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Confused About My Sexuality

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  • Confused About My Sexuality

    So, I’ve had sex before but never without dissociating all the way through it. It’s very strange and incredibly depressing and I honestly don’t know why it happens. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed sex but I do enjoy kissing and am able to get horny/aroused. That being said, I find it incredibly hard to masturbate to anything specific other than just the feeling of masturbating. I also get very impatient and distracted easily when doing so. Has anybody else ever experienced this?
    It feels a bit weird to wonder if maybe I’m asexual given that I very much wish I could and want to enjoy sex, I just can’t really.

  • Hello oregondoll27 Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your story with us here.

    I am not a medical expert, so everything I say is speculation and opinion, but I do believe it's awesome that you've become aware of this in a way that makes you want to seek some sort of answer to it.

    While I am not asexual, I have had experience with those similar to your situation.

    Quite often, there is something deeper/beyond even what the person themselves remembers or wants to remember with regards to potential trauma or past experiences that have cause such a dissociation to happen as a means of protection.

    Now, I don't know your exact details and situation, so this is all speculation on my part, but my answer comes from a place of experience with those I have crossed paths with in my life who either defined themselves as "asexual" or some other derivative of that phrase/nomenclature.

    Quite often, they would express that "this is just the way I am" when they would lose interest in sex, or their eyes would glaze over while becoming intimate and disappearing...

    Over time, most would realize or come to terms with something from their past -- abuse, embedded trauma, PTSD -- that was triggering this response in their current relationships and being.

    They say that the body remembers trauma even if the mind blocks it out.

    There are several ways you can try and get to the bottom of this, through therapy, talking with others in similar situations, support groups, etc.

    While I don't have a definitive answer for you, the truth could also be simply that you are on the spectrum of asexuality, and it's nothing to be worried about, embarrassed or ashamed about -- or disappointed in.

    The truth could also be that you haven't yet found what really turns you on -- or allowed yourself to be ok with it or give into it fully -- thus also potentially leading to these feelings of frustration, ambivalence and searching.

    We're all built differently, so ultimately it could be a simple issue of figuring yourself out and what you like, or a deeper one with regards to walls being built up for very good reasons that served you in your past, but no longer do.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by oregondoll27 View Post
      So, I’ve had sex before but never without dissociating all the way through it. It’s very strange and incredibly depressing and I honestly don’t know why it happens. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed sex but I do enjoy kissing and am able to get horny/aroused. That being said, I find it incredibly hard to masturbate to anything specific other than just the feeling of masturbating. I also get very impatient and distracted easily when doing so. Has anybody else ever experienced this?
      It feels a bit weird to wonder if maybe I’m asexual given that I very much wish I could and want to enjoy sex, I just can’t really.
      From your situation with your ex, I can see why you are questioning yourself at this time but that situation was not of your doing or fault. You enjoy kissing and get horny/aroused. Does that ever lead to orgasm? Does masturbation ever lead to orgasm? I ask because orgasm releases chemicals that make a person feel good and that person often wants to repeat that process to get that feeling again. This feedback system drives people toward having sex again. It also is something that makes sex enjoyable. Have you enjoyed getting a partner aroused? Getting a partner aroused is enjoyable in my opinion.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • I agree with a lot of what has been said already. One question that comes to mind...are you having the type of sex (positions, method, etc) that you think you should be having or that you actually want to be having? And with people you want to be having sex with?

        We're often taught "scripts" from a fairly young age about how sex is "supposed" to go -- even though most of us never receive actual sex ed, the world we live in (adults, friends, media, etc) tends to provide some info about the societal norms and expectations around sex.

        So what did the world teach you about sex before you had it and do you want to have that kind of sex at all? It's possible that you're not actually tapping into what really arouses you. It may be worth taking some time to think about it (if you haven't already).

        Comment

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