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Am I dumb to love him?

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  • Am I dumb to love him?

    Guy make it very clear to girl that it just a "transaction". If girl agreed, they will have sex. If not then there nothing left to talk about.
    He meet up for sex and brought his own condom.
    He wore a condom from began to end, even with a condom on before he climax he still pulled out. He pulled out while with a condom still on, and finishes by his hand and jerk it off into the condom. Leave walked out and took the condom with him and throw in the trash outside parking lot
    To him it was purely physical, he never care about that girl. And a one time transaction only, if he wants sex again he will find a different girl.

    And he did, second girl, it was just another 'transaction', no different than above.

    Years later he ended up got married (shocking right? didn't think he was capable of love girl). Why married? He said with his wife it beyond the physical, it because he "deeply emotionally attached" to his wife therefore he married her. It something he feels for her that he never feel for those transaction girls or any girl girls before.
    And even if they going through dry spells or even if one day sexless, he still loves and stay with his wife, because he still deeply emotionally attached to her.

    So basically I'm very dumb to love a bad guy like him right?

  • Originally posted by sahw2015 View Post
    Guy make it very clear to girl that it just a "transaction". If girl agreed, they will have sex. If not then there nothing left to talk about.
    He meet up for sex and brought his own condom.
    He wore a condom from began to end, even with a condom on before he climax he still pulled out. He pulled out while with a condom still on, and finishes by his hand and jerk it off into the condom. Leave walked out and took the condom with him and throw in the trash outside parking lot
    To him it was purely physical, he never care about that girl. And a one time transaction only, if he wants sex again he will find a different girl.

    And he did, second girl, it was just another 'transaction', no different than above.

    Years later he ended up got married (shocking right? didn't think he was capable of love girl). Why married? He said with his wife it beyond the physical, it because he "deeply emotionally attached" to his wife therefore he married her. It something he feels for her that he never feel for those transaction girls or any girl girls before.
    And even if they going through dry spells or even if one day sexless, he still loves and stay with his wife, because he still deeply emotionally attached to her.

    So basically I'm very dumb to love a bad guy like him right?
    Welcome to WHI. You are not dumb. Who a person ends up falling in love with is often not a conscious decision. Trying to convert a person who views having sex with you as a transaction into a person who loves you is not an easy process and often will fail. It is best to move on and find another relationship where both partners become emotionally attached to each other so that sex is only part of the relationship.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • I don’t think you’re dumb — people fall in love every day with folks who will break their hearts for one reason or another.

      You mention that “years later” he got married to someone he was deeply emotionally attached to (his wife). The thing is, we all grow and change as we get older… the sex and relationships we have when we’re younger are not always indicative of the bonds we’re capable of making as we get older.

      I’m not excusing his behavior, especially having sex with women and treating it as a transaction. But at the same time, it’s one he may have grown out of, too. I knew a guy like that when I was much younger — someone who had a lot of one-night-stands and random sex with people he didn’t really care much about.

      Many years later, he got married and had a family. As far as I know, he’s still married and I assume happy.

      That said, the news that he got married DID shock me when I heard, because at the time when I knew him, I never would have thought that possible. But again, the person I knew in the past is not the person he is now — does that make sense?

      So no, you’re not dumb for loving someone. But he also might not be the same person he was years ago, either. Then again, if you’re talking about having sex with him currently, maybe he is — but you deserve better than being the other woman.

      If you're not having sex with him currently and you're still in love with a version of him from the past, it's worth seeking a relationship with someone who will love you back just as strongly.

      Comment


      • You're not dumb to love someone like this - we feel what we feel, and it can't really be helped. I do think it's important to be real with yourself about who you're dealing with when you come across a transactional person - and whether you're causing yourself harm by attempting a relationship or allowing the transactional sex while hoping for more.

        And it's important to remember, as others have mentioned, that people change. Who he was several years before (during those sex = transaction moments) may not be who he is now.

        Just like you met him and fell in love, he's capable of doing the same, and it (apparently) hadn't happened to him before he met his now wife.

        You're worthy of someone loving you back as much as you love them, and it's important (but often difficult) not to settle for less than the love and affection you deserve.

        Going into relationships with people like this thinking you can change them will likely end in misery and heartbreak.

        Comment


        • I think your first sentence says it all. He made it clear it was transactional only for him, no feelings or intent beyond the physical. And it seems, from your post, that he continued to have physical-only relationships with other women. I'm unclear, from your post, whether you have continued this physical relationship over the years, or if you simply felt more and wanted more after that one interaction and have kept up with him over time.

          Regardless, I don't think you're dumb for caring for someone. We can't really help who we have feelings for. We can, however, make choices about what we do with those feelings. Allowing a man like this to occupy space in your mind, knowing he will never deliver what you want/need, is only going to bring you heartache, and prevent you from finding someone that will love you, and that you can love in return.

          Comment

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