[sourpuss]

You could tell him that he has to move out because it's too expensive and you're going to get a roommate that actually signs a lease and pays their bills.

[KMonte85]

Are you willing to accept this going forward? I seriously doubt it.

No, I'm not... and I know I shouldn't feel bad about wanting him to pay like he said he would. Even if he was unemployed, he could still just help me more around the house, doing nothing is doing nothing for us and making me question if i did marry him if I would ever dare have his kids...... so yes, this needs to be handled because it is turning into more than just "you're not paying and you're not helping pick up around the house!"

Now its just the getting the gusto to bring this up in a civilized way and keep it civilized while we discuss. I'm worried I will bring it up and he is either going to get hurt/be embarrassed (it is kind of emasculating for him I think which is why he's not talking to me about it) and shut down and nothing will get fixed and i will start building up resentment... or he is going to get mad, which is going to get me mad, which is going to result in me telling him off, not what i want but i can sometimes fly off the handle.

Either the discussion will go really well or it will go horribly wrong... blah, i'm going to try this tonight....

[rcoreyus]

Splitting money is tricky - especially when you have different incomes. When you are married, there is a scheme that I have found works: All of both of our incomes go into a common account. All expenses are paid out of that account. In addition each person gets a "fun budget" that they can spend (or save) on whatever they want - no questions asked.

The problem in your case is that the mortgage on the house makes things uneven. If you split up, he doesn't get to keep a share of the house. You could decide that you split the interest on the mortgage, but the principal comes out of your "fun money".

I've found that this works MUCH better than splitting expenses. I know one couple where the husband make a bunch of money on an internet startup - and now feels he never needs to work again, while his wife needs to work the rest of her life to keep contributing. It is in some sense "fair": they are contributing equal amounts of money, but it sure doesn't feel that way when she needs to work all day, and he can just goof off.


Chores are a different issue - and in a lot of ways much simpler. You should spend roughly equal time on chores. If he isn't willing to do his part, then maybe you should re-consider the relationship. If you have very different ideas about what chores need to be done at all (you like things neat, he is a slob for instance), again you may not be happy long term.

[pretzel]

KM,

From personal experience. My situation was alot like yours with my wife when we first moved in together. She moved in saying how great it would be for both of us both financially and as a measure of our future relationship.

I kept my mouth shut when I shouldn't have. It cost me everything financially. I was blinded by our love for each other (still am) not to see the forest through the trees.

You're too young to have to endure what I've endured. Speak up, stay strong, stay convicted to your beliefs.

If he can't handle it, that's his problem and would be an indication of what things would be like in the future.

I would only address the short term needs especially financially and what he's not doing both around the house and for the relationship.

Keep his answers in the back of your mind and take time to reflect on those when you have alot of time to sort through them.

[Guest]

Another reason I feel kind of carppy about the whole situation. I CAN afford it. I bought the place knowing I would have cushion with just one income.

no, no, no. if you go down that route you will be setting yourself up for being the only income earner in the household. a relationship (marriage) is a joint partnership. maybe not 50/50 in $ put towards expenses, but def 50/50 put towards making things work.

if he's not making an effort now and you try to cover everything, you are setting a precedent that you may not be able to get out of later.

saving for retirement and emergencies is important. he needs to pay a fair share. he's living with the love of his life, not his mother!

[KMonte85]

I've found that this works MUCH better than splitting expenses. I know one couple where the husband make a bunch of money on an internet startup - and now feels he never needs to work again, while his wife needs to work the rest of her life to keep contributing. It is in some sense "fair": they are contributing equal amounts of money, but it sure doesn't feel that way when she needs to work all day, and he can just goof off.


Chores are a different issue - and in a lot of ways much simpler. You should spend roughly equal time on chores. If he isn't willing to do his part, then maybe you should re-consider the relationship. If you have very different ideas about what chores need to be done at all (you like things neat, he is a slob for instance), again you may not be happy long term.

Wow, yeah I can see how that who scenario of the rich husband, working wife thing can be a burden. Mine isn't that extreme! I make about $5000 more per year than he does - so not a ton.. biggest issue is he has more bills than i do. he just finished paying off his car, but still has a ATV he's paying for and some credit debt, and his utility bill from his old place (his old roommate screwed him over so he got stuck with the full bill). but even with all that he was still able to pay his rent. now he's living with me and i'm asking him to pay $50 LESS than he did at his apartment, and he says he will when he gets money.... so if you have no other bills - where is this money going?

I know, I know.. that is what needs to be asked of him.

Cleaning - yeah, I did walk into that one. He was a typical messy bachelor before we lived together, but where I want the dishes cleaned every night, he would do them at his place once a week or so... he hasn't washed one dish sinced he moved in with me. I'm not asking for MORE, just the same effort he put in before at his own home. Just stuff like that.. I get I will pick up more of the slack, but he has completely forgotten that his cats poop the same as they did in his old apt and the litter boxes need to be cleaned as they did at his old apt... his dishes get dirty just like they did there too... so why no effort to do it? because I will?

Yet more questions I need to ask him and not ask rhetorically in this forum.


Getting this out is helping me though.. I've been worried that I was going to hurt his feelings if I talk to him. but now I'm starting to realize that my feelings are important too and if he gets wounded, it might be the wake up call we both need.


Blah, cohabitation is so hard! lol

[sourpuss]

He is simply taking you for granted and taking advantage of you. Don't let it go too long.

[KMonte85]

He is simply taking you for granted and taking advantage of you. Don't let it go too long.

I'm going to talk to him tonight over dinner... thanks for your advice sourpuss - I know you're giving it to me straight.

I am going to tell him that since he seems to have no further expenses, that he is taking advantage because it is me... he was never more than a week late on rent to his landlord. Why am I different? Because he knows he can get away with it.


Not anymore!


I think I just needed this boost to get my butt in gear and have this uncomfortable conversation....

[sourpuss]

Yay! Why to stand up for yourself. Good luck.

[KMonte85]

eek! I hate having to have these conversations with him!


Just keeping my head straight til tonight when we can talk... thinking up ways to bring it up...

"Look, pay up or ship out, and while you're at it - clean up after your pets and wash a dish once, huh?!" probably is not the way to go!