[Sugarsugar]

Been struggling with sex with my bf for a long time now.
When we first got together two years ago- he could not “finish” every time we had sex. I thought this was odd because I never had that problem with a guy before.
He told me that was just how he was. He would finish maybe once every 4 times. He told me he had this issue with other women before me.
Fast forward to almost two years later and it has gotten worse. He now rarely finishes during sex.
He has seen an ED doctor but he basically said he didn’t have answers. My bf does not have an issue with getting or staying hard. He simply can’t finish!
The doctor said most guys come to him cause they finish too fast and wish they could go longer. My bf has told me he lacks sensitivity and so the only thing that works for him now is to jack himself off and even that takes him a while.
He has told me he used to jack off many times a week.
Which hearing that sent me down a internet rabbit hole- reading that men can lose ability to finish with vaginal sex if they jack off too much because their D gets used to their hand which is not the same as a vagina. I have brought this up to him and he has since stopped jacking off to see if it will bring sensitivity back but I feel like the “damage” is already done. I mean- he told me he jacked off many times a week since he was like 12!
All of this has caused so much stress for us. I have asked him to see a different specialist for advice but he says it won’t help. If I was a guy with this issue- I’d be trying to see any new doctor for advice and wouldn’t give up so easily.
So now he keeps pushing me to try things like kegals and toys to tighten myself.
I am not against trying it but it’s rough to feel like he is putting it all on me and sometimes feel he is insinuating I’m not tight enough- but I have NEVER had a guy have a problem getting off during sex before him….
I have asked my OBGYN for advice and because I was becoming self-conscious about myself- and she assured me I am normal down there and this issue is his.
I have reached out to and been DENIED by sex therapists because they said based on my description of our situation- he needs to see a doctor - it is a physical issue.
Have any guys had this problem?
Does anyone know of toys or ways to help him get sensitivity back?
It seems this is a problem most guys do not have so I haven’t been able to find helpful guidance anywhere.
It has become a huge stress- please help!

[jns]

Been struggling with sex with my bf for a long time now.
When we first got together two years ago- he could not “finish” every time we had sex. I thought this was odd because I never had that problem with a guy before.
He told me that was just how he was. He would finish maybe once every 4 times. He told me he had this issue with other women before me.
Fast forward to almost two years later and it has gotten worse. He now rarely finishes during sex.
He has seen an ED doctor but he basically said he didn’t have answers. My bf does not have an issue with getting or staying hard. He simply can’t finish!
The doctor said most guys come to him cause they finish too fast and wish they could go longer. My bf has told me he lacks sensitivity and so the only thing that works for him now is to jack himself off and even that takes him a while.
He has told me he used to jack off many times a week.
Which hearing that sent me down a internet rabbit hole- reading that men can lose ability to finish with vaginal sex if they jack off too much because their D gets used to their hand which is not the same as a vagina. I have brought this up to him and he has since stopped jacking off to see if it will bring sensitivity back but I feel like the “damage” is already done. I mean- he told me he jacked off many times a week since he was like 12!
All of this has caused so much stress for us. I have asked him to see a different specialist for advice but he says it won’t help. If I was a guy with this issue- I’d be trying to see any new doctor for advice and wouldn’t give up so easily.
So now he keeps pushing me to try things like kegals and toys to tighten myself.
I am not against trying it but it’s rough to feel like he is putting it all on me and sometimes feel he is insinuating I’m not tight enough- but I have NEVER had a guy have a problem getting off during sex before him….
I have asked my OBGYN for advice and because I was becoming self-conscious about myself- and she assured me I am normal down there and this issue is his.
I have reached out to and been DENIED by sex therapists because they said based on my description of our situation- he needs to see a doctor - it is a physical issue.
Have any guys had this problem?
Does anyone know of toys or ways to help him get sensitivity back?
It seems this is a problem most guys do not have so I haven’t been able to find helpful guidance anywhere.
It has become a huge stress- please help!

I have to agree that a lot of it is probably in his head but the feedback loop is self supporting. Maybe a psychologist can help figure out what is different in the times he does finish inside and reinforce that for having sex. You say he stays hard but that is possible without getting the proper stimulation to reach orgasm. Maybe Viagra or one of the other similar medications would work. Not only do they maintain hardness, they can produce exceptional hardness and also change the feel. Viagra has to be taken before sex but some of the others are once a day so they can make the sex seem more spontaneous since it can happen at any time.

[Maggiemoo]

Could it be from death grip masturbating? My friends bf had that from excessive porn and jerking off hard. They split up because of it. She felt horrible and then so happy when she met someone who she was able to make orgasm

[JonnyR]

Sugarsugar, so this sounds perfectly "normal" to me in the range of potential issues a guy can have.

I'll explain.

Men usually masturbate daily, especially in adolescence -- hell, I used to try and see how many times I could ejaculate in a day when I was younger, with a record of 5 times in a single day. That was a lot of work!

So, the fact that he masturbates now "several times a week" is really nothing, and is not a cause for concern at all -- in fact, millions of men masturbate this frequently or more and perform perfectly fine and ejaculate normally.

Now, here are some things that might be affecting this issue, and other thoughts I have about it as it relates to you and your relationship:

• Too much masturbation - lack of sensitivity: It could be that he masturbates too often (more probably than he tells you!), and is a bit desensitized -- if you ejaculate too much, you lose the sensation and are less prone to being able to cum.

Possible solution: Tell him to NOT masturbate at all, for a period of time, perhaps a week or more, and see if that helps. Another is to tell him not to cum at all in the future unless it is with or inside you. Eventually, he'll be so stimulated that he'll become sensitive and "finish".

• Lack of stimulation (visual, sensory, etc) vs what he's had before: It could be as simple as he's not really that turned on by vaginal sex. So it's "fine" but it's not doing it for him. Maybe he needs porn, maybe he likes certain positions, maybe he wants it more rough and is afraid to tell you, maybe he likes anal or oral or something else (see below), and either he or you don't quite know what it is or aren't honest about it (if he watches porn, what he watches could be a clue).

Possible solution: Just experiment -- ask him to be honest, and DON'T judge him regardless of what his answer is! Then see if it's something you're willing to try.

• Lack of stimulation vs. what turns him on: Similar to the above, perhaps he has some fetishes or kinks that he needs fulfilled to ejaculate or be turned on enough.

Possible solution: Perhaps he likes hand jobs, so if he taught you how he likes it, that could work for both of you. Or maybe he wants to watch porn; or maybe he wants to try something risque like having sex in public, or anal sex, or something else that REALLY does it for him, but he's embarrassed or ashamed to admit to you. Explore this together without shame or judgment.

• Finally, why is this a problem? As you said, most women would KILL for a man that could last and last and go again and again and again without having downtime. Is there a world where you don't judge him for this, make it an issue, and just go with it?

The way I see it, there's really absolutely nothing wrong with this.

He's just different.

How about making this a GOOD thing?

Lord knows how many women out there NEVER have an orgasm EVER in an entire lifetime, or at the very least in a relationship, and the poor guy is left to wonder what he's doing wrong, and if he'll ever satisfy his woman.

So now that it's reversed, we seem to think it's strange.

But really, it's not, it just on the spectrum of what's normal.

It's not that he can NEVER cum, it's just that it's hard for him to do so, for lots of reasons -- but that's no different than millions of women too!

[Sugarsugar]

You make a lot of good points! I didn’t want my post to be an essay so didn’t include all details of it right off.
To respond to some of your comments/questions-
I do believe based on things he has said and things I’ve read- that he has masturbated too often and too roughly (termed “death grip masturbation online).
We have talked about things that turn him on, tried many many things, kinks, positions, role play…
I know he is attracted to me and likes the things we try.
It truly seems he has injured his penis basically- he has lost sensitivity completely. He has told me he cannot always cum from jacking off anymore.
At my suggestion he did stop masturbating for weeks and it did not make a difference- I think he damaged his penis- so even a few weeks of not masturbating was not enough to recover sensitivity in this case.
The issue is that both him and I have struggled with him not being able to cum. He is frustrated and defeated, he is not getting the release he needs. I feel guilty or defeated in that I can’t give him that release with my body (he doesn’t want me to give him hand jobs btw) and honestly having him cum inside me is a turn on and makes both of us feel more connected.
Also- on your note that many men or women would like a partner who can go a long time- it can be good! But- it can also be toooo long lol. Sometimes I get sore or hurt- and it’s just TOO long! He also gets increasingly frustrated and worn out the longer he goes- knowing he isn’t going to get that “release”.
Since my initial post- I have learned that the most common cause of this issue is too much masturbation or injury to penis (or spine). And- that there is a treatment using nerve stimulation that has a high success rate of re-stimulating and basically solving the issue.
Now my struggle is getting him past his embarrassment of going to ANOTHER doctor. He has quite a male ego and told me it was almost impossible for him to talk to the first doctor about it- and dreads going to another (because the first doc was useless). He is so embarrassed by his struggle (I think he really sees it as a defect) that he doesn’t want to go through telling another doctor about it.
On my end it is frustrating now because I feel he has been putting pressure on me to see doctors and try therapy and toys to “tighten” myself and I am willing to try but I truly don’t feel it is a solution in this case. Also feel it isn’t fair to put it all on me to try things (basically after last doc didn’t help he has “given up” on his end. And is resistant to seeing a new doc about the treatment I found) when I feel it is a physical issue with his body that only he can fix. He basically said in other words “it’s all on me now…” I feel he should be trying to solve the issue on his end too and not throw in the towel already- especially since he is really unhappy about it.

[jns]

You make a lot of good points! I didn’t want my post to be an essay so didn’t include all details of it right off.
To respond to some of your comments/questions-
I do believe based on things he has said and things I’ve read- that he has masturbated too often and too roughly (termed “death grip masturbation online).
We have talked about things that turn him on, tried many many things, kinks, positions, role play…
I know he is attracted to me and likes the things we try.
It truly seems he has injured his penis basically- he has lost sensitivity completely. He has told me he cannot always cum from jacking off anymore.
At my suggestion he did stop masturbating for weeks and it did not make a difference- I think he damaged his penis- so even a few weeks of not masturbating was not enough to recover sensitivity in this case.
The issue is that both him and I have struggled with him not being able to cum. He is frustrated and defeated, he is not getting the release he needs. I feel guilty or defeated in that I can’t give him that release with my body (he doesn’t want me to give him hand jobs btw) and honestly having him cum inside me is a turn on and makes both of us feel more connected.
Also- on your note that many men or women would like a partner who can go a long time- it can be good! But- it can also be toooo long lol. Sometimes I get sore or hurt- and it’s just TOO long! He also gets increasingly frustrated and worn out the longer he goes- knowing he isn’t going to get that “release”.
Since my initial post- I have learned that the most common cause of this issue is too much masturbation or injury to penis (or spine). And- that there is a treatment using nerve stimulation that has a high success rate of re-stimulating and basically solving the issue.
Now my struggle is getting him past his embarrassment of going to ANOTHER doctor. He has quite a male ego and told me it was almost impossible for him to talk to the first doctor about it- and dreads going to another (because the first doc was useless). He is so embarrassed by his struggle (I think he really sees it as a defect) that he doesn’t want to go through telling another doctor about it.
On my end it is frustrating now because I feel he has been putting pressure on me to see doctors and try therapy and toys to “tighten” myself and I am willing to try but I truly don’t feel it is a solution in this case. Also feel it isn’t fair to put it all on me to try things (basically after last doc didn’t help he has “given up” on his end. And is resistant to seeing a new doc about the treatment I found) when I feel it is a physical issue with his body that only he can fix. He basically said in other words “it’s all on me now…” I feel he should be trying to solve the issue on his end too and not throw in the towel already- especially since he is really unhappy about it.

I agree that most doctors are useless when it comes to male sex issues. That is also the case in my own experience.

When he stopped masturbating for several weeks, did he get morning wood?

[JonnyR]

Sugarsugar

Thank you for sharing more. It really helps clarify what’s going on.

First, I want to say this gently but clearly: you are not broken, and this is not something you can “tighten” your way out of. Your OB already confirmed that, and nothing you’ve described suggests this is a you issue.

About “death grip syndrome”...it’s not an official medical diagnosis, but the idea behind it isn’t completely made up either.

Some men who use very high-pressure or very specific stimulation for years can end up with delayed ejaculation or situational orgasm issues. That doesn’t usually mean permanent damage, but it can mean their nervous system has adapted to a narrow pattern of stimulation.

And if he’s now struggling to climax even during masturbation sometimes, that suggests this is more than just a technique mismatch — it could involve nerve sensitivity, pelvic floor tension, or other neurological factors. Those are real, treatable issues.

What stands out most to me isn’t just the physical part — it’s the dynamic that’s forming. It makes sense that you’d feel frustrated if he’s pushing you to see doctors, try therapy, use toys, or “tighten” things while he’s reluctant to pursue another specialist himself. It’s okay for this to be a shared effort. It’s not okay for it to become something that’s “all on you.”

His embarrassment is understandable.

A lot of men tie orgasm and performance deeply into ego and identity. But avoiding another doctor because the first one wasn’t helpful doesn’t mean there aren’t answers — it just might mean he needs a different kind of specialist, like someone who focuses on sexual medicine rather than basic ED treatment.

Hell, I had to visit a urologist once because I felt some strange calcification in my penis and was worried about cancer or something, and that took some effort -- but he was kind, empathetic, and put me at ease. I always thought that every man should have a doctor like that, especially about such sensitive stuff.

Have him do some reviews online for specialists that deal with ED or just general urologists -- some good ones could help.

At any rate, you’re not asking for something unreasonable.

Wanting mutual release and that feeling of connection when he finishes inside you is completely valid. And it’s also valid to say that sex going on too long can be physically uncomfortable and emotionally frustrating.

One thing -- have him basically STOP masturbating if he's open to it. The added sensitivity will help when he eventually can cum with you and make it much more enjoyable, and in the meantime, tell him it's ok to not cum!

I've purposefully not cum for many days, being with a woman for example, over a long weekend in order to keep myself primed -- and it was amazing for both of us.

This doesn’t sound hopeless. It sounds like a treatable issue that requires him to be willing to keep looking for help instead of handing the responsibility to you.

Keep us updated!

[Sugarsugar]

Thank you for that helpful feedback. Yes- he gets morning wood and has no issue getting hard.
I agree with a lot of your points and think because of the specific way he has masturbated so often and so roughly -he lacks sensitivity in the spot on himself that helps him to cum. This is what he has described to me.
Appreciate you seeing my views as well.
All I can hope is that he can get past his ego enough to see another doctor. I try to be sympathetic but lord- I was embarrassed the time I went to my gyno to discuss how I squirt and if my parts aren’t tight enough etc… it’s embarrassing every time you get a Pap smear and the time this bf gave me an STI he got from a nasty chic when we weren’t together.
I want to be sympathetic but I also feel like it’s kind of ridiculous that he himself is willing to just continue this way and be unsatisfied himself- rather than get over his embarrassment and try one more time with a new doctor. Suck it up man!
He has told me he has stopped masturbating for weeks and it didn’t seem to help the few times we had sex in those weeks. But then he mentioned eventually he did masturbate again after periods of not doing it. So I think he needs to go longer not masturbating-
it’s all just frustrating.
thank you for your kindness in your response.

[jns]

Thank you for that helpful feedback. Yes- he gets morning wood and has no issue getting hard.
I agree with a lot of your points and think because of the specific way he has masturbated so often and so roughly -he lacks sensitivity in the spot on himself that helps him to cum. This is what he has described to me.
Appreciate you seeing my views as well.
All I can hope is that he can get past his ego enough to see another doctor. I try to be sympathetic but lord- I was embarrassed the time I went to my gyno to discuss how I squirt and if my parts aren’t tight enough etc… it’s embarrassing every time you get a Pap smear and the time this bf gave me an STI he got from a nasty chic when we weren’t together.
I want to be sympathetic but I also feel like it’s kind of ridiculous that he himself is willing to just continue this way and be unsatisfied himself- rather than get over his embarrassment and try one more time with a new doctor. Suck it up man!
He has told me he has stopped masturbating for weeks and it didn’t seem to help the few times we had sex in those weeks. But then he mentioned eventually he did masturbate again after periods of not doing it. So I think he needs to go longer not masturbating-
it’s all just frustrating.
thank you for your kindness in your response.

Him getting morning wood shows that he doesn't need a death grip to get to that point, only sexual thoughts and some unconscious rubbing in bed. With sex fairly often, I doubt he gets to the point of having a wet dream.

His description of not being sensitive is probably at the frenulum. The frenulum is not the only part that produces a lot of sensation as the corona does also but to a lesser degree. With me, and I think this is with most guys, the sensation doesn't really increase to a level approaching that of orgasm until the corona becomes engorged. If the corona doesn't become engorged, your description of having intercourse for a long time without him reaching orgasm makes sense. I have had that happen before.

Reaching orgasm is about sensation but the reaching the peak is about letting go and not thinking a lot but instead just following the waves of sensation.

The reason I suggested a psychologist (one that deals with sexual issues) instead of a medical doctor is that a psychologist can build up routines that will help him overcome any mental issues telling him that he must be masturbating to reach climax. These will be conditioning routines. Maybe they could include hypnosis.

The reason I suggested Viagra or other similar medications is that they could possibly change conditions enough that he could reach orgasm. Maybe he would get more sensation from the shaft of the penis.

Finally, a question about rhythm. Does he do most of the rhythm of the intercourse or do you also do a large amount of it? Different people react differently to rhythm. Sometimes one partner or the other wants the rhythm to be very specific and that will affect the outcome. This also can play a part when giving oral to a lady. Sometimes she will want to control her thrusting to a specific rhythm that brings her to orgasm.

[JonnyR]

Sugarsugar How are things going for you guys? Was your man able to find a good urologist? When I found one, it was on Yelp reviews and other online sources and they were right, he was awesome. Made me feel super comfortable and luckily I was fine, so that was reassuring.