[MeLuvCookies]

This will sound like a weird and possibly offensive question so sorry for that.

So my wife says she doesn't like anything at all sexually except intercourse which severely limits my available tools and options to give her sexual pleasure. But over the years we found positions that she enjoyed and got pleasure from and I could at least sometimes get her off. The best one was when she would get on top of me and ride. She would almost instantly get into it and pretty reliably would orgasm. I don't know if it was the angle or just the fact that her being in control of the action forced her to concentrate on what she was doing so she had to be present. Either way it worked a lot.

She stopped getting on top for a while. But now when I got her to get on top of me again recently she stopped almost immediately and said it felt too deep and hurt her. While my ego would love to think that was about me I know I haven't gotten any bigger so something must have changed for her that made a position she used to really love now too deep and painful.

Similarly in missionary she used to wrap her legs around me and pull me in or she used to love when i would sort of fold her in half with her legs over her head. But now she says all of that hurts and feels too deep and when we are in missionary she always pulls her legs together like they are squeezed together tight and out straight flat on the bed which forces me to wrap my legs around her hips and sort of penetrate her from a much shallower angle from the front. I went with it because I figured if she was doing something on her own initiative she must be doing it because it feels good for her and I'll go with anything that gives her pleasure. But come to find out she tells me she has been doing that because she says she doesn't like the deep penetration anymore and it doesn't feel good for her but the position she is in doesn't like feel better and give her more pleasure it just gives her less pain than the others.

Pretty much the only position she seems to like and get into the sex during is from behind either lying on our sides or her lying on her stomach and me on top of her from behind, I think that is called lazy doggy. God sex position names are so comical. Anyway, I would think if she deep penetration hurt her these two positions would be too deep and painful too but for some reason from behind it doesn't seem to hurt her and she can get into it. It still takes a while but she eventually can get into it.

I'm not like shaming her its not her fault. I'm just trying to understand what is happening and what I can do to overcome and accommodate whatever issues she is facing that are making sex not enjoyable for her and what I can do to work around it to make sex more enjoyable for her. She won't really talk about sex with me or a sex therapist so I am left trying to do all the work of understanding and learning to be better on my own. Its frustrating but I can't just give up, that's not an option. She deserves the best most amazing sex possible and she deserves pleasure and orgasms and I really need and want to give that to her if I'm being honest. it is a selfish need on my part too.

Is there any scientific logic to what is happening here that I can do anything to make sex not hurt and be pleasurable for her.

[JonnyR]

Actually, this is not strange at all!

What might be happening could be hormonally related, and there could be atrophy of the vagina, dryness or other issue with the tissues actually being depleted because of hormonal issues.

A quick solution would be to simply use lube -- water based is usually the easiest/best, but also oil-based lubes or silicone are also ok, depending on the situation, birth control needs (if you use condoms, never use oil-based lubes!), etc.

The longer term solution could very well be hormone replacement therapy, and not just globally (like taking estrogen/progesterone/tesosterone combos) but LOCALLY -- there is a lot of evidence that women need hormones vaginally to help reinvigorate the tissues to their previous states so that they are more receptive to sex, sex feels more comfortable, and the vagina regains elasticity, lubrication, and the other parts don't get as irritated.

This is a real thing.

I shared a link to a podcast in another thread about low sex drive, because frankly, it's all related.

Especially if you were able to have intercourse with her previously without issues and this is more recent.

You can find that here on the 3rd page:

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/forum/sex-sexual-health/sex-sexuality/822936-low-sex-drive/page3

Aging and menopause wreak havoc on a woman's body -- not to mention the longer-term effects like bone density loss, increased risk of heart disease, and dementia.

[MeLuvCookies]

Thanks. She is definitely perimenopausal, well I shouldn't say definitely because she refuses to get her hormones checked despite several doctors telling her that she should so technically she doesn't have an official diagnosis but she is the right age and all the classic symptoms so that seems logical. She actually refuses to even ask a doctor about anything she can do to deal with perimenopause-related sexual and libido symptoms let alone try anything. It has been a source of tension and fighting between us because while I try to be patient and sympathetic I find it a little puzzling and insulting sometimes when she cites perimenopause as the reason why doesn't want to have sex or doesn't enjoy sex even when we are the middle of it, but she won't ask a doctor about HRT or supplements or do any research or make any tangible effort to address the issues she says are caused by peri. It almost feels like she doesn't want to address those issues and she doesn't want to enjoy sex with me or have a sex life sometimes and like she looks at having peri as a get out of jail free card to get out of something that she has the attitude is a chore but I am trying so hard to make enjoyable and pleasurable for both of us. So I find that more than a little frustrating sometimes. Like I know HRT would probably help her big time and not just for the sexual side effects for the sleep problems and the night sweats and mood swings and exhaustion etc. Her doctors have told her to get her hormones checked. Her doctor has given her a list of supplements to look up and try to help her peri-related side effects. She has bothered to lift a finger to look into them or try them. Her doctor even gave her progesterone cream to try once, which is borderline questionable since she hasn't had her levels checked but whatever. She never tried it. I've offered to explore literally anything in bed she wants to try to make sex enjoyable and pleasurable for her and find whatever works to give her orgasms and find options that work for her wherever she is and whatever her body needs now and in the future. She doesn't want to try anything except straight up penis in vagina penetration with no foreplay which makes giving her an orgasm a major uphill battle against the odds for me every time. All I have ever asked of her was to be present in our sex life and make an effort and not give up and it feels like she just isn't trying and wants to give up sometimes which hurts big time.
And as positions she used to like seems to be changing or hurting her now and she is taking them off the table it really leaves me with fewer and fewer options and tools at my disposal to get the job done of a husband and partner to satisfy her like any guy should want to try to do for his partner. It is a little puzzling to me that she finds getting on top too deep and painful, and she finds missionary too deep and painful unless she pulls her legs together, because she doesn't find taking it from behind in doggystyle painful even though that would seem to be as deep if not deeper than the other options. Whatever. That seems to be the most effective position at the moment so for lack of a better term I am riding that horse to the finish line as many times as I can while it works. I'll do whatever works.
And funny enough she doesn't use like traditional lube but I bought her this THC based weed lube stuff a while back and she tried it and really liked it so now she actually uses medical grade THC salve that is supposed to be for like pulled muscles and injuries but she uses it as sex lube as well and she says that it helps so rock on. I wholeheartedly endorse that stuff. In the words of Rick James, weed is a hell of a drug.

[JonnyR]

The weed/THC lube I have heard some positive things about for some couples and folks using it -- and like you said, whatever works, even if it is a placebo effect!

I would also say that if she things the lube works, that then should also alert her to the distinct possibility that other options might be even better and more permanent like the HRT, locally and globally.

What I would say is that there probably is something else going on here that is deeper than just the sex, just her not wanting sex anymore, and using this as a ready-made excuse.

I know plenty of men and women who would not tolerate for a second (me included!) a diminished sex life and if/when it should occur, we are doing our ****dest to figure out why, and get to the bottom of it.

That leads me to think that there is an emotional, psychological, or other mental block going on here.

That would also then lead me to think about couples therapy, seeing a sex therapist, or having her perhaps go on her own to figure all of this out.

There could be things inside her that are coming out in this stage of life that were just packed away previously.

Now I understand that therapy is a 2-way street...you can't force anyone to go, and even if they do, if they are not active and willing participants, it won't mnatter.

Some other suggestions that have helped me and others that I know include:

- Therapy
- Sex therapy (look up Esther Perel's work, she is great!)
- Seminars or similar (Tony Robbins has been a big influence in my life, and a big part of his teachings go into relationships, sex and gender roles and couples' dynamics)
- Podcasts or videos that resonate for both of you (popular influencers, guides, or experts in this field you guys would listen to)
- other similar stuff

Again -- this has to be mutual. So if you talk with her and share your honest, vulnerable feelings, I can't see how anyone would deny that and if the marriage, relationship and life you've built are worth fighting for, then action will be taken provided there isn' something else there causing her to not want to fix things.