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Decreased pleasure in sex for no apparent good reason, please help

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  • Decreased pleasure in sex for no apparent good reason, please help

    Hello, my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months, I am 26 years old and he is 36, he recently found out that he has a problem with his libido. I have a normal libido, I like to have sex about 5 times a week, sometimes it can be much more, sometimes less. At this point in our relationship, we have sex almost every night. It doesn't seem like he doesn't enjoy it and even he initiates it almost always but he says that sex doesn't feel like it used to. We are both coming out of 8 year relationships before that he was separated from his ex for a year and a half and before he became my boyfriend, he didn't have sex with another woman, that's just his understanding, he wants to feel the woman in order to sleep with her, he doesn't want to sleep with women indiscriminately and that's how it happened, we met and fell in love, our relationship is wonderful, our communication is extremely good and we address every problem. That's how we got to the problem with the libido, he told me that he thinks he has a problem that he doesn't know why but sex for him is not the same as before, he said that the emotion is not the same and that he used to have a strong sex drive and now that our relationship started he thought at first it was because he hadn't had sex for a long time he had gone into some sort of latent state but now he sees that things are not getting better. There are cases where he finishes in 2 minutes, cases where he finishes in 30 minutes, and cases where he doesn't finish at all. What to do? I've asked him a thousand times if the problem isn't me and he says it's not me and that he is very attracted to me, just sex doesn't give him as much pleasure as it used to. For me, sex is important and even if he tells me that it's not me, my self-esteem is very lowered now because of this. He is also frustrated because he wants to be like before, we just don’t know what to do…..

  • And to add, because I've read a lot and I already know more or less what the causes of loss of libido are - he doesn't smoke and has never smoked, he doesn't drink alcohol and he's never drunk or used drugs, he's a vegetarian, he leads a healthy lifestyle , is active, plays sports, loves his job and has no high stress levels or even almost none (at least in my opinion), takes no medication for anything and has no known chronic illnesses.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by Kristyn12 View Post
      Hello, my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months, I am 26 years old and he is 36, he recently found out that he has a problem with his libido. I have a normal libido, I like to have sex about 5 times a week, sometimes it can be much more, sometimes less. At this point in our relationship, we have sex almost every night. It doesn't seem like he doesn't enjoy it and even he initiates it almost always but he says that sex doesn't feel like it used to. We are both coming out of 8 year relationships before that he was separated from his ex for a year and a half and before he became my boyfriend, he didn't have sex with another woman, that's just his understanding, he wants to feel the woman in order to sleep with her, he doesn't want to sleep with women indiscriminately and that's how it happened, we met and fell in love, our relationship is wonderful, our communication is extremely good and we address every problem. That's how we got to the problem with the libido, he told me that he thinks he has a problem that he doesn't know why but sex for him is not the same as before, he said that the emotion is not the same and that he used to have a strong sex drive and now that our relationship started he thought at first it was because he hadn't had sex for a long time he had gone into some sort of latent state but now he sees that things are not getting better. There are cases where he finishes in 2 minutes, cases where he finishes in 30 minutes, and cases where he doesn't finish at all. What to do? I've asked him a thousand times if the problem isn't me and he says it's not me and that he is very attracted to me, just sex doesn't give him as much pleasure as it used to. For me, sex is important and even if he tells me that it's not me, my self-esteem is very lowered now because of this. He is also frustrated because he wants to be like before, we just don’t know what to do…..
      Welcome to WH Interactive Forums. Libido problems can be difficult to solve. Has he had his testosterone levels tested? Even if they are in the acceptable range, they may be lower than desired. The times he hasn't finished may be causing him to doubt himself. Another thing that can lower sensation are condoms. Are they being used? Even another thing that may be in play is his divorce. Were there confrontations in it that may have lowered his confidence? Does he work on making sure that you have a good time and hopefully orgasm during sex including giving you oral sex as needed?
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • Hello, I am replying after a long time because I was waiting for him to go to the doctor. He went to an endocrinologist and it turned out he was fine. He was tested for several types of hormones and everything is fine, testosterone is at the upper limit even and according to the doctor, everything is at a psychological level. He has an erection all the time almost full and it doesn't come off, he just doesn't feel satisfied.? He says he is very horny for about 3-4 minutes and then suddenly goes away and doesn't come back on enough for him to cum. I asked him if he thinks about anything while we have sex to reduce the arousal, but he claims he doesn't think about anything. He also does his best to make me feel good and to cum every time, but now that I know he's not enjoying it, my libido has dropped significantly as well as my self esteem despite him saying that it's not me that's the problem and that he likes me and that he wants me and that I'm perfect. I think he has a self esteem problem because it was systematically brought down by his ex, because as far as I know she insulted him, about his looks, about not being rich enough and who knows what else, as well as his father, who kept telling him he wasn't good enough at anything. But he has been with his ex for 8 years and they have never had a problem with sex according to him since I told him what I thought and we discussed it. He himself says that he is not satisfied with himself and knows that he has a problem with self-esteem, but for some reason he does not think that it is hindering him and that this is the reason for his low libido, since he says that he has had a problem all his life with self-esteem and it never affected his libido, he always had a high libido. Could it be that it is only now starting to show after so many years? I'm helpless now, I don't know what to do.

        Comment


        • This sounds very frustrating. It’s also something that can happen with age, during times of stress, or even due to things like diet. I will say that when my hubs was having similar issues, my repeatedly asking him about it was unhelpful and may have compounded feelings of inadequacy that exacerbated the issue.

          Ultimately we worked it out with patience and sex toys. Cockrings can be wonderful things.

          Comment


          • Improving self esteem is something that requires individual action to discover what is causing the low self-esteem and then putting in actions to fix it. This is all providing its not something deep rooted in trauma.

            But if you don't like your physical appearance then eating healthy and lifting weights is an easy fix with quick reward.

            If it's work then think about what you want to do and make the necessary steps. Being happy and enjoying work is far more important than chasing the money.

            Be honest about the issues and back it up with other honest opinions

            Comment


            • A libido issue after 5 months is concerning though. You should both be exploring your sexuality because sexual chemistry is the only way long term relationships work. Be open and honest early because holding it in could be viewed as lying if it's brought up years down the line.

              Comment

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