[loBurner]

hi so my fiance gets mad because he always has to start anything intimate and i want to im just always scared to its out of my comfort zone and im scared of rejecton even from my own fiance. i dont know how to really start things ive always thought its a mans job and if a women does it shes a ***** but thats me but its making him really unhappy and makes him feel as tho i am not attracted to him. what can i do to make it easier and feel stupid trying to initiate stuff. its also hard sex talk and toys and all of that just make me uncomfortable i wish i could break myself of this help!

[Kayla Lords]

Hi there and welcome to the Women's Health Interactive Forum! Talking about sex can be so difficult, especially if it's not what we're used to...and it can be even harder to initiate it!

If you feel comfortable doing so (and haven't already), tell your fiance what you've said here -- about how it makes you feel, and how difficult you find it. Knowing that may help him see it's not about him but something you're working through. He may be able to offer suggestions of things he'd like that you could do or say.

That being said, this kind of communication isn't something we're born knowing how to do, and it's a skill that takes practice and time. My absolute favorite resource for helping people get better at talking about (and initiating) sex is a book called Tongue Tied by Stella Harris -- it's available on Amazon and many other online book retailers. There's an ebook and physical book option, and I think there might be an audiobook. It's easy to follow, helps you figure out your own desires (which is part of what helps people learn how to talk about sex), and may give you the tools and confidence you need to talk about and initiate sex with your partner.

[Addy H]

Hi, Just want to say you are not alone. Have you tried wearing some sexy lingerie (there is some really nice stuff out there that is comfortable- sexy but not sleazy). Find something that makes you feel special. Put it on under your close and whisper in his ear - If only you knew what I am wearing (do it at dinner - that keeps him guessing and he has to wait). This way you have instigated something without having to do anything. Also if you can't talk to him about stuff. Write him little notes. Start small be honest.

[atskitty2]

Welcome loBurner! Glad you've joined us here!

How long have you been together? Without knowing you or the nature of your relationship, it's a guess as to what may be helpful, so I hope my suggestions aren't too basic.

I think an important thing here is to not over think it. You may be thinking that you need to make this grand gesture, or do something really wild in order to initiate sex. Start with a pretty simple action that you may be more comfortable doing, that suits your own style and personality. It could be something as simple and seemingly silly as looking at him in a certain way. It could be just moving your butt out to nudge him as he walks by (this is a fave flirty move of mine). Try just pulling your shirt down a little and reaching in to touch your boob as you look at him. It's really just a little flirtation, being mindful of activities that may turn him on and what you will be comfortable doing. That's key - you need to feel confident and comfortable in what you do.
If you're feeling more comfortable to do more, you can walk up behind him, put your arms around him for a hug and squeeze his chest and then move slowly to his waist and otherwise. Again, it's fairly basic, but it's affectionate and can be turned into more if you want.

I think it's also important to ask him what sorts of things he has in mind. It could be that he's expecting some things that you'd never be ok doing. It's good to talk that through, as well as other sexual needs and expectations, and make sure this is something that can be worked out to each of your satisfaction.