[SorridLives]

A lot of you guys cannot empathize, I am sure. So, don't feel you have to try to appease me. I know some of you wouldn't anyway...but just in case. I know some you ladies can understand, so if you have any messages that might help...please add them!

I am starting to get anxious because, although I have gotten use to the fact that my husband occasionally masturbates to porn for enjoyment, I am about to face the situation I had last year because he is going to be unemployed (essentially) again except prn/when needed work. That means he will have several days a week free to masturbate when I am not home.
I know I have to take this day to day, week to week and see what happens.

It makes me so anxious because I know that he is physically satisfied, and not as horny when he masturbates earlier in the day. This makes me nuts because I want a horny man to come home to. I thought of telling him this (again) but I don't think he feels he can do anything about it because the urge to masturbate when alone is so strong for him. I think he would just deny that he is doing it 'that often.' He thinks he can lie because he thinks I don't know. But I do know his habits from snooping in the past. He masturbates almost everyday he is alone for awhile.

Any helping ideas? Suggestions?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hello you.

You know the only think i can offer is a hug, so giving one over to you...

I've never had a relationship where porn is involved so i have no solutions to offer.

I am assuming you are working all day, ever day and that the part time work he may get called to will be minimal from time to time, hense your anxiety...


I guess the only thing i would say is to try to keep him busy with a project that you need done, that never got done, from the inset to keep his mind active still on work, and off feeling he's home doing nothing every day......

Hope some thoughts come through to you....

[SorridLives]

Hello you.

You know the only think i can offer is a hug, so giving one over to you...

I've never had a relationship where porn is involved so i have no solutions to offer.

I am assuming you are working all day, ever day and that the part time work he may get called to will be minimal from time to time, hense your anxiety...


I guess the only thing i would say is to try to keep him busy with a project that you need done, that never got done, from the inset to keep his mind active still on work, and off feeling he's home doing nothing every day......

Hope some thoughts come through to you....

Thanks for the thoughts, CW. I know you'd offer something if there were
something to offer. Giving him projects really does not help though. He just masturbates then does the project. LOL (to make light of it)
He can't help himself. Really, No use trying to make him feel bad. I don't want to anyway. I just have to let it go and do the best I can at coping. It's going to be rough until I get use to it again....and maybe I never will get completely use to it.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

Well, we've discussed masturbation in the past in a thread you created, but basically, you've got to make yourself comfortable with him doing it, but if you really feel like your intimacy has been affected then let him know...

I like to masturbate, and if I'm alone with nothing to do, you think "why not?". If I feel like I'm going to be sharing my sexual self with someone, then I abstain. Times in my previous relationship (where the sex sucked) I wouldn't masturbate assuming sex was down the line somewhere, to be unsatisfied, so the next time you think whatever, and that might spoil something... blah blah. All I can really say is something that would work for me, in the morning before you leave get a bit dirty with him (not too dirty mind...), and tell him something like you cant wait to drain him dry and drink him up.... or something. Although it is obviously essential that you make good on whatever you say. That way, he has a reason to abstain, and the anticipation would make it better anyway.

All of this aside, I think you really need to let your man act how he wants to act, without trying to put an invisible leash around his neck and getting him to bring you the morning paper. I mean.... fretting about the fact that he might have some time on his own? I bet he's relishing the opportunity (if he has so little time alone that only now he's unemployed can he get it), don't spoil it for him.

[SorridLives]

Well, we've discussed masturbation in the past in a thread you created, but basically, you've got to make yourself comfortable with him doing it, but if you really feel like your intimacy has been affected then let him know...

I like to masturbate, and if I'm alone with nothing to do, you think "why not?". If I feel like I'm going to be sharing my sexual self with someone, then I abstain. Times in my previous relationship (where the sex sucked) I wouldn't masturbate assuming sex was down the line somewhere, to be....

I understand and it makes sense, in theory. However, it is hard to swallow when faced emotionally.
No, telling him I want him before I leave would not help. He would just think I am trying to make him feel guilty for the masturbation I know he is about to engage in.
he probably does need time alone and is partly grateful for the fact that he will be essentially out of work for awhile. But you have to understand,...he was out of work for almost a year and did this almost daily....then he did it whenever I was out of the hours for an hour or more. It's all a matter of once every two weeks not being enough for him. We are middle aged. Not young adults (maybe more like yourself) that go out with our friends a few times a week. We are basically home bodies. He just wants enough time to do that deed...then he doesn't mind me home. It must be a stress-reliever for him. Also- I think he enjoy it a lot...and you and others do. I worry sometimes he likes it more than partner sex, I guess. I have mentioned that before. I know you probably won't like this...but it is the lazy way of having good sex.
I just have to learn to cope and hope he doesn't annoy me too much. I don't want this thing to cause resentments.

[SorridLives]

Sorry about all the typos in the last message (in response to Anon). I was feeling a little more than a little emotional. It's been an emotional day.

I will correct at least this much...

I said, "...Then he did it whenever I was out of the house for an hour or more. It's all a matter of once every two weeks not being enough for him...."

Meaning that his being able to do masturbation only once every two weeks is not enough. He likes it almost daily, like we have sex. He wants to do both. But I know he is less horny (when we make love) after masturbating earlier. I can see it and feel it.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

Once every two weeks is by no means enough masturbation.... Im making myself sound like a bit of a maniac, but anyway, how can you think that once a fortnight might be enough, in any way?

I understand that you can be upset if you don't feel like he's giving you his sexual all, but you need to at least compromise with yourself, it's not a bad thing if he masturbates say 3 times a week. It's a bad thing if he tells you to go to the shop to get some milk so he can squeeze in a quick orgasm and neglect you the rest of the night.

[SorridLives]

Once every two weeks is by no means enough masturbation.... Im making myself sound like a bit of a maniac, but anyway, how can you think that once a fortnight might be enough, in any way?

I understand that you can be upset if you don't feel like he's giving you his sexual all, but you need to at least compromise with yourself, it's not a bad thing if he masturbates say 3 times a week. It's a bad thing if he tells you to go to the shop to get some milk so he can squeeze in a quick orgasm and neglect you the rest of the night.

Anon,

I feel there is a large difference between yourself and a man probably old enough to be your Dad. I don't think that, since he has partner sex almost daily, he should need to masturbate 3 times a week. Even if he does, for arguments sake....he should consider that it does take something away from his lovemaking in exuberance and excitement. It's like he is going through the motions at least 1/3 to 1/2 the time, when he is masturbating everyday. That does take away from my time with him. It makes me feel hurt and less important....and, yes, I have told him. He seems to be a little selfish. Perhaps he feels sorry for himself because he is out of work...you would think. However, I think that is more of his excuse for himself.

I am just tryng to keep our marriage strong. I am not the type to like being second to anything. Just being honest.
I really am trying to compromise, but it is not easy when I can pretty much predict the future here. I am feeling hurt already....and it hasn't even happened yet...this time.

[SorridLives]

To add: Yes, sometimes it is like he wants to send me to the store or for a visit for a couple of hours, rub one out...and then have me let it go, and not pursue sex that night...-or- except him getting me off quickly (HJ). It isn't all the time. I won't say that. But, other times, he may say he doesn't feel well if he is too satisfied from getting himself off earlier. The most common scenario is that he gets himself off, then we have sex later...but he is not as enthused as he would be if he had not masturbated, and it takes a long time because he isn't that horny.

[Fire(m)]

You do have a dilemma Sorrid...I'm sorry to say. I have a couple of points for you to contemplate.

1) I don't think that this really has much to do with porn. Sometimes I look at porn, but I don't masturbate. Porn is "entertainment" when there's nothing better for entertainment going on. That's the limit of it. Very rarely do I get excited by viewing porn.

2) Remember when you were younger and lived with your folks at home and you had a boyfriend that you were DYING to steal away and make out with? Maybe this is the appeal of the masturbation thing. It's getting away with something taboo maybe?
Don't make it taboo and see how much he does it. In fact, encourage it. What would have happened if every day your parents encouraged you to make out with your boyfriend? You'd probably be like "well I don't want to do it NOW!". Take away the taboo and you just might take away all the joy in pulling one off while you're away.

Masturbating is fun. I do it, but it would me off if I masturbated and later had a diminished sexual performance with my s/o.

Try to "think like he's thinking". Get into his head a bit and try to really understand why he's doing this. Maybe you can counteract what's taking place enough to get you through the next few months.

If I can be of help, I'd like to. Ask anything and I'll try to give you an honest answer.
Cheers.