[GoodEgg]

What does it mean when a guy says "I don't feel good enough for anyone"? Is this just a basic lack of confidence or is it just some kind of excuse for not being very decisive or...? It wasn't said in any particular context. It was a broad statement said in regards to relationships. May be a silly question, but the more I thought about it, the less I understood it.

[stressed]

Maybe he has been in relationships where the girls often told him about how bad he was at this and that, so now it has stayed with him and he might believe it up to a point. But it depends, if he sees people being better than him most of the time (at practical stuff, at giving advice and so on) he might feel not good enough overall, that there will always be someone who does the same thing better than him. It is up to him to change this and you are the best person who can boost his confidence or give him ideas as to how to feel he is better at things than others. That he is good enough for you for this and that reason. Maybe he needs to hear it once in a while.

I've heard that myself a few times and I've found that sitting down and discussing it, asking them what exactly they mean by it and give examples so I can prove the opposite, actually helps them a lot. Just give him a few examples of what he is good at and then encourage him to do a little bit more each time, so he can see for himself that he IS good enough.

[Trina Bean]

I say what he says a lot the reason i feel that way is that everyone i have ever dated has cheated on me or used me in some way. Maybe he has been in relationships where he has been used or cheated on.

[Hopeless Dork]

Depends on the context. If out of the blue...It can be genuine low confidence or it could be an excuse to justify bad behaviors when said in a fight where they have hurt you.

Its generally a coppout...

IN a break up: I'm not good enough for you anyway, go find someone better = trying to make you feel better about the fact their leaving

IN a fight where they have hurt you: I'm not good enough for you or anyone = i bleeped up. I shouldn't have done whatever I did, but I did it... so it must be that I am not good.
a. They may genuinly mean that, and feel guilty for what they've done.
b. They may be playing a woe is me violin, and want to change you making them feel bad to you trying to make THEM feel better.

IN a fight where you have hurt them= I am not good enough for you, for anyone, you've hurt me, others have hurt me, it must be me.

[Guest]

I say what he says a lot the reason i feel that way is that everyone i have ever dated has cheated on me or used me in some way. Maybe he has been in relationships where he has been used or cheated on.

I think this is probably more likely, and not just a cop-out.

a lot depends on the context and what was going on when it was said, or preceeded it.

[GoodEgg]

Makes sense. Thanks for the input! Just to follow up on this, he has never been cheated on and in all his past relationships, all three of them, he has always been the one to end the relationship for reasons ranging from personality differences that he couldn't overcome to starting the relationship as a rebound from a previous one. He was also betrayed by a close friend way back when but there was no interest on his side in that friend, just interest from the other party.

I like the advice about building confidence by offering encouragement and reassurance. I think he could really use that. There just seem to be a lot of arenas in the social sphere that he feels his skills are inadequate. It's too bad he can't see that there are a lot of strengths in him as well.

[stressed]

And you know, at first it doesn't have to be anything 'advanced', you can start with everyday things, like from how well he connected this or that home appliance, or how nice of him to always bring the dishes in the kitchen (add that there are so many men who do neither), or what a good driver he is, how secure you feel with him around. Even if it's something he hasn't done before (i.e. put together an IKEA furniture) and even if he says "but I'm not good at it, you'd do it better" you can still encourage him to just try it for fun, for the feeling of 'hey, I did this myself and it looks good" and even if he won't make it he can at least say that he tried.

Then, ask him for an advice on a matter that has to do with a friend of yours or your family or work, show that you respect his opinion a lot and that what he said what an excellent idea and how good he was for coming up with it.

Maybe he doesn't get the chance to show his skills properly at work or around people and he's slowly losing his self-confidence up to the point he's thinking of 'giving up' trying to be good at things since there will always be someone who's 'better', just because he doesn't get the chance to prove it. But if you show him that a little every day he will realize that 'he's not all that bad after all' and he will want to show it in more areas and more people as time goes by.

Also, what occasionally follows after thoughts of "I'm not good enough for anyone" is the feeling of "I'm not good enough for her" and this can lead him to being more closed to himself as he feels he lets you down or that you deserve better but he doesn't want to disappoint you by telling you so, as he can still see that you have faith in him being 'the best'.

[GoodEgg]

I will keep that in mind for when those situations arise. It's not my natural instinct to boost other peoples' egos. I always felt confident that people know what they're worth and I didn't want to sound like I was being transparent or "blowing sunshine" at anyone. He's actually pretty good at a lot of things, so I thought the same applied with him, but he's also really good at not expressing his emotions so that they're obvious by his facial expression or things he says. I've been trying to insert encouragement where I can now. It's slowly becoming more natural. It was easier when I saw him every day, but now I only seem him once or twice a week.