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Husband interest in possibility of sex with someone else

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  • Husband interest in possibility of sex with someone else

    My husband has recently let me know that he would possibly be interested in having sex with someone else in the future. We have an amazing sex life and he says he absolutely adores me and that he is not looking for something that is missing in our relationship. He just doesn't want to close the door on the possibility of an experience with someone else. I just wondered what other people's thoughts were on this?

  • The question is "how do you feel about it?" If you are ok with it, then go ahead and explore it. If you are not ok, tell him so. Also ask him if he would he be ok if you did the same?

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    • Originally posted by Nina2000 View Post
      My husband has recently let me know that he would possibly be interested in having sex with someone else in the future. We have an amazing sex life and he says he absolutely adores me and that he is not looking for something that is missing in our relationship. He just doesn't want to close the door on the possibility of an experience with someone else. I just wondered what other people's thoughts were on this?
      Welcome to WHI Forums.

      If you two have an amazing sex life and he is not missing something in your relationship, why is he even talking about having sex with someone else? Why mess with success? My observation has been that someone straying from an amazing relationship and an amazing sex life is that there is always something missing in that relationship unless the rules of the relationship allow for casual sex with someone else.

      Other people's thoughts on this do not matter as much as your own thoughts on it. What do you think about it and how do you feel about it?
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • I am really uncomfortable with the idea of it. I have told him this and he won't do anything without my approval.
        I should have said we have been together since we were teenagers (in our 40's now). Therefore neither of us have had many experiences outside of each other.

        Comment


        • Given that you’ve been together since you were teenagers, it’s possible that it has nothing to do with you or your relationship and everything to do with the idea of having sexual experiences with someone else — because that window essentially closed a long time ago when you both very young.

          I don’t want to chalk it up to a “midlife crisis” because I kinda hate that term, but I think at our age (I’m in my 40s as well), you start thinking a little bit about stuff you haven’t been able to do, or things you haven’t tried. There’s this idea that settles somewhere in the back of your mind where you realize that you’ve probably lived half your life at this point — and that can trigger a need to “get out there” and “do” whatever it is that you haven’t done.

          A friend of mine went through a divorce in the last year, after being married for about 25 years (starting from the age of 19 or so). She never had a chance to have the typical “sowing your wild oats” stage many people go through in their 20s, so she’s doing it in her 40s — and that is incredibly freeing for her.

          I’m not saying that you should agree to this at all, especially if you’re uncomfortable with the idea. But it is possible that’s where it’s coming from, as far as his perspective goes — life is half over, these are things I haven’t done, is it too late, etc.

          I’d talk to him about it and find out why he feels this way. Maybe that will open up a dialogue between you both where you can understand where each is coming from and reach a compromise.

          If his reasons are what I think they might be, introducing role play can be a way for him to have sexual experiences with someone “new.” For instance, you might get dressed up for a night on the town in a new outfit or in a way that you would never normally dress, go to a hotel bar alone and order a drink as a different woman (even invent a new personality if you want). He can “meet” you there but see you from across the room as a stranger — like you never met before.

          From there, he can hit on you, strike up a conversation and turn it into a “one night stand” with a woman in a bar — get a room, go play out this fantasy together.

          In that way, he can experience the sensation of being with someone new, but not in a way that actually requires a new person. You can even explore sex while in character — as someone bolder or shyer, someone far less inhibited or more reserved. He can do the same — in that way, you're both "new" to each other.

          Again, understanding exactly why he feels this way is the first step to finding a solution — I could be completely wrong about this (and it wouldn’t be the first time). But it’s definitely a conversation you need to have together — why he really feels this way, and what can be done about it.

          Comment


          • I will echo Allison's comments on this. I experienced something similar, but the urge to explore hit me in my mid-twenties, after being with my husband since I was 14. I ultimately left him at 26. It was the only way.

            So, it could be that he has some unsewn oats...or it could simply be that he needs a change. Sometimes we just need to feel "alive" and bright, and we need to freshen up our routine. Either way, some very deep, honest discussions need to be had, and perhaps in the presence of a counselor to help guide your discussions. If you're not comfortable with this, maintain your boundaries, but be aware that his needs may be such that only outside exploration will meet those needs. Alison has a great idea, tho', and that may very well work to satisfy his curiosity. Communication is key here, and strong, honest and clear discussions are imperative.

            I think it's also important to note that, he may not have a completely clear reason for his desires either. Counseling may also help him get some clarity on his thoughts and feelings. He says he won't do anything without your approval, but that will leave him ultimately with unresolved feelings, urges and curiosity that could potentially lead to resentment, and other problems. If he's bringing this up to you now, he's probably been stewing on this awhile. Best to begin working toward a solution.

            Comment


            • I agree with a lot of what's already been said and think the desire for a new experience can come from all sorts of places, but I also wonder if this is your husband's inartful way of bringing up polyamory. Maybe he's encountered it in other spaces and it intrigues him. (That doesn't mean you have to go along with it, because both partners need to consent to it.) But a lot of poly folks are completely happy with their partner and don't seek out another partner as a replacement, either.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by EmpyNester View Post
                The question is "how do you feel about it?" If you are ok with it, then go ahead and explore it. If you are not ok, tell him so. Also ask him if he would he be ok if you did the same?
                You are so right! I am agreed! Ask him if the situation is replaced.

                Comment

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