[HarleyQuinn]

Okay - Here the deal - Boyfriend for a year and a half, great, hot, funny, awesome boyfriend, but - Daily pot smoker. He is high all the time, so often, I can't even tell the difference from day to day.

He relized how much he smokes pot, and makes an attempt about 6 months ago to cut back or quit (yay!) He falls into a wicked withdrawl / depression, quits his job, phone gets shut off, car registration expires, and I have been taking 100% care of him for 2 months now. He says he is to depressed to get a job. With no job (and no health insurance) finding counseling for him is nearly impossible. When I try to talk to him about it, he breaks into tears about how he is going to kill himself to save me the burden.

I feel like me options are

1. Buy him a bag, tell him to get stoned, then go get a job. (defeating the purpose of the whole endevor)
2. Leave him, and cross my fingers that he doesn't off himself (not my favorite idea, I really want it to work)
3. Pay (again..) for counseling and doctors and try to be as patience as possible. (upwards of $500 a month that I don't really have....)

Any thoughts?

[Guest]

# 2. too many issues for me. if he has no motivation and you put yourself in the position of taking so much care of him this soon in a relationship, you might be stuck in that role for a very long time.

[sourpuss]

I was in almost the EXACT same situation with my ex for 6 YEARS! To be honest, you can't help him. Leaving, sadly, is the only option you have. Don't waste your years on someone who doesn't care about themselves, let alone you.

Maybe losing you (for real) will be the wake up call that he needs. As long as you are taking care of him, he has no reason to change a single thing. No one can be changed, they have to do it themselves.

[Explorer44]

I'd say time to stop enabling and tell him you need to move along in life, not stagnate in a cloud of pot induced haze...

If he has no job, he can probably qualify for some kind of help from somewhere. He just has to put forth an effort. Which he won't do as long as he has you to meet his needs.

I think when you look back, you'll be glad you did.

And if he threatens to kill himself? Tell him you'll call the police or take him to the hospital to get the care he needs.

I know it won't be easy, but good luck and don't ever blame yourself for his choices!!!

[danceintx]

Is there a particular reason you don't like him stoned? I'm only asking because is this a problem you have because it's illegal, or you don't like how he is stoned, or whatever the reason. Is it worth loosing the relationship to make him quit? Was he smoking when you met him? Seldom pot use I have no real problem with, but daily use, when the person gets goofy when they smoke especially, is a problem.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My house mate so wants to give up but can't it's an addiction.

She could succeed in Nursing beyond what I make as a Real Estate Agent....

But she has no motivation to succeed, no drive, therefore, no hope.

I'm sorry... but he needs to go somewhere, go cold turkey, whilst at the same time have visions, dreams, desire that he can't see now but will see whilst he's recovering.

The only thing you can do is tell him "he's worth it" what is his hobby? Tell him without this and with a job he can have all of that and more, give him goals, dreams, desires and if that doesn't work, you can't do anything other than look after yourself.

CW

[Joy]

Is depression something he has always suffered? If he suffers from a mental illness such as bi polar for example but never on meds he could use Pot as self medicating technique. If this is the case he should really see a doctor.

You can't be depressed and be passive about it - it 's a hole you must wanna fight to get out of and no one can do that but him. All the love support in the world from you is not going to cure his depression. Buying 10 bags of pot for him won't cure his depression.

How old is he? regardless of age get his family involved - depressed people usually need more than 1 person for support - you will get burnout trying to carry all this on your own.

[angel-lou]

He obviously loves you otherwise I don't think he would try to quit.
My dad was in the same position with a woman for 10 years although she worked and was doing well in her career, she tried to quit for 2 weeks and she was like a different person.
I agree with Joy, your help alone isn't going to be enough, he will need moral support from family and friends and deffinately medical help to determine whether his depression is cause through the drug or if there's an underlying cause/ condition

Best of luck

[HarleyQuinn]

Thanks everybody for the reply - I am going to try to answer a couple of the question

Depression is something he has always suffered, and always self medicated with pot, it works very well for him, and I dont have any major issues with the smoking, other than I feel that he needs to fix the problems instead of mask them with drugs.

He hates and family and blames all of his issues on them, I dont know if getting them involved will be the best route.

All in all - I think everyone is right, how can you help somebody who is unwilling to help themselves, furthermore - how can somebody care about you if they can't care about themselves.

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting very dim.....

[Joy]

Well using pot to self medicate in low doses is great - smoking most of the day and night actually increases paranoia and depression.

i don t know what he blames his family for and maybe some of it is grounded in truth. Really none of us can blame others for our problems even if "family" is at the root at a certain age we must take responsiblity for our own anger, sadness, happiness, Joy, ect. If for example he feels his family never supported him emotionally - well then at some point get over it and find the support you need in other family, friends & community.

you are correct if he blames & hates them well maybe that isn't a good suggestion to get them involved - but one day he has to grow up forgive them and move on - even if he does only want limited contact with them. He can't carry that grudge or hate around - part of that is holding him back. One day hopfully he will be ready to heal some of these issues and be free.