[secretissecret]

This gets kind of long, so I apologize, but everything is relevant.

My and my boyfriend had been together for almost 6 years. We never really fought much, and I thought things had been going pretty well at the time. In January, he told me he loved me but thought he could be a better friend to me than a boyfriend right now. He was VERY supportive, not afraid to hug me or ask me how I was doing. We were living together, so while it hurt, he was still coming to sleep next to me every night and we were still sleeping together and he still very much wanted me to live there. But after a while I wasn't sure how we'd move on or figure things out unless we had some space, so I asked him to move to the room in the basement. He did without complaint.

On his birthday, I took him to dinner, and at the end (probably due to wine) I asked him if I could have one more kiss for closure's sake. He gave it to me, and then suggested when we got home to go to his room and talk. We did have a good talk, and also ended up having sex again.

From there on, things were pretty good. He was crawling in to sleep with me instead of downstairs every night. We cuddled, talked openly, and were intimate. After about a month of this, he admitted to me, when I said I didn't understand why we broke up, that he was 70% sure we would get back together, and that this was just a phase that might have had to do with just sex or needing a bit of freedom (we used to have an open relationship, so sex with other people was not a huge deal for me). Before the chances of us getting back together was only 50/50; he didn't want to say either way because he didn't know what he was really feeling.

Anyways, things continued to be good, I was hopeful. Then I had a pregnancy scare, and told him that we screwed up and there was a chance I could be pregnant and that I would need to take a test in a couple weeks. He did not seem worried at all, and basically told me that he would be okay with it, because it would certainly simplify his feelings for me and our relationship. I didn't want a baby to be the reason he stayed though and told him so (thankfully I know now that I am not pregnant). But it confused me that we weren't really 'together' but he was completely okay with the idea of me maybe being pregnant.

Fastforward to now. I went away for the weekend. There was a coworker of his that he hangs out with on occasion. It wasn't often, really, like once or twice a month outside of work. Anyway, this weekend while I was gone, he was going to have her over to watch movies (he was open about hanging with her, so I was fine). When I come back, he tells me we need to talk.

Basically, he discovered over the weekend that he had a crush on this girl, and she had a crush on him back, and he felt he needed to explore it or he would always wonder what those feelings were about. I was very sad, but I could only give him my blessing. I also told him I didn't think I could live here anymore, because it might be too hard knowing when he didn't come home at night and just being alone in this big empty house most of the time because he'd be with her.

He's still being very supportive. Lots of hugs, kisses on the cheek/forehead, will cuddle with me when we watch a movie, he even cries when I'm crying. He's being very open about the girl he has a crush on, which I actually appreciate, though it's hard sometimes since he is sleeping over there often. He has expressed an interest in still spending time with me and being close.

I have asked him if this means we will never get back together, but he is hesitant to say never, because he has no idea where things with this other girl will go yet. But he is clearly excited about her, as it is a new relationship.

He doesn't want me to go, but thinks moving out will be good for me (I'll be going back to my parents place so I'll be able to save up a lot of money easily). He tries to suggest all the exciting things I can do now.

A few questions I need advice on:

1) I am confused about how certain he was we would get back together before this crush was in the picture. Could those feelings have really disappeared, or do you think it's just a temporary fling that he's curious about because it's someone/something new and exciting?

2) There are lots of websites that suggest 'no contact' as a method of re-sparking an ex's interests again (and also moving on). Does anyone have experience with getting back with a long-term partner? I mean, either it's going to happen or it won't, but is it true I can ruin my chances by being too clingy and always asking him about how he feels?

3) What can I do to feel better? It's going to be a few weeks before I can move out for sure and I am sometimes not sure I want to, just because living here is very cheap and convenient. Not as cheap as living with my folks, but I'm afraid if I stay here, it will only be because I am hoping he'll come back. I am not angry with him, because I know him very well. During our open relationship, he always came back to me, but this is the first time he's had a crush, I think.

We had a really good relationship, and I think given a second shot, we could make it new and exciting again too, but I am not sure how best to go about a) Helping myself cope with the break up in case it IS permanent and b) Not pushing away my ex and further confusing his feelings for me.

Help? I'm sorry this is so long. It's been a long few months.

[Hopeless Dork]

I have asked him if this means we will never get back together, but he is hesitant to say never, because he has no idea where things with this other girl will go yet. But he is clearly excited about her, as it is a new relationship.

It sounds like you are his back up plan That sentence right there amplified what I had been feeling this whole way through your story.

It sounds like he does love and care for you... but not in a complete way. He wants to explore finding that someone that he has complete feelings for and wants to leave the door open to come back to you if he doesn't.

Will you really be there waiting with open arms when things with this girl, or the next girl, or the next one don't pan out? I can't see anything more selfish than him saying he'd always wonder what those feelings meant if he didn't explore them. What? They meant you were attracted to someone and now want to see if you can turn that into a relationship. While girlfriend waits patiently just in case things don't work out.

Its so unfair to you. I am glad you were brave enough to suggest moving out. Gosh, I know its hard. It sounds like you love this man with your whole heart. And it sounds like although he is empathetic to your feelings, it almost seems brotherly, best friendly... and it likely is.


I do hope that you also explore options and feelings with other people while he takes this hiatus with his new crush. There is without doubt men out there that would cherish you in the way that he does, but will also be so appreciative of what they have in you that they won't gamble it away at any girl that bats an eyelash at them.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

1) I am confused about how certain he was we would get back together before this crush was in the picture. Could those feelings have really disappeared, or do you think it's just a temporary fling that he's curious about because it's someone/something new and exciting?

Personally, I think he has been quite honest with you all the way along..

Reason? Is because he did sleep downstairs until you changed that...

I think that the problem lied with the fact that you both had an "open relationship", so the committment wasn't there, rather a strong friendship with sexual involvement.

I think that when you allowed him to re-enter your sexual space, it was different this time, because it was more exclusive, just the two of you and so, he began to see it differently.. However, the "open relationship" was still in his mind, hense the co-worker.. It has been done, it was how your relationship started and he's still in that phase, not ready to settle down.. It was an agreement made by both of you, a journey you both had, but you fell in love.

Will he come back and see you as the one to settle with? Maybe, if the relationship can still be open but maybe not, as maybe now he is ready to settle down more, as he went from 50% - 70% wanting that style of a relationship... But, without fear and therefore, you two may only ever now be friends.

2) There are lots of websites that suggest 'no contact' as a method of re-sparking an ex's interests again (and also moving on). Does anyone have experience with getting back with a long-term partner? I mean, either it's going to happen or it won't, but is it true I can ruin my chances by being too clingy and always asking him about how he feels?

If it's meant to be it will.. That's really all there is too it... There is a saying " If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they are yours, if they don't they never will"..

3) What can I do to feel better? It's going to be a few weeks before I can move out for sure and I am sometimes not sure I want to, just because living here is very cheap and convenient. Not as cheap as living with my folks, but I'm afraid if I stay here, it will only be because I am hoping he'll come back. I am not angry with him, because I know him very well. During our open relationship, he always came back to me, but this is the first time he's had a crush, I think.

It's difficult because you are still living there.. He will still be touchy feely, as you two have a bond of sorts, you gave him something most women would not even contemplate and you were always there for him. He will expect the same. Your not a tap, you can't turn yourself on and off, where emotions go and you obviously have strong emotions to him, but as you say your not "angry" with him.. So, just flitter around, visit friends, family, and use this place as where you sleep for now.

[secretissecret]

Thank you, CHANDLER'S WISH.

You brought up some interesting points. Mostly I haven't even thought of the open relationship part, because we were monogamous for about a year and a half, almost two years. It was his decision, mostly because the relationship was open just for his benefit. We had a very healthy active sex life, but I am mostly asexual, and have only really developed sexual feelings for him.

I always felt he was very committed, even with the open relationship, simply because he always talked about a future together, proposed early on in the relationship, and sex with other people was few and far between considering the whole of our relationship. I think commitment issues are only recent, in maybe he has hit a point in his life (he's 26) where he is re-evaluating what he wants, so he's in a confusing point of transition. He was planning on just being single for a long while if we did, in fact, not work out, and he said this girl kind of ruined those plans.

But yes, I'm trying to find ways to keep busy. The biggest issue is right now I don't have a job, so I'm left to my thoughts a lot. But I actually feel a slow progression towards feeling better.

[Guest]

Maybe we are both wrong, but I agree with CW in that the open relationship thing may have played a role in this. despite what some may think, guys want to be wanted too. even though the open relation "was open just for his benefit", he may have taken that as you doing the same, or just not caring about him enough for his sleeping around to bother you.

I am going to make a suggestion, and the result will either be wonderful or extremely painful ...

TELL HIM EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL AND DON'T PULL ANY PUNCHES!

people play all sorts of word games, trying to elicit some sort of response. oh let me pull away and see if he chases after me. oh if i say this to her she'll do something to let me know how she feels.

well you cant depend on the fact that people will react or say things the way you'd like them to when you beat around the bush, even if they feel the way you hope they do.

although they may still not be as direct in their reply or actions when you are that direct with them, you have a better chance of seeing their real feelings.

So, if you want more and you want exclusive and you want the white picket fence, etc., then tell him!

[secretissecret]

Ah, Sperosi, I don't think him needing to feel wanted was a problem. He knew the open relationship did bother me on occasion. Plus the only time I slept with other people when the relationship was open was as a threesome with him. He decided to finally be monogamous because he honestly thought he was through with random casual sex and knew it would make me happy. He seemed very happy about the decision, but I did make it clear after we broke up that if the break up was because he missed casual sex that I was willing to go back to an open relationship.


Because we're broken up now and he is pursuing another girl, well, I don't think putting all my feelings of what I want from him on the table will help. He knows how I feel about him and that I would like to be with him, but he has said he can't just not explore this crush with this girl because otherwise he'll always be wondering 'what if'.

I've tried to be as open as possible with him about how I feel, and it's been well received, but not in a way he can reciprocate right now.

Just because we were so close to getting back together before this crush popped up, I'm just confused about what I should do with myself. I've been considering moving out so we can have some time apart. Either I will be able to move on in a healthy way, or he might realize that he misses me and we can work it out. Either way, I'm covered, right?