and my guy is great. But, it really bothers him that he can’t get me off and that I must use a toy to do so. I think he feels like he’s kinda useless and I don’t need him for sexual pleasure. I’m really hard on myself about it because I feel “defective” and want so much to be able to orgasm with just penetrative sex with him. I still have my ovaries and I’m pretty sure I’m in menopause too. Any advice on the medical and emotional issues we’re dealing with would be greatly appreciated.

[Alison H.]

Hi Chelle,

I want to start off by saying that you are NOT defective. I know it’s hard not to feel that way when things aren’t working as they should, especially when it relates to your sexuality. But you’re not defective… you’re just going through something right now.

That said, I can relate to what you wrote in so many ways. (I had a radical hysterectomy many years ago and of my entire recovery, sex took the longest, by far.)

Following my own surgery, I had extensive numbness along my left thigh — which lasted for a few years. A random area, given my surgery was abdominal, but that’s what happened; it was REALLY numb, mostly along the outer thigh. My oncologist told me it was likely just nerve damage from the surgery. It DID eventually come back (I have minimal loss of sensation along my thigh now, it’s barely noticeable), but it took a great deal of time to come back.

I’m wondering if something similar might be happening in your case, too. The way our nerves are tied to one another, it is possible that what you’re experiencing is related to that. This doesn’t make things any “better” but it could explain the difficulty you’re having — which might help your guy to feel less “useless” and may help you to not be so hard on yourself about it.

For right now, you need clitoral stimulation and a vibrator to reach orgasm. It’s just what your body needs. It might not always be that way — with more time.

I think our bodies are healing for MUCH longer than we realize after a major surgery like that. Heck, it took me about 2 years to be able to have sex without pain following mine; granted, a radical hysterectomy (in my case, for cancer) also meant the removal of my cervix and upper part of the vagina. And that was a huge adjustment, too. (Even now… sometimes if I try to do deep penetration right away, it’ll be painful for a moment — and it’s been 16 years.)

Mostly, I think it’s important to be fair to yourself right now, understanding that this isn’t “your fault” and that you’re not broken in some way. Your body went through a major change. I know it’s hard to deal with not being as you were before… I completely understand that, more than you know.

Even if means sex isn’t exactly the same for a while (or even years), the intimacy is important — even when the methods have to change for a while. For what it’s worth, I don’t know that I even had an orgasm during the first couple of years post-surgery (I was always on top, and always WAY too concerned with not getting hurt… honestly, I kinda treated sex like physical therapy more than anything). But it was what it had to be during that time — and it DID get better eventually.

It just took time and patience. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this, though, and I really hope the desensitization lessens as more time passes.

[chelle2568]

Thank you so much for taking time to share your experience with me. Hearing others similar experiences helps so much! ?