[guyhelp]

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Male 39yrs old. Everything has been fine except wife has needed alot more time to orgasm than in past. It is noticeable and frustrating. I really go to work on her, oral other night for 20 minutes, foreplay then alot of different positions, talking alot ect. I make a HUGE effort to have a good sex life, buy her lingere, creams, massages looking to please her and the like. I knew something was up for a while but it got to me when after we were done she went into the shower to continue (massage shower head). I quickly confronted her asking questions as to why but she was in denial (um I have ears).

recently she thought I was not in the house so I heard her using a back massager and I could literally here her pushing the motor on that thing, this happened more than once.

I then realized that she was desensitizing herself to the massager and shower head and that was the cause of this. She is a denial type of person and I already asked nicely about this if I was doing something wrong or what changed. I got the everything is fine response. Well I just confronted her forcing her to talk about this as this is causing me not to want to even have sex and alot of stress. I told her that my organ doesnt vibrate a million times a minute and doesnt shoot off thousands of water jets so I cant compete with this and that she was now too used to this. I told I have ears and have hear this multiple times and it is stressing me. She was embarrassed and tried to turn it on me saying I come too quick which is a joke because I have great control. I said if we go at it for 20-30 minutes but the massager lasts about 10 minutes....how am I finishing too fast? She got quiet because it showed that she was not as sensitive.

Can this be changed? I am worried this will not end and the faking will start (there have been one or 2 times she recently faked) and the lieing isnt helping. Feeling like I dont belong between her and her gadgets....

[Romy]

I definitely believe a woman can become desensitized if she regularly uses the shower head or vibrator on a regular basis to orgasm. The shower head in particular is so powerful that you're right, it's hard for a man to compete with that and it's easy for a woman to become dependent on it. I think abstaining from those things would make a difference, but she's got to want to do that.

[guyhelp]

i am getting the feeling that this is not going away.....She wants to brush it off while at the same time I explain that I feel irrelevant. She mentioned me watching porn that I stopped along time ago because it is now disgusting, she doesnt believe me. I explain that I never once have or would take her over bull#$%t porn that she is ten times that. I think she is shocked at realizing what this is causing between us. I told her I cant babysit you or force you to stop something but you cant force me to not realize what is going on and has changed. I hope this isnt a marriage killer...

[bubba29]

you did not say how old she was. regardless of non human stimulation, woman become less sensitive as they get older. it is what it is. don't be threatened. embrace it. buy her some quality sex toys. get her out of the masturbation closet and have her do it with you. my wife is 41 and she needs toys at times too. she is most sensitive in the week 6 days surrounding ovulation. track her cycle and maybe you can increase your odds of getting her off on your own. also, be aware that some medications can drastically effect sensitivity.

[effy2014]

It will certainly not end well, especially with your anger and frustration level. Let me start by congratulating you for your commitment to pleasing your wife. Her pleasure should certainly be a focus of your love making.

However, it appears that your singular focus on her orgasm has left you frustrated...that is not what love making is all about. You're going to take your bat and balls away until she can orgasm on your schedule? Until you brought it up, did she express any disappointment with your performance or sex in general? Has the quantity of sex decreased? Has she turned down sex for her vibrator?

My point is this ... why did you choose to "confront" her? It seems that you are taking this as an insult to your manhood. Rather than confront her ... making certain that she will be defensive and not want to have sex with you. Odd behavior for a "sensitive man".

If you are looking for advice, change your approach dramatically. Rather than be hurt because she is taking her orgasm away from you, ask her what HER needs are and how you can support them. Tell her you want to understand why her preference is for the vibrator. Don't be accusatory and don't whine.

I know your feelings are hurt, but it's her orgasm. Let her guide you.

[guyhelp]

I confronted her because of the lying right to my face when I asked her simply about. That hurt, I was asking because I wanted to know if I can do something different to help, I cant help if she doesnt tell me. Please reread my post as she told me i finish too fast which is not the reason. This was a fairly sudden change and I think that I see a reason.

She had a minor surgery where we couldnt have sex for around 5 weeks. This is VERY long for us. I assume that this is where she got carried away with the devices. Before that there were no big changes and everything was fine. My concern was why is she doing this to the point of losing sensitivity? It is very noticeable and she didnt deny any of it. Confronted was a strong word, I said we need to have a talk and I would just like an answer. I explained everything how I knew so that there was no way "it is all in your head" would happen. I work VERY hard to please my wife because it makes everything better. Any and all comments are welcome. She is 36.

[bubba29]

I confronted her because of the lying right to my face when I asked her simply about. That hurt, I was asking because I wanted to know if I can do something different to help, I cant help if she doesnt tell me. Please reread my post as she told me i finish too fast which is not the reason. This was a fairly sudden change and I think that I see a reason.

She had a minor surgery where we couldnt have sex for around 5 weeks. This is VERY long for us. I assume that this is where she got carried away with the devices. Before that there were no big changes and everything was fine. My concern was why is she doing this to the point of losing sensitivity? It is very noticeable and she didnt deny any of it. Confronted was a strong word, I said we need to have a talk and I would just like an answer. I explained everything how I knew so that there was no way "it is all in your head" would happen. I work VERY hard to please my wife because it makes everything better. Any and all comments are welcome. She is 36.

your wife just sounds embarrassed or afraid to tell you the truth about this. based on your tone hear, I cannot blame her. I don't doubt you work hard at it. don't blame yourself for lack of success. it just is what it is. it can become more difficult as we grow old together. both parties need to work at it together. she needs to know that her pleasure is important to you and you are open to doing whatever is needed to help her get off....including toys. take a supportive tone and tell her you don't mind she does it but you would love to be part of it. maybe both of you could explore her toy use together.

she needs to feel your support instead of your anger and maybe she will open up. the tact of calling her out for lying is obviously not getting anywhere. why not try something new?

[kira]

I used the shower all the time before being with my husband and sex was the same. I've used vibrates the past 9 years and frequently my husband uses a vibrator on me. It doesn't make the rest of sex any worse. I am just not someone that has orgasms from tongue and fingers. The past 2 months I haven't felt like using a vibrator and it's been no different. I'm still the only woman my husband can't make orgasms without tools. It was so utterly pointless to use my fingers when I was young. Maybe I just never had that sensitivity or maybe I just require a more particular way of masturbating and other sex acts.

My husband is not threatened by my toys. We have sex fine even if he needs to use a vibrator after some sex acts. I have some dildos that are beyond his size also but I wouldn't want to have actual sex with someone that large. I did have sex with someone that large and it was very uncomfortable. Just because you can't do what the vibrator does doesn't mean you should get all upset and feel threatened. You do things the vibrator can't but luckily the vibrator has no feelings. It takes different stimulation for each person.

[guyhelp]

This is not about ability, desensitization is a real thing that is known. She went from able to finish easily to very hard or long in just that 5 weeks. The thing she was using was powerful and I could hear it being strained from the pressure she was using.
When someone puts a "thing" be it a vibrator or porn over their spouse they are wrong. I have a friend that the same thing happened to him. I really wouldn't have an issue with it if it didn't interfere with us or was under control, which it is not. Even when she would finish with me fast (even before I was ready) I always made it a point to ask her if there is anything she would like done or changed.

She threw the item out today. I didn't tell her to, I said that this is about your self control. I cant force someone to tell me something.
I am surprised by the amount of info out there about vibrators and porn destroying relationships. Some people are in real denial of this.
Women should not be held up to the now sick standard that porn puts women at.
Men should not be expected to perform to a vibrators ability, its actually physically impossible.

Honestly my real question at this point is has anyone here experienced desensitization and overcome it? Thanks

[kdc]

you did not say how old she was. regardless of non human stimulation, woman become less sensitive as they get older. . . .

Huh? I certainly hope that's not the case for all older women. I'm 60, and my old parts are still very easily stimulated. As a matter of fact, I'm even more easy to stimulate than I was at 40. ;-)