[SecretlySad]

My boyfriend is 17 years my senior - I am 27 and he is 44.

For most of our relationship this was never a problem, I never saw his age, only the person he is, but lately it has started to really bother me. It has nothing to do with our different interests or anything like that, and he certainly doesn't act his age (not in an immature way) but over the past few years I have seen groups of my friends getting married - all to people their/my age (give or take maybe 1 or 2 years in between), young couples at the same stage in life, starting their lives together. This has started to really upset me to the point where I dread receiving wedding invitations in the mail.

When we first started dating (I was 21, nearly 22), telling people his age was a huge novelty for me. It made me feel mature. But as the years have gone on that feeling has changed. I have realised that even though I truly do love him, maybe it would have been best if we had stayed friends. We have spoken about marriage and I have told him it is just not a big deal for me when in reality something about marrying him doesn't sit well with me.

I worry a lot about the future too. When I reach the age he is now, he will be ready for retirement. I don't wantto be working for nearly another 2 decades before joining my partner in retirement.
When I am finally of retirement age at 63, he will be 80. I know all of these things are a lifetime away, but we joked about it on the weekend and it kind of hit home with me. If we haven't had children by the time I am 33, he might be ok with being 60 years old at his child's 10th birthday party, but I am not ok with that. I know I should be but... I am just uncomfortable with it.

I only wish he was 15 or even 10 years younger! He is the perfect man. He treats me like a queen and still tells me he loves me every single day. He puts me first. He trusts me. He allows me all the freedom in the world. He supports me. He doesn't belittle me. He is my best friend. He wants nothing more out of life than to care for me and make me happy. I know I am never going to find a man as wonderful... but I can't shake this feeling and I don't know what to do.

How do you tell someone who you mean the absolute world to that you are having major, MAJOR issues over the one thing that they can't control or change?!! And why has this started to bother me now?!!

[WildChild]

You are at a time of change in your life and perhaps wanting more than you have? Or perhaps to go in another direction? Talk to him, he may well understand better than you think.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

When we see "change" happening around us, it changes us, our thought patterns.

If you only went out with him as it was a "novelty" then you weren't and aren't in love with him, but have grown and changed through this time period and are ready for the next step in your life.

However, if you went out with him because you fell in love with him then these things wouldn't be an issue, because love beats everything, it truly does.

Catherine Zeta Jones, - Michael Douglass, it's not an issue for them.. And, it's not an issue to their children, for their children.

It's more of how you feel for him and I'm guessing that your initual reason of going out with him has now worn off.

CW

[SecretlySad]

love beats everything, it truly does.

What about couples who love each other but one wants a family and the other doesn't? They break up all the time even though they're in love, right?

I don't know, I am so confused. Maybe at 21, 22, 23 I was infatuated with him and confused that with love, and now I don't know anymore?? All I know is that as much as I love being with him (and I DO love him, despite what anyone says/thinks) the future I see before me isn't something I like the looks of because of his/my age.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There is nothing wrong at all with what your feeling, it's fear, and it's natural. But what is it your frightened of the most? You say he doesn't "act" 44 so he won't "act" 60 either...

If you want children and he doesn't then hopefully that comes out at the beginning of a relationship and in usual cases, you have to end the relationship before it starts, if it comes out after ( and it does/has), then, you were lied to and as such, no one has the right to play on someone for years only to let them down later.

There is a difference with love.

And,

Being in love.

That's the point I am / was making.. If you are truly in love with him, love everything about him, couldn't imagine ever not being with him, ever, you are like 1 person not two, then nothing matters.

I love alot of people, but I couldn't live with them for the rest of my life

Follow your gut feeling, your intuition.

But, before you do, be honest and straight forward and find what it is that is bothering you the most and talk to him about it all openly...

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

I think in this crazy world, where love is hard to find, where finding someone that cares about you genuinly , truly and honestly is a rare strike of luck... letting it go over age concerns makes it hard for a person not to question if love was really there to begin with.

But then who knows the novelty feeling you had of him making you feel mature and secure may have been reciprocated with him having a novelty feeling of you making him feel youthful and virile, etc.

I just think with love, you shouldn't let worries of when your 80 and he's 100 worry you. Life is strange and you never know if he would be the one taking care of you rather than you him as you enter old age... etc.

But If your relationship isn't working, it isn't working and you should not stay if you are not happy, whatever the reason.

[rcoreyus]

Your concerns are real and valid - I wish more people would think about this before getting into long term relationships. At 27 and 44 there are still lots of things you can do together - life and health don't change drastically between 25 and 65. After 65 though, things can start to go dramatically downhill.

Breaking up would be very painful after 5 years. But - if you don't break up you may find yourself feeling trapped 10 years from now - with no easy escape.

Some years back my wife and I were travelling / hiking in the Canadian Rockies. We stopped at a roadside trail head / view point and chatted with a middle aged woman there. She could only stay at the first viewpoint - her much older husband was sitting at a picnic table - his health didn't let him hike any more. It was clear that she wanted to go out hiking, was fit enough herself, but didn't feel she could leave him.

I wish I could put a positive spin on this the way other people have done, but I can't. Certainly it is hard to predict, but it is likely that some day you will need to take care of him in his old age. You will resent it, even though you love him, and he will know he is a burden however much you lie and tell him that he isn't.

[stressed]

You have to take into account that one of the reasons he is the man who he is IS the age difference. There is the possibility that he wouldn't be the same man if he were 10 years younger. He is the man you love also because of the years between you. For today's standards 44 and is young. As for health issues, these can start as soon as a man turns 30 and it's nothing you can really avoid.

I understand that 17 years is quite an age difference, but since it did not prevent you from falling for him then this should show you how good you are together as a couple. It is VERY difficult in our days for a woman to say about her man what you just have and I feel it is so wonderful that you work together so good. Your friends may marry men of their age but who's to say that they are happier than you? As for having children, if the parents love each other and have the strength and maturity to face the problems that come up then they won't see this negatively. My parents had me when they were both 40, I did feel awkward at times as a child when they would pick me up from school, as I saw that other children had parents in their 30's while mine were in their 50's, but that's all the awkwardness I ever felt due of it. I wouldn't want them to be any younger, now I think it's actually a blessing to have much older parents as I learn so much from them and respect them even more for their age.

Don't think about what the people will say. I could say that 17 years is some difference but the way your relationship is... it's just worth the effort.

[SecretlySad]

be honest and straight forward and find what it is that is bothering you the most and talk to him about it all openly...

Thanks for all your opinions, guys...

I only wish it was as easy as this, Chandlers.

My boyfriend doesn't deal very well with the heavy stuff... if we get into an argument 99% of the time he will go and shut himself away in the bedroom instead of talking it out with me. He always "doesn't have time for this sh*t". I have lost count of the amount of times I have apologised to him when I believe I wasn't even in the wrong, just so he would start talking to me again. Once it went on for 2 days. 2 days of not speaking to someone you live with is harder than you think! I had even forgotten what it was I was supposed to have done wrong!

There have been times when I have come to him with relationship concerns, poured my heart out to him and at the end he has told me you either want to be with me, or you don't. No "we'll work on this together", no talking it over, no compromise, no plan, no ideas, nothing like that. He is very black and white when it comes to things like this - ironically enough he tells me he is too old for all the talking and bull sh*t.

When things are wonderful between us they are like a dream, but when we fight, oh God I hate it. I become soooo upset. I will do almost ANYTHING to avoid it. Yes I will admit, when times are bad I am intimidated by him and very uncomfortable with being completely honest for fear of how he will react (nothing physical, but e.g. shutting down like he does). I know how unhealthy this is but I can't help it. I have spoken to him about it before and he basically told me that it is something I am going to have to overcome myself. He isn't willing to change anything for anyone and is very set in his ways - another negative when it comes to his age. I at 27 am still growing and figuring out what my ways are, whereas he has known his for years and isn't budging.

I am not blaming him - I have my problems too. Zero self esteem for one. All of my issues make it very hard for me to confront people, but yeah... it's not as easy as just going to him and talking to him.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Taking age aside.

Communication and Compromise are two very, very, major factors of a healthy and happy relationship. If you had those, think about it, you wouldn't have zero self esteem.. This is un-healthy and "he's too old for that shirt", then he hasn't the right partner, it's not about age in that regard at all.

Altermatives are also not a good key. "you either want to be with me or you don't" that's almost controlling.. Suck it up or shut up.

Personally? I think this relationship has run it's course but as he hasn't "built you up" stronger than you were when you entered the relationship, your having difficulties finding a way out.

Everyone can be "nice" and there are always fun parts of a relationship, but without good communication and compromise how is a relationship meant to work?

CW