Husband has very low sex drive

[DIY_Rainbow]

My husband and I have been together 9 years and married for 3. We are both in our early 30s and we couldn't be happier - apart from our non existant sex life.

I had quite a high sex drive when I met him and it became apparent very quickly that he wasn't the same. I thought as a new couple we would be having sex all the time but I had to pretty much convince him once a month to have sex. We weren't doing touching each other at all, just kissing and cuddling and over the years I've had a few crying fits where I've let it get to me and we always say that maybe we will try and spice it up or both make more of an effort and it lasts 1 night and then back to square one.

The past 2 years we have had sex a total of 10 times (I log it in my period app) and even though I should be used to it now, it still affects me and I feel undesirable to be honest. I've tried everything I can think of but nothing sticks.

Any advice welcome! Thank you

[atskitty2]

Welcome to the forum!
You say that his libido has been less than yours from the beginning, right? 9 years? So, this is quite possibly his natural preference for sexual frequency, and unfortunately, it's not likely to change significantly. Has he had his testosterone tested, and had an overall physical exam to be sure there's nothing physically wrong?

Those are things to rule out, though it's unlikely to reveal anything to bring about major changes.

When you say you've tried everything, what do you mean? When you discuss spicing things up, does he say that he's unsatisfied with your sex life too, or is he doing this to try to make you happy?

I ask the questions to try to get an understanding of the communication between you about this. Have you tried sitting down with a counselor? Perhaps that could help with communication and understanding. Bottom line though, if he is less interested in sex and that's just not the way he expresses intimacy, his desire for it may never change.

[Laura V.]

Hi and welcome to the forum! That sounds like a frustrating situation. On top of what has already been suggested - making sure that everything is ok physically and mentally (depression or other blocks) - I'd ask: is there a possibility he is asexual? If everything is ok otherwise, this could be an explanation for his lack of interest in sex. Considering how little talk there is about asexuality, it's possible he himself isn't truly aware. An honest, judgment-free communication session, might help you both get to the bottom of it.

[Zoë T.]

This sounds SO frustrating! Like TylerDamon mentioned, I think that addressing this issue with a couples therapist, mental health professional or sex therapist could be super helpful for you and your partner. It's possible that you are both just not communicating properly and are unable to get the right words across to express how you're feeling. A therapist will also help you to lock new systems in place so that you don't find yourself in a pattern of attempting to "spice things up" and it only lasting for one night.

[Wednesday L.F.]

My husband also has a lower sex drive than I do, and it’s something we’ve had to work through. At first he tried things like testosterone patches or supplements, to no avail. I had to accept that this was an incompatibility that was no one’s fault. But I also knew that I needed more intimacy than he would initiate.

Once he understood how important an active sex life is to me, we found ways to compromise and make sure there’s satisfaction for me while his wants are respected. Sometimes that means I get oral 3-4 times a week but intercourse only 1-2 times a month. As a bonus, he became more interested in sex once here it less pressure and less guilt because he thought his low sex drive was making me feel bad—which it was. This took a long time to wrk through and many difficult conversations.

[Monique Kova]

From my understanding, you knew he had a low sex drive at the beginning of your relationship and yet you remained with him for 9 years? Did you think he was magically going to change after the marriage certificate was signed?

You were quite vague about your partner's history. Does he masturbate frequently because not all men are ravenous sex addicts like we are led to believe as women. There could be many other reasons why your partner has a low sex drive. You made no mention of having a serious chat with him to uncover his feelings and perhaps that is your main mistake. Maybe he had a bad experience earlier in life, he could be on the gay side, or perhaps he just isn't into you. The possibilities are endless but at the end of the day, you can't force someone who hates meat to suddenly enjoy eating steak and hamburgers.

If your initial relationship started with nights of passionate sex, then at least it narrows down the reasons but this isn't the case with you. You can try some deep counselling with a professional, but don't expect a miracle. You are in your early thirties and already the resentment is building inside you. Your crying fits and making him feel guilty will not help in the slightest and I guarantee one (or both) will eventually sabotage the relationship subconsciously if it hasn't already begun.

Most professionals worth their salt would agree that if your partner develops a particular habit "during" a relationship, it becomes easier to modify or at least address than if it was the norm beforehand. Since you indicated the other elements in your relationship are good, you may have to take your sexual needs into your "own hands" and start building a toy chest. It may not be the same but if your partner knows you are at least masturbating, it takes the pressure off him and who knows, it may provide some inspiration for him to join in.

Good luck.

[i-red]

Hello everyone...How are you?

This sounds very bad that somebody has very low sex drive power. Low sex drive power is the most common sexual disorder(erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and early discharge) in males now these days due to their bad and busy lifestyles. You can try health supplements, pills, and Ayurvedic oil to treat this health issue and do contact to health specialists also.

[Gena G.]

It can be really frustrating when you and your partner have different libidos but in my experience that's just the way it works sometimes. Some people need more sex than other people. Before looking into testosterone or pills or anything that would mess with your husband's body, is he bothered by his low libido or does he feel content with the current situation? If he is comfortable the way he is but you would like to have more sex, would he (and you) be comfortable if you found a sexual partner outside of the relationship? It's easy to see your relationship as "failing" when you're measuring it against a very strict social norm but it's very rare to get everything you need sexually and emotionally from one single person. I was in an open relationship for years. It takes a lot of trust and communication but it's a good way to both get what you want. Neither of you deserve to not be getting what you want. In my experience, an open relationship is a good way to keep the emotional relationship that is working with your partner while still enjoying a sexual relationship you were missing out on. It can be hard work though so definitely do your research before diving in!

[Kayla Lords]

I see a lot of solid advice here. My first thought, upon reading your post, echoes what someone else mentioned - could he be asexual.

It's also worth remembering that "sex" isn't just a single act (penis-in-vagina penetration). It can encompass a lot of activities, including masturbation. (Or as someone else mentioned, oral sex from your partner.)

I highly recommend having a conversation with him - to rule out physical or emotional issues and to find out if *he* considers his level of arousal and libido a problem that he wants to "fix."

That being said, in the meantime, or once you know where he's at on the topic, could you explore masturbation (with or without sex toys)? If you have desires and a need for release, there's no reason you have to wait for partnered sex to get it. And if you find the right toy/stimulation/level of pleasure that leaves you feeling more satisfied, there may be less pressure on both of you to have a specific level of partnered sex.

[jns]

Testosterone levels can make a difference although many times that isn't the case as Wednesday L.F. pointed out. Low testosterone levels can lead to failing to maintain an erection long enough to reach climax. My experience is that doctors do not explore this relationship enough and instead rely on a number that may not fit well in many cases. The consequences of failing to maintain an erection long enough are that the man is disappointed and the woman is disappointed. A negative feedback loop is created. The original poster says that kissing and cuddling takes place but sex is very rare. Many detail are left out about how the husband performs during those rare times. I've seen a lot of posts about situations like this over the years. Sometimes it is the man with a low libido and sometimes it is the woman. I tend to think that a lot of these cases could be helped by a doctor that understands the interaction of the hormones involved and how the brain works in making connections to create a positive feedback loop. By fixing the husband's situation in this case, it would also make the wife happier. As it is, I feel sad that he does not enjoy having sex with his wife.