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The one you never get over..

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  • The one you never get over..

    I need some advice and I'm trying to figure out how to make a long story short. I am 20 years old and have been out of high school for 3 years. During my sophomore year of high school I met a guy who is a year younger than me and since we've met things have been very on and off with us. All during high school we pretty much dated only each other and we had the best times together, we were nerdy together, we didn't fight and being with him was so easy. When I graduated things changed I was leaving and he was staying so things ended and he started dating someone else and so did I. We were both in these relationships for about 2 years and our relationships ended right around the same time. During those 2 years we would see each other once in a while and talk once in a while and I still felt really connected to him. I think I should also mention that during the course of his 2 year relationship he got his girlfriend pregnant and he now has a 2 year old son.

    We both got out of our relationships last June and within a month or 2 of those break ups we were nearly inseperable. We talked constantly and to me if felt like we were in a relationship together so after 4 months of not knowing exactly where things stood I finally just came out and asked him what was going on between us. He said he really did care about me, but that he didn't want to rush into a relationship and that between his full-time job and taking care of his son he was worried about not being able to fully commit to a serious relationship and give me what I deserved. I was a little sad, but I understood I would never expect him to put me above his son. Things carried on like this until last December. December had been a really great month for us, I really felt like he was ready to commit and I'm friends with his best friends and they thought so as well until he through as all for a loop and ended up getting back together with his baby mama.

    I was absolutely crushed, when I finally got him to talk to me about it he was just plain mean and told me that we couldn't talk anymore because he wanted to really try and make things work with girlfriend. As angry as I was I told him good luck and walked away, but I thought about him constantly, I tried to date other guys, I kept myself busy, didn't help because in the back of my mind I was waiting for the day when things with him and his ex would be over, which everyone was counting on they just weren't right for each other. One random day I got a text from him and he told me how unhappy he was and he was sorry for the things he said and did and that he was just trying to be a good dad and give his son a happy family, but that he realized he wasn't handling it right and that he missed me and though about me constantly and that he was leaving his girlfriend...and 4 days later he did leave her.

    I was really happy but I didn't want to scare him away by trying to rush a relationship on him or anything so I chilled out to see what he would do, and a day after their split he invited me over to watch a movie and for 2 weeks following that i was staying at his house almost every night at his request. And then one night I went to his house just to say hi for a few minutes and he asked what I was doing the rest of the night and since it was St. Pattys day I told him I was going to a friends party for a little a bit, and he was just really quite so I left. We didn't talk much the next couple of days and out of no where he said "this is like out first fight" which I didn't realize we were fighting and he never bothered to explain what he meant, and through the course of the next month we talked less and less until the last 2 weeks I've been hearing a lot from him and we've hung out and he says he misses me, and his friends ask why we don't just wake up and realize we should be together.

    And I don't know what to tell them. I'm normally good at reading people, but I never know exactly what hes thinking. My family thinks hes scared to be in a relationship, but I don't know. I just wish I could figure out if he see relationship potential with me or if he thinks we're just friends, so that I can try to move on once and for all. I worry though that if we never really give it shot, I'll be wondering for the rest of my life, what if?

    Sorry I know this was long, I'm not good at making stories short. Any thoughts on the situation?

  • His child is his priority, other wise he wouldn't have gone back and given the relationship with the Mother of his baby, another go.

    You are his childhood sweetheart and so, that is definately hard to also let go of.

    Commitment may be difficult for him, but he can't keep jumping on you and saying nice things when the chips are down, can he.

    Do you really want someone, whereby you can feel, a tug, kind of like, "go away, come back, go away, come back"... on-going so you get totally confused? As, you are now?

    He couldn't have possibly fallen in love with this other girl back then because you say that was around 2 years ago, and he now has a 2 year old son... suggesting she fell pregnant straight away.

    Moving, does create break ups, it's very difficult to hold a long distance relationship, one partner gives up, unless they are both fighters and willing, and know... not always the case.

    I think you should use the old saying, "if you love someone, set them free, if they come back to you they're yours, if they don't they never were".

    Stand firm and move on...

    If it is you he "realises" that he has loved all this time and loves, let him fight for you, not come in and out of your life, confusing you.



    • I think CW has hit the nail on the head. You've been his back up and he doesn't sound like he's sure what he really wants. The baby must have been unplanned and certainly changed things. You'll never know what might have happened if the gf hadn't gotten pregnant right off.

      You could really have something, but he needs to get his head clear first. Let him know how you feel without making any demands and then tell him you think you both need some time. I wonder about the 'first fight' thing though. It doesn't sound like he's a very good communicator. What was that all about? You have to be able to talk if it's going to work. You can't spend your life having non-fight fights that you don't know about!

      Back off a bit and give it time. Can you be friends first for a while and see how you feel?


      • CW-

        I thought I was letting him go when he went back to his sons mother, and he did come back to me, like the old saying, but its never anything solid. There is no long-distance thing now we are both in the same small town that we both grew up in...And I know I should walk away from someone who can't make up his mind, because if he really truly cared, wouldn't it be an easy choice for him to make? Walking away from someone you care about is hard, its easier when they've actually hurt you, but he has never intentionally hurt me...so how to walk away from a great guy?


        You are absolutely right, he isn't a great communicator. A few people have told me to tell him I feel, not to demand anything, just so hes clear on where I stand...but I'm terrified of rejection. The last relationship I was in, wasn't a good one and the guy played my emotions a lot and I was emotionally abused and he kind of broke my confidence and I haven't been able to get it back. I'm fine with just being friends for now, but he tends to blur the lines, with buying me gifts and asking me to stay the night with him, and thats when it gets confusing, because I don't know a lot of male/female friendships that work like that...


        • Hey sweet...

          You definately did do the right thing...

          He came back, left, and is still up in the air though.

          That's why I wrote " if you love someone set them free" totally.

          Because, it's only when your gone totally, that they realise what they have truly missed, at present, he is aware, he can, come back to you...

          See the difference?

          I would hassed at a guess, the comment about " our first first" mean't that you weren't there, you left went out... he experienced what it would be like if you weren't there.

          Call it gut feeling....



          • CW-

            What you said really made sense...if he knows I'm leaving the door open for him, he is going to keep coming and going as he pleases is what your saying right?

            So how would you suggest I move on from him completely? Do I ignore his calls and text? We live in a ridiculously small town so its really easy to run into one another, do I ignore him when i see him? This is where I'm at a loss, because I don't want him to think I hate him, which I feel like ignoring him might do...


            • Well it sort of made sense, except for the "first first" which i mean't "first fight" haha.

              Yes that is what I am saying and i pretty well know this for a fact, within my own life, i cut them off, that's it... work it out.. .and they can't help themselves but to try and try, generally once it's over for me, it's over, i am a giver, so i will give till the end.

              But, also through this Forum, over the past 12 months or more, i have spent months with ladies, and at the end, after doing this, they then had to make the decision because, the guy wouldn't let up.

              I guess, it's not rocket science, but only some have the guts to do it... most women fail because they fear that the guy will never, ever, show himself again.

              Guess, I also believe in the Universe.

              What will be will be.

              I see your point with your question.

              I am way straight forward...... So, i am going to agree with what WC, said about communication because that to me is the biggest key of any relationship, ...

              So tell him,

              "Sometimes I think you are the love of my life", who knows.... But, at this point in time I have to say to you I am not a fish, you can't reel me in and then send me back out, then reel me back in again", (haha), no seriously.

              I am going to get on with my life... you need to decide if it is me you want, or if you are confused, therefore, take your time, if it's meant to be it will be, but at this point, i am moving on....

              Along those lines....

              And, mean it.... Go out and date, even if you don't really want to chances are he will see you with someone, and not like it.

              You need to also concentrate on "you"...

              I guess once you feel that you are confused over someone, you spend all your time thinking of them, instead of you..

              There unfortunately, is only one person to look after in this life, "you", until someone enters your life and becomes a part of it totally and you know so, then you can look after both, but not until.

              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


              • Absolutely get on with your life. What do you want to do? Study, learn? Travel? Build a career? Do it! Don't be afraid of rejection. You don't really have him in your life right now, it's not a matter of losing anything really. But you could gain clarity and honesty - a true answer?
                Wouldn't it be better to know what is really going on? Regardless get on with your life, no waiting on a man. He has things that he has to deal with and until he does he's not available anyway.



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