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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

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  • Should I Stay or Should I Go?

    Hey everyone,

    So here's where I am in my relationship. I've been dating my boyfriend for two years, we're both nearly out of college. He goes to college and works year-round four hours away from where I go to school and work. We've been in this long-distance relationship for the entire two years of dating, making it work by calling each other for at least 15 minutes every night and seeing each other every other weekend or so. Not once during our relationship has he complained, or expressed doubts.

    Except once. Last February I was afraid that I would be forced to move even more far away from him than I am now. We would go from being four hours apart to twelve. His response to me telling him of this news was, "We'll see [what happens]." It sounded foreboding.

    In a (horrible?) coincidence, the same month, the girl he dated before me (their relationship lasted one month) became single again, and they started talking. He did this in secrecy, so that I would not know. According to his friends, this is the one girl who really broke his heart. Let it also be said that my boyfriend has always been the one to be dumped; I don't know if it's because he's unlucky or he doesn't care/is too lazy. I don't know why that is.

    Anyhow, when I found out he was secretly talking to her and deleting messages from on his social networking accounts so that I wouldn't see them (to my knowledge, it was only slightly flirtacious conversations online), I didn't react. I thought maybe he was just deleting them so that I wouldn't get jealous, or something stupid. I didn't think twice about it.

    But a month later, I broke up with him because he seemed emotionally distant, and the literal four hours of distance between us was making the relationship emotionally unbearable.

    We got back together a week later, after MUCH talking and thinking through things. The next day he deleted online messages from another girl, one of his former co-workers who happens to be a model. At this point, I thought the right thing to do was to ask if there was something more to his pattern of deleting messages from other girls, so I VERY casually brought it up in an non-accusing way, "Should I be concerned that you've been deleting comments online from these two girls?"

    Immediately his tone was anxious, extremely apologetic, and he kept saying he was sorry and that he made a mistake, and that he thought I should be more angry with him. He never explained what that meant, but I've been unable to get it out of my mind for the past few months.

    Now it's July, and he's working again. I don't have to move far away, but as much as I've tried trusting him again, I feel like I'm always the one who worries about our future. Are we too young to be this serious (both 21)? Does he want to be with someone else? He says there is no one else he'd rather be with. He tells me he loves me ALL the time. Too much, possibly... to the point where that's about 25% of what he says to me. Who's he trying to convince, me or himself?

    Beyond that, he seems moderately interested in being with me. He says "we" and "our" when talking about our future together. And when I asked him to, he talked to his ex (the one he secretly talked to before) about how he was not planning on leaving me, and that her suddenly getting in touch with him again once she was single made him question her intentions. He was very hesitant to talk to her about it, but he did do it... although he was apologizing all over the place and kept calling himself a "moron" and that he was "probably being an egotistical jerk" in the message. So...

    Anyway, I guess I'm just asking for your opinions on my relationship. I'm worried my boyfriend is just going with the motions, or isn't sure he's found "the one." Can I justify this long distance relationship? He says that he's happy being in this relationship, so there's no reason to break up. Me personally, I feel sexually unsatisfied (he's never been able to please me), and I'm worried I'm putting too much of my time into this guy who might not be worth it in the long run. For the record, I ALWAYS make the time to please him sexually, nomatter how tired I am. We don't see each other often so I think it's important... although I'm rarely aroused when doing it, I do it to show him that I love him.

    What do you guys think?

  • I don't think your matched. I don't think you love him, because you don't go weak at the knees when you see him, rather, you do things to "please" him sexually, when it's really a chore.

    Why be in a relationship in that circumstance?

    I think that long distance is very hard. There are times when you need someone emotionally and they are not there, times when you really want romance but you can't as they are not there.

    So, he may be missing something as well, hense talks to other females... He only sees you every fortnight and that's not all the time either.

    He's young, your young...

    I think you have feelings for each other but I question if you love him, I think your trying to talk yourself out of the relationship personally.



    • Thank you for your honest opinion. I guess my only difference in opinion is that to me, "love" is not so much a feeling than it is a commitment to each other nomatter what, loyalty nomatter what. I've never been with a partner where the "weak knees" feeling has lasted more than a few weeks. But you're right, he doesn't have that affect on me too often anymore.

      I've never been sexually attracted to a man. Ever. At least not real men I've known or even dated. It's very hard for me to enjoy sex, but I always try new things and put my all into it...

      I do wonder if he feels something is missing... in the same way that I do. Something definitely is missing for me.

      Thanks again for the help!


      • Aweee that's sad...

        Most definately if someone says "your my girlfriend/boyfriend" then there is a commitment.

        You can "love" someone and not be "in-love with them", I think to be in-love, it's time, time being together, feeling, seeing, laughing, knowing more and more about that person inside, not idiol chat, rather, deep conversations and connections.

        Maybe you haven't "connected" with someone yet in the way that it happens, we don't connect to every relationship, sometimes even people "settle" because they want emotional attachment and companionship but they have a love, but they are not in-love.

        Relationships are certainly "work".. But, you need to be attracted and remain attracted to the person, therefore, you see them in a sexual light as well, through love.

        Maybe your just on a ride, but I still don't think you love this person, rather the commitment and being in a relationship.

        That love will happen with the right person as well as "longer" going weak at the knees.

        He may very well feel the same way sweet, that you are just "doing" and not really in the mood to do, I am sure that people can feel reactions.

        Only you can decide the depth of your feelings but if they are commitment based, relationship based but you don't get excited to see him, want to kiss him.. It's more of a commitment, it's a relationship and so you just do.. Then have a good think if it's what you really want.



        • Wow, that was incredibly insightful. Thank you so much for your time! I have a lot to think about.


          • confusion confusion ey?

            Well. i gotta say.......... at first as I was reading your story you sounded like the regular gf, who was naturally worried about her long distance realtionship.......and none of the actions your pursued were wrong.......
            i kept reading........ still.... you sounded like the worried gf.........and then BAM............" He Has Never Satisfied me Sexually"..............
            didnt sound too worried anymore........ that sounded more like an out-cry.....
            and truth be told...... SEX IS A VERY IMPORTANT FACTOR IN AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP....period no matter what anyone says... its a fact.....
            and even though you seemed very eager at first about your future with this man... it quickly went from 'is this man worth it, am i the one for him"....... to ........." can i really be with a man forever who cant sexually satisfy me"........

            you see where im going with this.?
            Its not gonna work..........and your contradicting yourself on a few points.

            Have you attempted to talk with him about not satisfying you? Because if not..... you truly have no reason to complain......It's like giving a kid a shirt to put on but its inside out, and you never tell them....... they'll walk around in that inside out shirt all day long thinking their the Sh****, not knowing anything is wrong because they dont know any better.
            They wont know until you teach them...... train them.........and make them perfect for YOU. but unless you've done that or at least for your situation talked to him about the sex.........there's no reason to complain.

            You're both very young. as far as talking about committed relationships and talking about a future........

            you're not a even a solid person at 21 yet........you still have much to grow, realize, learn, understand ...... not only about the world... but about yourselves.........
            and if BOTH of you dont understand that yet.....nore have the understanding that its TEAM EFFORT....... you as a couple will get no where..... so if you want to be "grown" and make "big boy" decisions like marrige and long term stuff...... you have to make the adult decisions to communicate with your partner in the deepest degree........and learn about eachother the way you would never with anyone else..........
            and if you're not ready for that........... you're not IT for eachother........

            so in closing........u got a lot of work to do..........plan it out carefully and make the right decisions.......



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