[Hai-en]

I feel arousal or just a similar response at every mention of something sexual and I'm horrified by that. This is happening from a long time, like a year almost where any mention of sexual action causes this and I don't know why this happens. I want it gone but it has become automatic. Be it a mention of any sexual action between same sex, different sex, non consenual, consenual, p*dophilia or z*ophilia. I just can't brush it away bcz of how automatic it has become. When I read any crime report regarding r*pe, p*dophilia or z*ophilia, I feel mortified by this. I'm not sexually active or engage in anything erotic so this is just beyond my comprehension. It makes my TOCD and HOCD also very worst bcz although I enjoyed hetro fantasies, idetifies as straight, wants to ve straight but has never been in a relationship, it makes me question that if I get this twitching response at everything, what is my actual sexuality?

In TOCD, it makes me think I'm a boy that's why I feel this twitch at predatory things as well. I'm very depressed bcz of this

[Alison H.]

It's normal to experience automatic sexual/physical responses that don't align with our values, desires, or even sexual identity. Arousal isn't necessarily a reflection of attraction, if that makes sense. Sometimes it’s just an involuntary response thanks to hormones. (Which most people can relate to after the age of 13 or 14 or so, when hormonal shifts start driving desire. It can feel very out of control.)

It also makes sense that you'd feel horrified and confused, especially if you're associating these reactions with ideas that deeply upset you. But feeling upset by it and by your body’s involuntary response is actually a strong indicator of your values being intact. The fact that this distresses you shows what kind of person you are and what you stand for.

Have you had a chance to talk to a therapist, ideally one who’s familiar with TOCD, HOCD, and/or sexual intrusive thoughts? Because what you're describing is actually more common in OCD circles than most people realize, and a trained therapist can help you untangle your body's automatic response from your actual self and values.

You're not defined by intrusive thoughts or automatic responses, though. That doesn't change your actual sexual identity or how you choose to identify. (And for what it's worth, sexuality is fluid... and identity can change over time. It's also okay to not HAVE an identity at all if you can't define it.)