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Numerous One Night Stands

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  • Numerous One Night Stands

    I'm really curious as to the answers I could receive on this one.

    I'm currently seeing a guy who's twenty one and has had what appears to be one serious commitment in his life: a relationship that lasted two years. There was no sex in this relationship. It ended from constant bickering that couples seem to get absorbed in after an extended period of spending time together as well as boredom. Since they've broken up a few years ago, he has had numerous one night stands at school and nothing more.

    His friend is similar. Same age, had a one year relationship his first year of school where the woman was cheating on him for an extended period of time. He has had seven one night stands since her and nothing more.

    My question would be why do men do this? This seems so common nowadays. Why is sex a numbers game and they don't desire any emtional attachment, even if they admit it makes them feel empty sometimes? Are they hurting from their past even though it seems as though in guy number one's case, the hurt was mutual? Do they just not care anymore because they had an unsuccessful past? Are they scared of commitment?
    In the end, the king and the pawn both go into the same box.

  • They do seem to have trouble letting go. May have decided to just be users. It may just be because they can.

    Comment


    • npr did a good story on this last week. I think it's a new generational thing, with both men and women. I think people are a bit more comfortable with saying that they like their freedom while they are young...but still want to have sex once in a while.

      As long as both parties know what they are getting into and are ok with it. It's not hurting anyone and I don't see the problem with it.

      Comment


      • Because, their first love, they gave.

        Their first love they got burnt.

        They don't believe that someone will be honest, trustworthy and so they go for "sex" only, boys talk , his mate talked to your guy about the cheating.

        He's only 21.

        You are going to have to take him "softly, softly" through this one, so he can see, it was "that woman" not women.....

        Take time with this.

        CW
        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

        Comment


        • I went from thinking sex was something special in my teenager years to thinking it was just plain old sex in my twenties. Now in my thirties I find myself thinking its special once again. I guess its whatever you want it to be.. if you want it to have meaning then you give it meaning.
          When I saw the break of day
          I wished that I could fly away
          Instead of kneeling in the sand
          Catching teardrops in my hand

          Comment


          • He's not into the relationship right now. He hasn't found someone that he really wanted. Or maybe even doesn't know what he wants. These guys just want to get off...which is risky. If they are not careful, they might contract VDs.

            Comment


            • Since you asked, I'll add the male point of view.

              Ren_07, the two guys you gave as an example are basically in the "once bitten, twice shy" category. They are over-reacting to the prior relationship fail. So now, they want things on their terms and on a very limited basis -- a disposable relationship -- good for one night only. It doesn't mean they don't want commitment, they just haven't worked through their prior issues. These guys will eventually want more as they mature and also find those great relationship-oriented women who simply don't do one night stands.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by baja View Post
                Since you asked, I'll add the male point of view.

                Ren_07, the two guys you gave as an example are basically in the "once bitten, twice shy" category. They are over-reacting to the prior relationship fail. So now, they want things on their terms and on a very limited basis -- a disposable relationship -- good for one night only. It doesn't mean they don't want commitment, they just haven't worked through their prior issues. These guys will eventually want more as they mature and also find those great relationship-oriented women who simply don't do one night stands.

                Good point, baja...it is very true (though I'm a female). These guys will reach a certain level of maturity that they'd want the real thing, and sometime along their journey, they will meet their match. The question is when...

                I think, this will occur once they realize their need to re-focus their priorities and lean on self-improvement and change. Once they get there, the rest will be growth. It has been great watching this event - I've seen one!

                Comment


                • I do appreciate the male opinion. It was very insightful, as were the others.

                  I am seeing the first guy. We've been "together" since mid april or so. It's kind of frustrating, because we act in every manner as a committed couple would. I've met all his family and friends and he's met mine. We see each other sometimes 2 to 4 times a week, whether it be only for a little or for awhile, whether we have sex or just chill without it.

                  He's slowly opening up to me more and more but I can feel him keeping me at arm's length. And I believe it's from being hurt but I'm not positive. We've talked recently about the relationship and he doesn't want to be a "boyfriend" but he wants us to be exclusive to each other. It's so odd.
                  In the end, the king and the pawn both go into the same box.

                  Comment


                  • Apparently, you are IN a relationship. He IS a boyfriend - just scared of the "label" and demands that the label goes with. I can tell that you care for this guy, but since he's keeping you at arms length, I advise you to do the same for now. He seems to have the feelings for you, just scared to really take the risk once more. He was burnt and so were you before. Until he understands that love is all about playing risks, he will not be in it.

                    If you are patient enough, just wait. Watch the relationship grow if you can. Since you are more capable in "guiding" the relationship for the moment, be generous and more supportive. Just be guarded though that you are not co-dependent. I have been in such situation. We had a break for a month to re-evaluate ourselves and determine how each other fits one's life. When we got back, we became serious. Now, we still are. But it didn't happen overnight. Good luck.

                    Comment


                    • Thank you caterpiller. I agree, we ARE in a relationship. He has tried to claim that we are still single when he gets flustered but I am quick to point out that single people aren't exclusive like us and it would definitely NOT be ok for the other to fool around. And he agreed.

                      The relationship grows everytime we're together. We've come along way from the instant connection we felt in April. And he was so different from other guys who have been pressuring me for sex more than a relationship. He took me out on dates and stuff before any physical intimacy was there and he wanted it to be slow.

                      I will be as patient as I can, but there's always a certain point where you go, "This is foolish." Usually when you meet someone else I guess. This is also difficult for me because I've never had sex with any kind of attachment or relationship, just bootycalls. I lost my virginity on a guy's bedroom floor because he was horny and I was vulnerable.
                      So this current boy has a lot of potential to do some damage.

                      I'm doing my best to resist falling or anything as you've said. Again that can only last for so long, but it can't go very deep if he's not reciprocating I suppose. I don't want to have to separate myself from him for so long to evaluate us like you had to, I went through a lot of that this past year with my ex of three years and it ended in disaster. I guess we all get burnt sometimes and need to just take that risk. It's worth it to me.
                      In the end, the king and the pawn both go into the same box.

                      Comment


                      • Well, it is not easy. Honestly, I didn't see us coming a long way like we have now. We didn't see us being back together as a couple. When we got back, we were friends - very open and very supportive of each other. We even called each other bro/sis. Funny, isn't it?

                        Back then, I kept reminding myself that I will keep my guard. I did to some extent, but I was devastated when we parted. On his end, he didn't expect that the impact would be that much as well. He had to take two days or a day off from work (I don't remember well...) to mourn and "gather" himself together. I had to do the same.

                        He drank more and more...I stayed distant with people. Finally, we broke the silence and decided that hey, we can grow together...what the heck are we doing? And the rest is history...It was long...I didn't wait really. I just let time do its course. We both went into counseling. It made a difference, it hastened our healing.

                        As for you, you don't have to wait. Just enjoy the moment and grow. Watch yourselves grow together...it is fun. It will be easier on your end because you both were acquainted with each other's family - more support! In order for you to keep balanced, have your ME time regularly. Don't let your world revolve around him. You are you, and you choose to be happy everyday. He just adds to your happiness, he is not your eveything.

                        The fact that he's taking it slow with you is a very positive sign. He is almost ready for the real thing. He is on the right track. I've seen that with my BF. I am the first GF he's had this long, and serious...the first to be introduced to the family, and I felt priviledged.

                        When you keep growing together, it is a good sign that you are with the right person.

                        Comment


                        • There could be many problems here. Most of which are psychological. Because of his past, a "relationship" has become an anchor to pain and distrust. Which is the reason why he rejects it but still keeps you interested by spending time with you. Its his way to have his cake and eat it too.

                          Men are very simple creature believe it or not. All you have to do is make it so that being in a relationship is what will make him happy while not will make him miserable. You also have to do this in a way that makes it his idea so he doesn't reject it. (Cunning isn't it )

                          Before I go into this, you have to know that this will only make him want to be in a relationship with you. Men like this are typically insecure and will become very jealous the more and more you get to know them. Just be aware once he starts getting upset at you for not calling at certain times or keeping in touch. Or using your time together as a punishment reward system....

                          On to the convincing:

                          What you have to do is pretty much re frame the situation. Before you do this you have to know what a BOYFRIEND means to him.
                          • You have to find his positive views on what a boyfriend is! Make it so he is already experiencing it with you. Its what makes him happy. Use events you've experienced together so he cant reject it
                          • You have to find what his negative views on what a boyfriend is. Convince him that, its what he experiences with other people but not with you. Then reinforce the positive traits with you.
                          You'll know your doing it right because he will agree with you more and more... To the point where he just says "YOUR RIGHT"

                          You have to use FACTS and EXAMPLES to convince any man anything.

                          Here is an example.

                          HIM: I dont want to be a boyfriend!
                          You:

                          #1 What does a boyfriend mean to you?

                          #2What does a being a boyfriend allow you to experience? The positives and the negatives... Then relate your time together to the positives while his time alone to the negatives.

                          #3There are no single people out there. A relationship isn’t a thing it is a process and because we are enjoying the way we are relating when we are together it can last into a secure relationship that has more meaning on all levels. Right? We have fun when we are together right? See being a boyfriend is not just a label, instead its a mindset.

                          Then just repeat.

                          Hope this helps

                          Live laugh and love
                          Nice guys don't finish last, weak guys finish last.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by ren_07 View Post
                            Since they've broken up a few years ago, he has had numerous one night stands at school and nothing more.


                            Also might like to point out that he may fear of being a boyfriend or of keeping you interested. Which may explain the O.N.S or keeping you at bay. Some men cant handle the thought of not keeping a women interested or being boring to the point where the women has to look elsewhere..

                            A mans ego is just as important as his PENIS! We all know how fascinated men are with there members! OR if you dont you should!

                            The ONS is a way to get that emotional satisfaction that comes from being with a women but makes the mans ego safe from thinking that she only has one night of happiness therefore "She'll never know that IM not that interesting"

                            Pay attention to his fears and his objections when your talking about it.

                            Live laugh and love



                            Nice guys don't finish last, weak guys finish last.

                            Comment


                            • Haha I'm glad you responded to this. You're very insightful. The only issue I see is that we really have only had this whole "commitment" or whatever talk once yesterday. While he was drunk and arguing with me for being upset over his friend hitting on me, he made the comment that we're both single as ever so it shouldn't matter and that he's sorry. And I said whatever and he said "did you feel like there was a connection between us?" and I said "yes.." and he goes "Me too. A little."

                              I KNOW HE FEELS IT HE'S JUST SO SCARED AND FOR WHATEVER REASON SUPPRESSES IT!!!

                              I guess I really do need to try getting to know what he feels is negative about relationships and then taking the opposite spin, but that'll be hard to do without being blunt. Coyness will take practice. As far as I know, he already hates it when a girl is not exclusive to him and causes him jealousy issues. Should I be trying to prove to him that I want to be exclusive and see no one else? I don't want to give up my guy social life if he isn't giving up his girls though. That's controlling.

                              Thank you again though, I really appreciate it
                              In the end, the king and the pawn both go into the same box.

                              Comment

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