[caterpillar79]

Listing pros and cons really helps - do that. You want to be more comprehensive? Go ahead, i do that too.

He was in the Army. I have a theory he needs some counseling. Did he ever go to a hostile region while in the service? I am trying to rule out PTSD here obviously. I am trying to see if his putting you down, his shutting himself, not talking for 2 days among others are qualifiers for that. You don't have to have some sort of a head injury to have PTSD.

Does he shout at you? Does he easily get volatile and somehow self - righteous?

[SecretlySad]

Does he shout at you? Does he easily get volatile and somehow self - righteous?

He never saw any battles or action, it was basic training really.

Yes, he has yelled at me a few times... it has only happened once or twice but if he gets really mad he will come right up to my face and point his finger in my face and yell. Last time it happened he told me to "show some respect". It was over something I had asked him not to say countless amounts of times (to do with PMS). I had never shown great anger about it even though I always hated it, but finally he pushed me too far and I lost my temper and called him a pig... he stormed off, I went after him and that's when he blasted me. "Don't you ever (edit) call me a pig" he said, then the respect thing. I had never been made to feel like I was younger in our relationship until that point. I felt like a child being chastised by her father. I will admit I was terrified. Not worried that he would hit me or anything, he never would, but I just froze.

That one moment in our relationship has also affected me deeply. I remember getting up on my own that night and just burying my face in a pillow and crying.

[caterpillar79]

Well, both of you are at fault here. You should both recognize the fact that disagreements and conflicts happen in a relationship. But once calling out names and shouting, and pointing fingers are a trend, I would ask myself what is wrong here.

[SecretlySad]

Yes I am aware I shouldn't have said that... I think I said you are being pigheaded or something, anyway it's all the same, it doesn't matter.

He just got me so angry because I had tried to go the right way about it, I asked him SO many times (politely) please not to say it, told him that it upset me, yet he still continued with it. I didn't know what else to do and I just lost it one day.

Whoops sorry CW I didn't know there was no swearing..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My take.

Firstly, Cat's question was very good and your right, you came here with "Age difference has become an issue for me after 5 years" and there is definately more than meets the eye here.

Whilst i agree, calling a name to someone isn't the best thing, it's a name, it's not like you said something so hurtful that can't be taken back, ie) something about his Mother, or the likes.

His reaction was "emotional abuse", again making you cower into a corner somewhere in shock, in fear.

He swore, (edited) sorry can't use ** to get around a work like that on this site. And really frightened you.

This, does come from "commands" to which is something I pointed out before to you, I will do what I want, don't like it leave, it's you not me, then the swear word and a finger pointed close, intimidation to which you stated "intimidated".

It's NOT on.

It's NOT healthy.

He needs councelling over the years in the Army. He won't be told or even coaxed, he makes the rules.

Yes, listing pros and cons is definately a good thing.. but be objective.

Today you have come along way in what you thought was the problem to opening up and actually VOICING the real PROBLEMS...

Well done, you should feel very proud of yourself.

And, asking questions provokes us to "provide an opinion" or "ask you questions" and as a result all sorts of things come out don't they.

This is what he needs to do as well.

Your not his punching bag ( doesn't have to be physical), for things that he hasn't liked in his life.

CW

[SecretlySad]

His reaction was "emotional abuse", again making you cower into a corner somewhere in shock, in fear.

I actually spoke to him about how this made me feel... he basically told me it is something I am going to have to overcome, and that he wouldn't have reacted the way he did if I hadn't called him a name. I still don't know what is wrong or right here...

Today you have come along way in what you thought was the problem to opening up and actually VOICING the real PROBLEMS...

Well done, you should feel very proud of yourself.

Thank you.

I think I have always known these things were there, but I am finally realising that maybe everything isn't my fault, and just because I see him as the perfect man, doesn't necessarily make him the man for me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know we can't help ourselves but reply to you

he basically told me it is something I am going to have to overcome, and that he wouldn't have reacted the way he did if I hadn't called him a name

As, I said. This something that "HE" has to deal with it's not you. Imagine the Army.. someone else in "control" of you, your life, how you sleep, eat, what you can say, can't say to someone higher up. How you have to bite your lip, shut up, when you just want to vent.

So, he now "commands" it back and has probably since he left. So, he now hides in a room, to avoid speaking because he couldn't before, can't now.

He needs help.

So, no it's "NOT" your fault. Intimidation is what he had, and gave to you back.. It's "HIS" fault, he can not work in this world .. Courier driving is easy, you get in a car, you deliver a package, your given a job sheet, not orders, ..... he has no life.. no passions.

You can also do something else.

You can touch his inner soul and write something with the information you've gathered here... No doubt, someone really pressed his buttons back then. And, you can say, that you know his reactions are from the past but you are the present and he "needs to deal with it, or move on"....

Show the courage that is within you. If you feel that you want to try. Or, at worse, closure for yourself as he denies this too. In which case you've done everything.

CW

[SecretlySad]

Imagine the Army.. someone else in "control" of you, your life, how you sleep, eat, what you can say, can't say to someone higher up. How you have to bite your lip, shut up, when you just want to vent.

So, he now "commands" it back and has probably since he left. So, he now hides in a room, to avoid speaking because he couldn't before, can't now.

Wow. I had never thought about that before, thank you.

Is it bad though that I am putting the 99 good things to the side, and focusing on the 1 bad thing?? What does that say?

[caterpillar79]

It says, at first glance you are selfish.

But by looking deeper, you are opening a can of worms.
Now that you know some of the root causes, you are better equipped. think hard. Discuss this if possible. You might want to work on it first before finally walking out, to save you the trouble of regretting later.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Okay.

List your 99...

Off you go

Seriously I want you to.

Because the bad so far from what we have gathered are:-

1. Age
2. Non - communication
3. Intimidation
4. Controlling
5. Emotional blackmail of sorts.
6. Commands respect in an un-healthy way.
7. Non commital to your needs emotionally.

I am sure you can add to this too and I can if I go back so lets give it all a go, but start with this 99 bit madam