[niclaus]

I wasn't really sure where to turn for this, so I decided I'd give this place a shot and see if there's anyone out there who can help. Forgive the length, but I think most of it is necessary.

I've been dating a girl for awhile now who I am completely in love with and she feels the same about me. Our communication is phenomenal and we both feel as though the other is the person they want to get married to when the time comes (I'm 25, she's 21). It is pretty much the ideal relationship and neither of us have ever been this comfortable in a relationship. But now the not so happy part.

In the beginning of the relationship she confided that there were issues she had that she wanted to talk with me about when she felt she was ready. It turns out that the biggest of these issues is that she was molested by her older brothers when she was a child (~10 years ago). I am one of 2 or 3 people she has ever talked to about this, she hasn't really even talked with anyone in her family about it. She has had relationship problems in the past including feelings of abandonment and trust, but I've been able to shed her of a lot of those problems by being loving and supporting.

Now the real issue here involves sex. She has had a fair number of sexual partners, but not enough to say that she's overly promiscuous. The issue is that due to her previous molestation, sex means nothing to her. It is pleasurable and she has a fairly high sex drive, but she just doesn't feel the emotional connection that should come with "making love." She actually feels the emotional connection a LOT more when we are just laying down cuddling, which we do frequently because I also love to cuddle. We've intentionally put off sex for awhile now to wait until she feels as though she might be ready for it to mean something with me because that's important to both of us. Although she has said that we might be waiting until marriage, which sucks but ultimately is ok with me. Although we've also talked about worries that even if we wait it might not mean something to her.

Now to my actual question, how can I help her through this? How can I help make sex mean something to her? I realize that it all stems from her previous molestation, but is there something I can do besides just being patient and being supportive? Or does she simply need counseling and time to get over that problem? Or does anyone know some good resources about adults living through child molestation?

I've also brought up the idea to her that if we started having sex and she was repeatedly with someone who was very caring and showed love for her while having sex as much as she shows it back that she might start feeling that emotional connection, but we're both afraid of pushing sex too soon.

Any help/advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[Guest]

this is a very hard issue to deal with. i know a few people who have been molested or raped, and am not sure if people ever get over that completely.

has she ever sought professional counseling? i know your heart is in the right place, and you only want to do whats best for her, but sometimes we can only be really open about things with an uninvolved stranger.

[niclaus]

She has never sought professional counseling, although we've been talking about it lately and she got the number of her campuses counseling center, but she hasn't taken the next step of actually talking with someone.

We are very open with each other and she's been able to confide in me for pretty much everything, however, I'm not a trained counselor so I don't know if just being able to talk about it with me will ultimately be enough help.

[LanaBear]

I think it would definitely be beneficial for her to go and talk to someone professionally about it.

But also, of course, you two don't want to get more intimate until absolutely ready. However, she may have never had an emotional connection with her other partners because she didn't care about them the way she does you. I didn't have any emotional connection with my previous partners until I was with my hubby, then it was just a whole other level. Too some, sex is just, well, sex. There's nothing wrong with that. It's when you find the one you love or care about that you establish the emotional connection with, in my opinion.

You are already showing her how much she means to you by being loving and supporting her. Continue to do so and let her make the decision as to when to take this to the next level.

[Guest]

i dont know if talking with you about it will or will not be enough help. I would encourage you to encourage her to go to professional counseling, and provide her as much support as you can before, during, and afterwards. offer to walk her there and wait for her if she wants you to. be gentle but supportive.

[LanaBear]

Oh - also, how is she with your intimacy now? I'm assuming you two have been intimate, just haven't taken it all the way? How is she during that? Is she receptive? Does she feel any type of emotional connection then?

[niclaus]

Like I said, she has a healthy sex drive and we've been intimate (everything but full penetration), but she says she doesn't really feel the emotional connection when we do. It's very pleasurable for both of us and it's great, but I still think there's a degree of disconnect on her part due to the issues stated above.

Like I said before our biggest emotional connection comes from cuddling and it's very important to both of us, because long before we were together, we were just friends and we used to spend nights under covers just cuddling. So although the intimacy issues arise when talking about sex, we make up for it in other areas.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Our minds are a very powerful thing. We can store information there, even information that we "don't" want to store but storing it, keeping it there, enables us to 1) remember and 2) play a role/ a part in our lives that sometimes, we don't want.

It may be in the back of the mind but it raises it's head under certain circumstances.

Does she explain to you how she feels about her brothers actions? How she acts and feels towards them now?

It can add a sense of "sex is sex", because that is what they made her feel, she didn't have the chance to own her body, and it was family.

She does need to discuss it, understand it, work with it, and let go, ridding it from her mind once and for all, so that she can realise that it is her body, they violated it and she is now in full control.

And, to realise that it's "okay" to feel.. as she does when you hug and kiss.

It will take her time to let herself go with you and feel free, just from your love but ultimately, she needs to live this through another person, that talks her through it professionally, until she can see it for what it was, not her body, and finally let it go..

CW

[LanaBear]

Yeah, I don't think it would hurt for her to go to a counselor. That's a huge on the trauma scale and you both will probably benefit from it.

As sperosi said, support her to the max before, during and after the appts.

You two seem to have an awesome thing going, so, hopefully this will only make it better.

Good luck and welcome to the forum BTW.

[niclaus]

First of all, thank you all for taking the time to respond, it's been helpful and therapeutic for me.

To answer a couple of your questions CW, yes, she talked to me about how she felt about her brothers doing it and how she feels towards them now. That came up in our initial conversation about this all. This is where she told me about how it has made her not find meaning (other than pleasure) in sex. She still sees her brothers on a regular basis, the molesting has stopped and they get along fine on the outside. But I know that it still creeps into her head a lot. She has moved on by keeping it in and closing it off, which is obviously unhealthy.

I fully agree with you all that she should get some counseling which I brought up to her awhile back, and I'm glad to hear other people backing up that idea so that I feel more confident in guiding her that way. And I will definitely support her in every way I can.

Excuse my ignorance, but is there somewhere special she should go for this or will any old counselor get her to soemone that can help her best? Also, does anyone have resources handy for supporting people who have been through these things (i.e. what to expect, what not to say, etc), if not I'm sure I can do my own research.

Thanks again. I'll be visiting her this weekend and if the issue comes up again, I'll be better prepared to talk about it thanks to you all.