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  • Sex with female friend

    Hi everyone!
    I have been looking for a place to ask this question for a while and am so happy I found this forum
    I will keep it as simple as possible:
    I have a boyfriend whom I love dearly. We've been together nearly two years and we are extremely happy together and plan a future together. Our sexual life is amazing and satisfying in every way I need. I never cheated or considered cheating ever, but lately I've been thinking about experiencing sex with one of my female friends.
    It all started one evening when I went out with her and well, girls being girls we talked about sex. She shared from her past, as did I. She told me she never had an orgasm and all I wanted to do in that moment was to take her to bed and help her achieve one.
    Nothing happened, though she did say she was attracted to me (she is bi) and would like to have sex with me. I told her I would have to think about it and discuss it with my boyfriend.
    Every time I thought about it since all I wanted was to help her climax. In not one of my fantasies did I ever imagine anything more than me pleasuring her (I am not interested in reciprocal relations, only the opportunity to pleasure her). I do realize that during the act itself the chances of things taking their own route are quite high...
    It's been several weeks and I haven't given her an answer, nor did I mention it to my boyfriend because it seems to me as cheating, even though my intentions are not replacing him in any way. I do fantasize of a gay experience, thought not anything more than a one-time-thing.
    My questions are:
    1. Is it really cheating, to have sex with a female friend? I know many women are physically close with their friends in certain ways, but does this cross a line?
    2. Is it ok to just "help her" without having anything done to me in return?

  • To me, cheating is going behind your significant other's back to have a sexual relationship. While it would be nice to help your friend achieve her first orgasm, doing so would probably be viewed by your boyfriend as cheating. If he agreed on you doing this, it would not be cheating. If you and your boyfriend had a relationship that was open to this, it would not be cheating.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • If it seems like cheating to you, then it's cheating. And what would the boyfriend think? Those are the only 2 opinions in this that really matter, as far as I'm concerned.

      More importantly, what do you want? What do you really need? Do you have unmet needs that you need to explore? If so, then I think if you want to have this sort of relationship with your friend, then have a talk with the boyfriend, and see what he thinks. As long as your open, honest, and not betraying the trust, respect and commitment of anyone (or yourself), then it's ok. Doesn't mean it will be easy, but it will absolve you of guilt, should you decide to proceed.

      Comment


      • You gracefully danced around the real question whether or not the attraction is mutual. From the sounds of your post, you are at the very least "curious" which most women naturally are and there is nothing in the slightest wrong about that. If that wasn't the case, you would have just told your friend about a few of your favourite sexual positions, masturbation techniques, toys etc. without having to "think about" taking her to bed.

        Assuming you would like to experience being with another woman, you must first ask yourself how important it is to fulfill this quest. Having sex with another person (man or woman) is technically cheating if the partner is unaware or is against it. There is no grey area no matter how much you twist the scenario. There in lies your dilemma. Have sex with another woman and risk damaging your current relationship? Or, take the plunge and experience a sexual encounter that you will never forget no matter how it turns out? Even without your partner's knowledge, there will be a certain level of guilt attached.

        I was faced with a similar situation years ago. Prior to meeting my husband, I had a few encounters with other girls. I'm not a lesbian, but I certainly have a strong bi-curious side to me that has never left even after marriage. That being said and without getting into details, my sex life is second to none with my husband and we have never had problems mutually satisfyingly each other.

        A few years ago, I developed a strong friendship with a girl "Lisa" who attends my gym. We timed our workouts together, chatted endlessly in the sauna, and went out for lunches with each other. After a while, we hung out with each other on a regular basis. On a few occasions, my husband and I socialized with her and her partner although he wasn't the nicest guy to be around. Her partner was very insecure and boring. (Apparently he was the same in the bedroom but now I'm getting off topic, lol).

        From the first time I met Lisa, I had a strong sexual attraction to her and it wasn't until later when I learned she had the same feelings towards me. Our workouts in the gym always seemed longer than they had to be and I always caught her checking me out especially in the sauna. I'm quite sure she has caught me more than once checking her out but I didn't care.

        One afternoon, Lisa and I were having a quick shower at the gym before we had to go back to work. Out of the blue, she asked if I had ever been with a woman before. I gave her an honest answer and asked her the same. She replied "no" but she was curious what it would be like. Right away, I knew by the look in her eyes scanning my body that she was attracted to me. The few seconds of silence that followed wasn't uncomfortable at all. It was all I could do to not have sex with her under the shower. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed (plus there was another girl nearby), but we did continue the conversation later that evening over the phone.

        Perhaps it was her frustration about being in a poor relationship and enduring an unsatisfying sexual marriage plus her curiosity about my antics in the bedroom with my husband that unleashed her honesty, but she would love me to be her first encounter with another girl. I instantly got aroused just thinking about it, but I could never cheat on my husband. After our long chat, I took a chance and divulged to my husband what Lisa had told me at the gym and over the phone. Honesty has always been the glue in our relationship and this would be another test.

        He didn't say anything for a few minutes and then with a smile, told me to call her back and arrange a night of pure sensuality between her and I alone with his complete blessing. I was completely surprised and after more questioning, I knew he was being honest. He knew about my bi-curious encounters before we met and was never jealous or insecure about it.

        Long story short, Lisa and I spent the next weekend together while my husband was away on a work trip. I divulged all the details to him when he got home and we ended up having phenomenal sex together. Lisa never told her husband and that is purely her decision to make. Since that weekend, Lisa and I have spent a few more nights together and even once had my husband participate. Lisa's husband has never caught on and the relationship has deteriorated even more. As it turns out, Lisa's guilt hasn't prevented her from continuing exploring her fantasies with me.

        So there you have it APT, a true story of two different approaches to the same situation. Be honest with yourself (and hopefully with your partner) before you make a decision.

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Monique Kova View Post
          You gracefully danced around the real question whether or not the attraction is mutual. From the sounds of your post, you are at the very least "curious" which most women naturally are and there is nothing in the slightest wrong about that. If that wasn't the case, you would have just told your friend about a few of your favourite sexual positions, masturbation techniques, toys etc. without having to "think about" taking her to bed.

          Assuming you would like to experience being with another woman, you must first ask yourself how important it is to fulfill this quest. Having sex with another person (man or woman) is technically cheating if the partner is unaware or is against it. There is no grey area no matter how much you twist the scenario. There in lies your dilemma. Have sex with another woman and risk damaging your current relationship? Or, take the plunge and experience a sexual encounter that you will never forget no matter how it turns out? Even without your partner's knowledge, there will be a certain level of guilt attached.

          I was faced with a similar situation years ago. Prior to meeting my husband, I had a few encounters with other girls. I'm not a lesbian, but I certainly have a strong bi-curious side to me that has never left even after marriage. That being said and without getting into details, my sex life is second to none with my husband and we have never had problems mutually satisfyingly each other.

          A few years ago, I developed a strong friendship with a girl "Lisa" who attends my gym. We timed our workouts together, chatted endlessly in the sauna, and went out for lunches with each other. After a while, we hung out with each other on a regular basis. On a few occasions, my husband and I socialized with her and her partner although he wasn't the nicest guy to be around. Her partner was very insecure and boring. (Apparently he was the same in the bedroom but now I'm getting off topic, lol).

          From the first time I met Lisa, I had a strong sexual attraction to her and it wasn't until later when I learned she had the same feelings towards me. Our workouts in the gym always seemed longer than they had to be and I always caught her checking me out especially in the sauna. I'm quite sure she has caught me more than once checking her out but I didn't care.

          One afternoon, Lisa and I were having a quick shower at the gym before we had to go back to work. Out of the blue, she asked if I had ever been with a woman before. I gave her an honest answer and asked her the same. She replied "no" but she was curious what it would be like. Right away, I knew by the look in her eyes scanning my body that she was attracted to me. The few seconds of silence that followed wasn't uncomfortable at all. It was all I could do to not have sex with her under the shower. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed (plus there was another girl nearby), but we did continue the conversation later that evening over the phone.

          Perhaps it was her frustration about being in a poor relationship and enduring an unsatisfying sexual marriage plus her curiosity about my antics in the bedroom with my husband that unleashed her honesty, but she would love me to be her first encounter with another girl. I instantly got aroused just thinking about it, but I could never cheat on my husband. After our long chat, I took a chance and divulged to my husband what Lisa had told me at the gym and over the phone. Honesty has always been the glue in our relationship and this would be another test.

          He didn't say anything for a few minutes and then with a smile, told me to call her back and arrange a night of pure sensuality between her and I alone with his complete blessing. I was completely surprised and after more questioning, I knew he was being honest. He knew about my bi-curious encounters before we met and was never jealous or insecure about it.

          Long story short, Lisa and I spent the next weekend together while my husband was away on a work trip. I divulged all the details to him when he got home and we ended up having phenomenal sex together. Lisa never told her husband and that is purely her decision to make. Since that weekend, Lisa and I have spent a few more nights together and even once had my husband participate. Lisa's husband has never caught on and the relationship has deteriorated even more. As it turns out, Lisa's guilt hasn't prevented her from continuing exploring her fantasies with me.

          So there you have it APT, a true story of two different approaches to the same situation. Be honest with yourself (and hopefully with your partner) before you make a decision.
          Your husband sounds very secure in your relationship with him. Further, you have undoubtedly added to that secure feeling. It sounds like you have a great relationship with him. Maybe most men wouldn't be like he was but there are probably more than many would say there are.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          ...
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

          Comment


          • Cheating with any gender is still cheating. (The reason we think sex with two women "doesn't count" in this country is because we devalue same sex relationships as well as feti****e sex/relationships between women.) However, it is certainly something you could bring up with your boyfriend and see if he is comfortable with. If everyone involved consents, cheating is a non issue.

            When it comes to you only doing things to your friend, that is totally cool too. Sex can be whatever you both agree you want it to be. If that is all you are comfortable with and your partner agrees, there's nothing to worry about. However, if your friend has never had an orgasm I wouldn't be so sure that you will magically be able to give her one. What works for some people doesn't work for everyone, especially with things like this where the problem is usually a mental block of some kind, not a lack of technique. You can still have fun trying though!

            Comment


            • If you do something behind your partner's back and think he wouldn't want to know/lie to make sure he doesn't know, it's cheating. It's better to have a conversation with him, explain your feelings, and find out what he says. It's possible he won't mind -- it may lead to a relationship that's monogamish (in between totally monogamous and an open relationship) as you've both allowed room for this kind of experience.

              Sex with someone of the same gender definitely "counts" even if you're not also having an orgasm or getting specific "attention" from the encounter. It's always better to talk to a partner and give them the opportunity to consent or not. Because if you imagine he'd be upset if he found out later, that tells you all you need to know about whether HE'D consider it cheating or not.

              Comment

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