[LanaBear]

I know a man, who has been happily married for many years, who has an interesting but effective attitude. He says that when he committed to his wife he freed himself from looking and wondering if it would be better with anyone else.

Hmm - I like that. I hadn't thought about it like that before.

[caterpillar79]

Thinking that the grass may be greener at the other side of the fence could worsen into emotional infidelity. That's what comes to mind.

[rcoreyus]

Hm, I sometimes wonder if people would learn a lot by swapping lives. Not just having sex with someone else, but living the part of the other person's SO. Find out what it is really like to live with that person.

There are all sorts of reasons this can't work in reality but it is an interesting thought.

[WildChild]

Hm, I sometimes wonder if people would learn a lot by swapping lives. Not just having sex with someone else, but living the part of the other person's SO. Find out what it is really like to live with that person.

There are all sorts of reasons this can't work in reality but it is an interesting thought.

And has been the subject of many rather silly movies.
It might help us gain some perspective but since what really matters is how you respond to event, you still might not know what makes them tick.

[Texasred]

I know a man, who has been happily married for many years, who has an interesting but effective attitude. He says that when he committed to his wife he freed himself from looking and wondering if it would be better with anyone else. This thinking is that there is no one else - your partner is IT. You communicate, you work at it and you make it work. This seems to do it - IF both are committed to that thinking.

I used to feel that way.
But sometimes you're in a relationship that just seems to be going downhill, not fast, but inexorably, and no amount of "talking about it" or "making time for one another" seems to do any good, not unless BOTH parties want to work at it.
It's like being in a leaky boat, and only one of you is bailing.

Could it be mood swings from menopause? Who knows.
But I know I've begun to raise my head up and look around...

[kygirl]

I used to feel that way.
But sometimes you're in a relationship that just seems to be going downhill, not fast, but inexorably, and no amount of "talking about it" or "making time for one another" seems to do any good, not unless BOTH parties want to work at it.
It's like being in a leaky boat, and only one of you is bailing.

Okay as someone who has cheated in the past and is not proud of it, let me say that when you lose focus, it is easy to think the grass is greener. You have to make a decision that you are going to make this work, or you are getting out. You should talk to your SO before you make that decision. THEN and only then, do you even worry about the grass on the other side of the fence.

Everything is sparkly when it's new. Over time, it's easy to forget why you care about the other person so much, but it's up to you to realize it and try to make it better if you truly want it to work. Don't let yourself wander too close to the fence before you really think it over.

Best of luck to you!!

[caterpillar79]

I know emotions change, and all other factors add on to this. Once that spark start to fade, it is more of a decision to stay put and work it out. Love is not merely an emotion, it is coupled with the decision to stay loving, caring and loyal to your significant other.

[kms]

I think if you're starting to wonder what it's like to be with someone else, you should really take the time to figure out exactly what it is that you like about them. If it's something like attraction, then that will fade over time and shouldn't be taken seriously. But if it's a quality that is important to you (like honesty, integrity, the way they treat you and interact with you), then you should check to see if that quality is present in your own relationship. It could be that there is something lacking in your current relationship and you're being tempted by someone else who has it. At that point you could go talk to your current partner about it to see if it's something that could be worked out. If not, you should determine exactly how important that quality is compared to the qualities that already exist in your current relationship. You wouldn't want to break up with your partner to go be with a guy who makes you laugh but at the same time never takes life seriously. Being with someone who will be there when you need it but who might not make you laugh as much is far more valuable.

The best way to conquer the desire to stray is knowledge (well, knowledge is the key to all things in life). You've got to understand yourself - what do you value in a relationship? Then you've got to determine exactly what is it that you are attracted to (and definitely be sure to note the things you don't like as much). Then you've got to analyze what the positives and negatives are in your current relationship. More than likely you'll realize what you have is great and the attraction you are feeling will quickly fade over time. Plus, don't forget that there are a lot of great people out there who you would probably get along great with. But what matters most is, despite that fact, you honor your commitment to be with your current partner, faults and all. Don't forget you've got plenty of faults too!

[Guest]

OK, so I'm feeling a bit low at the moment, as we all do from time to time I guess. I've been with my fella for over 10 years now and we're ok most of the time, although I feel we've sorta lost some of that zing we had years ago.

And...... there's a guy I get on famously well with at work. He compliments me, he makes me laugh, I find him attractive - and he's even been a good listener to when I have had problems.

So, I spend time every day wondering what it would be like if we ever did get together. Probably time wasted I know as I do really love my boyfriend. Does anyone else ever get these kind of thoughts, feelings and end up feeling guilty?

people will always look, but having thoughts like that only happen when something is missing. be it emotional, sexual, intellectual, conversational.

what are you missing?

[caterpillar79]

I beg to disagree to some extent that the reason for such is that you're missing something. I know of some people who are missing something in their married life, yet decide to stay faithful and loyal to their spouses. For me, it has a lot to do with the love you have for your spouse - even if you are literally missing on something, i.e. sex. It is more of a firm decision that no matter what, you have committed yourself to that person.