[DarknessEmbraced]

Friday night my boyfriend broke up with me and kicked me out. This had been building for a while.

Since there had been numerous times that he has gone off on a tirade and hurt me emotionally. Where he's said that we need to break up but then we end up getting back together. This time I think the break up is for good. He says the bottles up all of his emotions and then they explode at the least provocation. That he can't control them and doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He said that I frustrate him because I have a low self esteem and sabotage myself when it comes to getting a job. That he doesn't get his work done because when he hurts me he beats himself up over it. That he doesn't like sharing his place with me.

Yet he still says that he loves me and wants to see me do well. My mother's place isn't a good place for me to be either. She hoards everything and there's barely any room for me to sleep on the floor on an air mattress. She's judgmental and puts me down. I don't really feel like I can talk to her.

My ex has let me stay at his place for a few days which doesn't make it any easier. He said that he can't just forget about me. That he cares too much. That he doesn't know what to do because if we got back together the same thing would happen. I know that the healthy thing to do would be to not stay here for a few days, but the alternative isn't any better. It's like we can't let go.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You both really need to look deeper than each other, I have said that before to you.

It is understandable that you both have love, feelings, but if you are both being destructive towards each other, then it is never going to work.

He said a key thing to you - you have low self esteem and sabotage jobs... you have said this yourself.

You therefore need to work on those issues and they probably stem from your family and how your mother has treated you and how you feel around her, so it also is understandable that he is trying to help you again, there but letting you stay with him.

You have to take charge of your life... You have to make the change.... no one, no one, can do it for you.

And, if you do, you may just find that two of you can actually have a proper relationship and that you can break the cycle, the one you know you are in , living in, have lived in , time to let go off the past and work towards your future.

CW

[DarknessEmbraced]

I agree CW. But I do need counseling to work on my self esteem issues. I do need to take charge. Please read my other post in family & relationships and let me know what you think.

[DarknessEmbraced]

Oops this is in the family & relationships forum already. Sorry for that. I've just been really emotionally drained.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

haha, i know... it's fine i have read all of your threads/posts and i know it is hard.

But, the best councellor sometimes is a combination, of yourself, and people who tell you how to work through it. That is what a paid councellor will do and sometimes we tend to think that we need them..

Sure, I know that, but can you not start with believing in yourself a bit more? writing down what has upset you throughout your life, burning it and saying it's over, this is my life now?

That's a mighty good start i think..

I know this is very hard for you, really I do...

CW

[DarknessEmbraced]

I have a hard time believing in myself because of my ex husband. I put up with almost 7 years of emotional/verbal abuse at his hands. I even ended up having an affair during my marriage because that person gave me the attention I craved. All the conditioning needs to be broken. I feel like right now that I'm on edge, ready to blow. My ex seems to keep baiting me. He told me that I could watch shows he downloaded, but then he left some XXX porn on there. I know that it's his place and he can do what he wants. Just wish he had had the forsight to delete it or move somewhere else.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Read my blog.

I also was married for 7 and a half years, he was emotionally and verbally abusive. He also did what ever he wanted and had no concern for me, what ever was on TV was what he wanted to watch, what ever DVD was bought into the house was what he wanted to watch....

If your ex (boyfriend) is baiting you and leaving porn, then he is just as disrespectful hey, in a different way.

Surely there is somewhere else you can go other than back to your Mother's just for a week maybe to find you again?

I can see your angry and hurt...

I just want you to know that you are not alone, people go through simular things, I did, and you have to think of you and you have to think of your son and a relationship may not be what you need right now. Maybe it would be good for you to be with you for a bit.

CW

[DarknessEmbraced]

I wish there was somewhere else to go but there's not besides a shelter. I know logically that my ex and I shouldn't be together because it's toxic to us both. But it's hard to let go. Especially since I have no friends here. He's all I really have. I need to learn how to rely on myself more. But first I need to trust myself and not beat myself up so much. I don't like he left it intentionally, I just think he didn't care whether I saw it or not. I will read your blog CW.

[DarknessEmbraced]

It won't let me read your blog CW.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

POST TWO MORE POSTS and then you can also send private messages sorry didn't realise that you were below 33 in total posts.

You are 100% correct, don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong in those 7 years you remember that. And, if i can come out a stronger person with belief and learn to trust men again, and be positive so can you.

CW