[JonnyR]

I was thinking about sex and age. With more experience, we don't just get better at sex and have more satisfying sex, but we also learn not to be so hard on ourselves or take everything so seriously.

I was curious what positive or unexpected changes have you noticed as your relationship with sex evolves over time?

[Alison H.]

I think the biggest thing is losing any sense of worry over how I look, or just an improvement in body positivity in general. Like, after 40, most of your inhibitions fly out the window and you're not focused on "fat rolls" or how your body looks in different positions, or if you accidentally fart or something. It's very freeing, for sure. You're able to just enjoy things in the moment more, I suppose.

[JonnyR]

Yep, that's true!

I've also noticed that as a side effect of being a lot nicer to myself and not critiquing as much (still being honest about whatever, but not dwelling on it or beating myself up about it), I've also extended that to others, too.

When I was younger, my criticism was harsh! But that was likely a reflection of my own self-criticism.

If a woman had stretch marks, or some slight defect, I would dwell on it and be unwilling to partner with her or give her a chance otherwise.

As I've gotten older, I've embraced flaws in others as sexy or distinctive traits that I now enjoy or find appealing, or at the very least don't bother me at all.

Stuff like cellulite, stretch marks, saggy boobs (especially moms), or similar things now are no big deal to me, and I approach them with a lot more grace and understanding -- and even attraction -- than ever before,

It has certainly put a lot more potential partners on the table, but more so, it just makes living life in general more enjoyable and carefree.

[Alison H.]

I think a lot of that too comes down to presentation in the media... not to go off on a tangent or anything, but images in advertising, television, or movies were a lot more airbrushed/perfected than they are now, which I think led to an expectation that stretch marks or blemishes or anything else were not the norm, when they are in real life...

Most women have some kind of cellulite, stretch marks are common, things sag with age (unless surgically lifted)... we see that a lot more now than we did 20 or even 10 years ago. (That isn't to say that photos aren't still airbrushed to death in some circumstances, but less than they used to be, I think.)

Like it had set up an almost unattainable ideal that everyone was trying to live up to, when it was never real to begin with.

But I definitely feel like the older we get, the less that "flaws" are considered as flaws, and they just become a part of the person. (And too, at least for me, personality was always the draw... physical characteristics weren't a make-or-break thing.)

[atskitty2]

I think porn plays a part in all that as well. Agree with all that, tho!

Great topic for me at this point in my life, and maybe I'll make another, more specific post about that soon.
I've been on an adventure sexually, the last couple of years. Many factors there, but pertaining to this post, I think what you both have said is very true. Personally, I've become more giving than I ever was as well. I don't think I was ever a selfish lover, necessarily, but my focus has shifted so heavily to his body, his satisfaction.

I have shifted from a fairly sexual person to having zero desire, zero bodily cooperation, and tons of confusion and frustration. I recently started hormone therapy and I am seeing big improvements.

It's so hard to know whether changes are stress, natural aging changes, hormones, decreased interest in a partner, or what.

[JonnyR]

Ohh...this is a VERY interesting topic for me so please do share when you have a moment in a new thread - re: the HRT and feeling better, this is a HUGE subject of fascination for me as I've seen minor miracles in folks taking hormones to get them back to what was their baseline at say 20-30 years old. Huge life changer in one way, but if you are also struggling in other areas, that's another thing entirely on top of that...so yeah, it's a multi-layered phenomenon for sure!

[Alison H.]

I'm glad the hormone therapy is helping and you're seeing improvements, that's really great news. There's so much change at midlife, even beyond hormones, that can affect desire, bodily cooperation, and everything that comes with it. Like you mentioned, stress (for sure) can be a big one, along with natural aging changes.

And priorities even... like, priorities can change. Where sex was something important at one point, it can become less so (for some) for reasons entirely unrelated to interest or desire or hormones.

There are a lot of factors that can be at play.