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What do I do

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  • What do I do

    Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 4 years. And up until about a week and a half ago were talking marriage. Between the 2 of us we have 3 kids though none with eachother. My problem is this. She has guy friends and it bothers me. All these "guy friends" have shown up while we have been together. Up till now i truly believe from her stand point that she has not cheated on me and she honestly thinks these guys just want to be friends. Though I know better. But everything has changed since a week and a half ago. 8 days ago she started texting a new "guy friend". I found out about this guy friend about 4 days later when she said she needed to make her texting unlimited from the normal 1500 free text a month. I found this odd due to the fact that our plan had just renewed about 4 days prior so she should have had 1500 text to use up. When i asked her why she said she was just talking to her friends alot recently and said she will deffinatly be going over the limit this month. So i said fine. But due to problems we have had before involving texting i decied to look online to see just how many text she had done already. In 6 days she had already used 1400 texts and about 1200 of them turned out to be to this new guy friend. They start texting from about 6:30 in the morning until midnight everynight for the last 8 days. When i brought this up it started an argument with her saying they are just friends and nothing is going on. But she has already lied within this week when talking to this guy or texting with him. I dont like the guy friends to begin with and dont think i can deal with them anyway and stay with her. Oh. And 1 day after she started texting with this guy she also started going out her girlfriends and staying out very late. I also know one of those nights she was around this new guy friend. Am I wrongly paranoid about this guy or am i right in feeling that this kind of behavior should not be going on. She has gone from talking about marriage a week and a half ago to last night not sure if she wants to be with me and wanting her space. The only reason i am still with her right now is the children because otherwise i would be gone.

  • Eesh! 1400 texts?! Personally, I'd leave anyone who texts that much. Get a life. Sorry to be so rude, but seriously. That's over 230 texts per day!

    Normally, I'd say that one should allow their significant other to have friends of both sexes and you should trust her. But this situation sounds a bit sketchy to be honest. I can't think of a single good friend that I would text more than even once or twice a day. What are they texting about? Where are the kids? Is she supposed to be watching the kids during the day or at a job? Because with that amount of texting you pretty much have to be sending or reading a text every 3 or 4 minutes.

    It's normal to have friends and a life outside of your relationship and family but to spend the kind of time and energy on someone (especially with someone she just met) is time that she should be spending with you and your kids.


    • I take care of the kids for the most part. Only time she is alone with them would be in the morning getting them ready for school. And it does not slow down at work. It goes on throughout the day evreyday for the past week. Isnt wasnt as bad before that. But like i said the past week it has been from 6 in the morning till midnight all day.


      • That's ridiculous.


        • Sounds more like an addiction than a freindship


          • I recently replied to a woman that was having a similar problem, concerned with her boyfriend and female friends. Just in reverse.


            Time is love and if she is spending it obsessively texting, who is she really spending the most time with? The thing is, men usually cheat physically because they are more aroused by appearance, whereas women on the other hand generally cheat emotionally. Not that they can't do both, but from the way it sounds she is definitely "cheating" emotionally, whether she is honest with herself or not. I would have a serious discussion about how you feel with her, what she is going to do about it, and if she doesn't change or make a serious compromise, I would suggest you leave her.


            • Sounds like the "fun" is missing in her life and as WC said, the addiction of "needing" has taken over and so she goes back and forth, off course this guy, as all guys thinks he's in does he not? I mean till midnight for a week, he has to be, surely.

              You need to re-avaluate your relationship, it sounds like you've settled into domestic life and she's still a batchelorette and neither one of you are actually happy.

              I would be stating to her, your not happy in this relationship anymore, things are missing and neither am I so what are we going to do about it?

              Don't stay on the account of children, your not married to start with and secondly your young I assume and don't need to waste your life, in a loveless relationship, if you can work it out and be friends? You will always be able to say hi to those children.

              We have one life and one life only, as whom we are.

              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


              • It's excessive and you have every right to feel upset about this increasingly troublesome behavior. Does she ever speak to this person on the phone or only text? I mean I like text over talking on the phone personally just because its easier to respond at leisure than it is to be glued to the phone... but if she is texting that much she is glueing herself to the phone anyway so why don't they just call each other?

                Texting in itself, is like a secretive practice sometimes - so its rude to do it for hours on end in front of someone else since its so exclusionary and you don't even get to eavesdrop to know just how silly or tame the things they are talking about are (or how serious and intense).

                I think because you've never interviened much with her having guy friends she has taken it a little too far now. Instead of her appreciating you giving her that room to make friends and persue other interests and convos with other people and trying to keep it fair she is taking it as far as she can go.

                Obviously its what she wants to do though, and the thing is you can't stop someone from doing something they really want to do. It will just cause resentment, secrets and lies. You have to decide for yourself if this is just a phase or if it is a new trend and something you are going to have to learn to live with.

                I would try to understand what it is they talk about so much without seeming like you are putting her on trial. Be light about it... Like oh how is so and so today, as she is plugging away on her little phone keys. Maybe take an interest in this other person so that she can open up to you about them and perhaps put your mind at ease as to what kind of friendship they actually have.
                Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.


                • I want to thank everyone for your incites. It has actually helped allot. Anymore would still be helpful but thank you very much.


                  • you are right to be concerned, it is obsessive behaviour. i think you need to have a long talk with your partner and confront her, but a warning it wont be pretty. she will rant and rave and lie and all the rest of it. but it is unacceptable and she needs to be aware of that.


                    • Well after allot of talking and some fighting we are going to give it a try without distractions. Here is my new dilemma. I need some fresh ideas for quality time that we can do at home after kids are in bed and such. I need new things to try and get that connection that we used to have back. The only things i can come up with are the same things we used to do and while those will probably work it would be nice to do something different


                      • Giving each other back massages (not necessarily sensual ones unless you are in that mood) is a good way to communicate about your day, relax and be close and feel good all at the same time.

                        If you like video games, board games, cards, something you can be competitive about that will encourage and renew some playfulness and teamwork.

                        Depending on the ages of your kids/access to sitters etc.. going for a nice walk in the evening- a way to get some fresh air, clear your heads and talk with no distractions and just enjoy the weather and each others company.

                        Get hooked on a new tv series together, or have a movie night based on different themes.

                        Cook a meal together, again teamwork, being playful and doing something productive at the same time.

                        If there is something you both want to learn, ballroom dancing, yoga, etc.. take a class together - if you can't get out of the house pick an instructional dvd or books on something you want to learn and do it together.

                        Plant a garden, build something together.
                        Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.


                        • I am so sorry to hear that. Another member and I were talking about a similar dilemma. We both feel that men and women can't be friends without the other being attracted to them. She asked me when responding to my questions about whether or not I should worry about my boyfriend having so many friends who are women, Have you ever met her friends? Have you ever gone out with her and her friends? Is this a group thing when she goes out, or does she just go out with the guy?[/QUOTE]

                          My question to you is, do you still love her?
                          Because it sounds like you don't. You stated that if it weren't for the kids you would leave. It almost sound like you have completely given up on her. I remember my boyfriend and I use to talk about getting married and so forth and after I ended up pregnant seems like marriage just went out the window and he began to say that he couldn't get married right now now isn't the time, but before that he was saying how he would love to get married (but even then he did say, but he couldn't take care of me like he would like to) The thing is, he never mentions it anymore.

                          Anyway, I have gone off on a tangent. Investigate the matter. Find out who she is hanging out with and when. She may say that she is going out with friends but is she really. That could be an excuse for her to go hang out with him, or she could be out with her friends but then she may isolate herself with that one guy. Since you can check online about how often she text and so forth, why don't you take it a step further and find out what she and this man are texting back and forth, this will also solve your problem. Just don't get caught. I checked my man's cell but got caught. Considering that she is becoming defensive (the way you describe it) there may be more going on.
                          My aunt always told me, "when a partner is getting defensive about questions being asked, that's when you need to worry?



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