[NewGuyHere]

Hi there, I'm new here as the name suggests. I'm in my mid-30s and have been dating a much older lady (yes older than my mother) since December. It's not that I only go for older women, it's just age isn't important to me and we really hit it off. We click unbelievably well. It's her first time dating a younger guy at all, especially significantly younger, plus she was single a long time too and in a loveless marriage before that. Anyway we took our time and when we were comfortable with it we had intercourse, which I thought was amazing as it seemed did she. Since then we've been intimate regularly, which we've both initiated, but never have we had intercourse since that first time. Awesome foreplay, loads of kissing, exploring our bodies, intimate massage, baths together, plenty of fantastic oral sex and even introducing her to the pleasures of anal play which she loves (but is all cute and coy about). But she doesn't want intercourse and it's making me paranoid. It didn't seem like it hurt her, she seemed to enjoy it, I didn't think I was that bad at it, but if I mention it she diverts the conversation to the point where I don't want to make her uncomfortable or self-conscious by pushing it. Nothing wrong with what we do, I love it and we're intimate a lot, but the unwillingness to have intercourse is playing on my mind. Anyone have any suggestions?

[EmptyNester]

You have to have the conversation separate to intimate. Bring it up over dinner one night.

[Wednesday L.F.]

There are many reasons (soreness, vaginal dryness, religious guilt) why your girlfriend might not want to have intercourse. There are solutions to all of these, but you won't know how to proceed until you know what's up.

When you bring this up (you're planning to do that, right?), it's a good idea for it to be away from the bedroom and not during an intimate moment. Also, be sure to frame the issue as something that isn't working for you, that you'd like to change. Avoid blaming or implying that her feelings or needs are "wrong" because you want something different. Good luck!

[atskitty2]

Hello NewGuyHere! Welcome to the forum!

Couple of things in your post that I want to follow up with you on:
"But she doesn't want intercourse and it's making me paranoid. It didn't seem like it hurt her, she seemed to enjoy it, I didn't think I was that bad at it, but if I mention it she diverts the conversation to the point where I don't want to make her uncomfortable or self-conscious..."

So, how and when do you "mention it"? What has been the discussion on intercourse, and all things intimacy since that time? Is this the elephant in the room during intimacy, and you're both sort of ignoring the glaring fact that there's no intercourse?
Secondly, "she doesn't want intercourse". Has she said that she doesn't want it again? or are you concluding that based on the fact that it isn't happening?

You say that she's diverting the conversation away, so that makes me think she's feeling the need to protect herself and close up. And in turn, you just let it go.
My suggestion is to start with telling her how you feel. Explain that you love the intimacy you share already, and it's been amazing for you. Tell her that intercourse is an important part of expressing yourself and that you would like to explore that further with her. Ask her if it's something she also would like to explore. If she says no, then, ya kinda have your answer, right? You can decide then whether this is a deal breaker for you, or if you're ok to continue as is.

If she says yes, just open up a discussion about it. Explain that you really enjoyed the time you had sex, and that you know there can be barriers to good experiences with intercourse, (lubrication, pain, etc). Ask if there are things that cause her to enjoy it less, and what can you do to make that better for her.
And remember, timing is everything. Choose wisely when you open up this discussion, and make sure it's a time when you're both most relaxed. For example, after a rough day (or week) at work, is probably not the time to bring it up. The key is to share with her how you're feeling about this and create a comfortable space for her to share her thoughts on it. It could be something as simple as she just doesn't prefer sex. It could be a rather easily fixable issue like vaginal dryness. It could be a very serious sexual-related psychological trauma that she has in her past and this triggers something for her. So, you really need to know what you're dealing with before you know whether it has a workable solution.

Also, at 3-4 months into this thing, how is your relationship otherwise? Have you placed boundaries and defined the relationship at this point? How well do things go otherwise, and what are each of your goals?

My bf and I have had these little chats after watching a movie that had a particularly charged sex scene in it. We've talked about it over a casual dinner. We have found ourselves engrossed in a deep discussion on a random phone call one evening. The point of it is communication, and not so much directly about sex. After just a few months together like you two, it's important that trust is established and that she feels safe in sharing what may be a very personal issue for her.

As usual, I've gone way into the weeds with ya here, but I hope it's helpful. All the best to you!

[MeLuvCookies]

I probably have an unusual opinion about threesomes from a guy but after spending nearly a decade in the lifestyle a lot of which I was the other guy in threesomes for married couples and some threesomes with two female couples I found that a true three way free for all threesomes where everybody is trying to have sex with everybody else in the threesomes at the same time created a sort of focus issue for me if that makes sense whereas a 2 on 1 threesome where two people are double teaming the third to satisfaction is much better. Like my kink is I love satisfying women and giving them orgasms, but I found with two women if I'm trying to focus on them both at the same time and satisfy them both at the same time I wasn't giving either of them the focus and pleasure they deserved.

But in a threesome where it was me and another guy both putting the focus on pleasing one woman or when it was me and another woman both putting our focus on pleasing the third woman I liked it much better. So 2 on 1 threesomes are much better in my book than a true three way free for all scenario, and you can always shift your focus to a different 2 on 1 once the first 1 is satisfied so everybody gets their turn.