[Hopeless Dork]

Why did I build him up in my head so much, let myself grow this content with him, this attached when I KNEW.. I KNEW.. all along that my feelings were stronger. I guess I had hopes that either my feelings would subside some or his would grow more and we could meet in the middle somewhere. Not the case, mine have grown more so. In fact, so much so that I have been kidding myself into thinking he actually might be in to me. I've been viewing the smallest act of general kindness on his part through rose tinted glasses thinking he must care or why would he do this or that.

Truth is, he doesn't. He hasn't. He is a nice guy, a great guy. The only fault he really has is the hardest one to swallow, and that is that I am not the one he wants to be with. I can see it in how he looks at me, or doesnt look at me rather. His face doesn't light up when he see's me like mine does when I see his. He doesnt race to the phone for me, like I do for him.

What sucks is that I am so happy when I ignore that. Every single time I am ready to throw in the towel he throws me just enough of a rope that I can hold on to with hope. I am not trying to marry him, move in with him, any of that. I just like being a part of his life and having him as a part of mine but not when I feel like I am the only one that is really happy.

I know that he is just passing time, and in a way that is all I am doing. But I do love the time that I am passing and I feel like he is well.. just not that into it. And that is where I am at.

[withered_rose]

I think you should give up, and move on. I know that its really difficult but its better for you to do so. moving on will give you a better chance at a healthy relationship with someone.

[happy ending]

if you are happy, cant you just live in the moment - enjoy the time you have with him now. i know that one day my love will return to his own country, as i have a child and i life here i will not be able to go with him. i enjoy the time we have together, we have now, he makes me happy for the moment and that is (almost) enough. enjoy now, worry about the future later - who knows what we will happen!

[Hopeless Dork]

Thanks Withered for your thoughts, and Happy Ending I like the way you look at life.

The thing is I AM happy, the only time I get down is when I make myself down...like there is nothing he has done or said to make me feel this way. I am basing this whole he's not into me on a gut feeling, and in all honesty most of my gut feelings tell me I am just not good enough in all aspects of life, not just with him. I was having a moment of feeling bad about myself then applied that to thinking he must feel the same way.

I say his face doesn't light up, what does that even mean in re-reading myself. He smiles, he acts happy, he tells me he is happy, I don't whether or not he runs to the phone lol, he answers it. I am basing this whole fear on nothing but a self-loathing that occasionally rears its ugly head.

I DO want to keep enjoying these moments. Life is too short and he makes me so very happy, I just need to quit worrying about the possibility that he might like me less than I do him. In my heart I am not worried about being hurt if things didn't work out, that is not the thing that worries me or makes me sad. The only time I feel that way is when I feel unworthy of him and think that he must feel that way too.

[happy ending]

yes, that is what i was trying to say life is very short, and you dont know what is around the corner. possibly a lifetime of bliss or next week he could be run over by a bus and that would be the end of it - sorry to be a downer, but be happy, he also might really keep his feelings close to his chest. i cant read my man either but every so often he says something so loving and beautiful i just light up for days. sounds like you did just have a bad moment. we all do, but enjoy love, its beautiful and rare.

[Luda]

Oh man...you must feel really bad, but kudos to you for seeing things the way they are! You know that you will have to leave him eventually, and that is going to hurt like -but you deserve to have someone who loves you as much as you love him! It seems like that won't happen with this guy. In last episode of Greys Anatomy there was something I think would make you feel better. I'll copy/paste it:
"Mark: Walk tall.

Callie: What?

Mark: All you can do is be brave enough to get out there. You fought, you loved, you lost. Walk tall, Torres.”

...see what I mean? You love him, but he, as great he is, doesn't deserve that love cos' he doesn't feel the same way...now,(or when ever you think you're ready) is time for you to move on and, well in time hopefully you will find someone who doesn't make you feel that inferior love-wise.

Good luck!

[Ashlee T.]

As women, our intuitions are very strong. We often ignore this intuition, in order to have what we want and later find ourselves saying..."i shouldve listened to my gut". Yes, our insecurities can get the best of us....but don't always blame yourself for your feelings. By doing so, we cheat ourselves out of true happiness...the bliss of true love. In relationships, our feelings may not always follow the exact same path as the others.

You will get to the point where whether or not he smiles, whether or not you have happy moments you will say to yourself "I need more...." because you deserve to feel true love. We all have weak moments where we doubt things, but if those feelings keep resurfacing you need to listen to your gut. Quit ignoring it.....quit telling those intuitons to go away because they're trying to tell you something.

[happy ending]

man i should take my own advice and live in the moment, yesterday i was getting hung up on things, myself, being a woman and prey to your hormones sucks. my boyfriend has lost his job in the economic down turn, and i dont know if he will be able to get another. if he doesnt he will have to go somewhere else. It really sucks.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hopeless Dork...

All of this is because I think anyway, because of the porn.. It has got you in a spin thinking your not good enough and as such, got you thinking he doesn't love you, doesn't run to the phone, doesn't have that glint.. It's in-securities.

You know that you work hard at your body, you state so.. Have faith in who you are guys come and go...

I like Happy Endings verdict...

I am not sure that your boyfriend will give up the Porn and I am not sure that you will ever really be able to live in a long term relationship with someone who does..

I think you don't mind to watch it together "on occasions" but you need to feel like the sex godess that you are and it's amiss because of his watching Porn...

Remember, you are beautiful and there is a guy that will look at you with total lust every day, and you will feel it...

See where this goes.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

Thank you CW and you are right. I have been letting that stuff get to me and make me feel a little bit second rate even though he doesnt treat me that way at all. He treats me with so much respect and doesn't eye other pretty women in front of me or anything like that. He touches me all the time and compliments me and makes me feel like a million bucks. Its only since I saw those girls that are so much more pretty than me that I have felt like he must think I am rubbish by comparison.

He brings so much joy to my life on a daily basis in so many ways. I feel blessed. I know I have a low self-esteem and I guess I don't feel I am worthy sometimes, and seeing those beautiful women, it felt like it confirmed my worst fear of not being pretty enough. But I need to let that go, porn is what it is and I am not going to let that make me sad and insecure. Those women may be prettier but I'm the one he is making the conscious decision to be with so I need to let that speak for itself.

And , CW that was a good joke you added in about finding a guy that doesn't watch porn! :-) in what cave and alternative universe are they hiding those guys? Hehe.

I need to just mature a little bit on the self-image and relax and be thankful for each moment of happiness I get to experience.