[Yazwoman]

So I met this awesome guy in December at a holiday party. We really hit it off, lots of similar interests and this guy only lives like 2.5 miles from me. He, however had a really high sex drive. I liked him a lot, and it's not like he pressured me into doing sex but I wasn't quite ready. (Mentally,no, physically and spiritually I was ready.) I was falling in love with him or so I thought so I gave him my first time during some odd experience..even though we weren't 'officially' dating. Yea, I'm a foolish romantic. ~*sigh*~

Then I freaked out because I was just on my birth control (pill) and being obese and of course first time worries was like: "OMG I did it and I hope science is behind me and doesn't give me a kid." He seemed to think I was fine. I stayed up all night shaking in fear and he just slept after trying to comfort me for only like 15 minutes. Anyways, we wound up not talking for like 2 weeks. (Where he later admitted he slept with another woman.)

Though when I went to get checked out for STDs and whatever he was supportive, making sure that I was ok. So I think he does care.

Regardless he still says he's attracted to me and leaves comments in texts and stuff like he wants to have sex with me 'safer' but at the same time I know I can't be the right one for him (I have a low sex drive, he has high one.) Also since he slept with another woman (even though we weren't 'offically dating' ) is a big-tip off!

So I knew after another incident that he was really not the one for me. I was really sick at a party and he finally relented after I asked many times (To the point where I was annoying) to take me home even though it was late at night.

Anyways, I just want to be friends now but it's odd for me because I slept with him and he's the first guy I've slept with. He obviously 'wants' me in that way but I can't handle it. He's thinking he's poly and I'm totally not. Though when I see him flirting with other women it hurts inside a bit. I bet that's normal..

It's just sad because I really was falling for him and that's why I gave myself to him after such a short period of time.

So I guess what I'm asking for is a) support b) wondering if anyone else had a similiar situation. (Your first time boy/girl, did you stay with them or wind up with someone else, how did that feel?) What do you do with a friend that you've slept with in the past? How did you deal with that? c) He seems to be getting really distant, but that distance is hurting me.. We still hang out and do stuff and he does have 'cuddle priviledges'. I'm thinking I should talk to him about stuff but wondering what you guys all think?

Thanks, it feels better to talk about it here.

[LanaBear]

You should probably talk to him and make sure he knows you just want to be friends and maybe you need to distance yourself for a few until you can sort out your feelings.

You perception of him was probably a little foggy before you got intimate because you were in the initial 'lust' stage of a relationship. After you got the sex over with, the blinds started opening up a little. You started seeing him in a different light.

It's okay to not end up with the person you lost your virginity too. It really is. I personally think virginity is a little overrated, there is too much focus on it. And by his behavior, you know this isn't the guy for you.

I never talked to the guy who I lost my virginity to after the night it happened. My choice, not his. After that, I pretty much just stuck to having sex with guy friends that I had known for years. They were safe, I had known them for years and grew up with them. It worked because I had no desire to have a boyfriend. After a few years, I started dating my now husband and he was the only person I ever felt that I could settle down with and love for the rest of my life. I did remain friends with the friends I had sex with, it was no big deal. We all just went on with life. As long as you don't want anything more and he knows and understands that, then there should be no problems being friends with him.

[Yazwoman]

Thankyou for your post, it really made me feel a lot better.
I have a lunch meeting with him tomorrow, hopefully there will be time to talk to him about stuff. I know that I still have mixed feelings (else why would I feel jealous when I saw him flirting with other women in front of me?) but I am pretty sure I know what I want. I put off talking to him before when I had some time with him, because it was my birthday and I didn't want to cry or have huge discussions like that on my special day.

I thought I knew what I wanted when I met him, didn't expect to actually do it but it happened. C'est le vie. (TBH, he was not expecting the 'moment of lust' either so at least that's a good thing.) I'm still in shock that I'm not a virgin anymore after all this time, (I was 26.. waiting out for the perfect guy and this guy just swept me off my feet, no other guy had done that.) but I'm glad it's no big deal in this day and age. (and I'm on BC pills so I'm protected, one hopes.)

*is totally addicted to these forums, LOL*

[KMonte85]

Yaz, I'm sure your mixed feelings for him is because you felt so strongly for him once. You held on to your virginity in hopes that you would give it to your perfect mate, and at the time, in the throws of lust and comfort and passion and everything else that comes with that, you gave him your virginity. So you still feel something for him, because you gave him something that you held dear. That is natural, and you shouldn't feel like you have mixed emotions for still having some pangs of jealousy when you're watching him flirt with other women. You shared a bond that night, but now you've come to realize that he just isn't the one for you.

Do have that talk with him, tell him exactly how you feel, and set it straight that you really would just like to remain friends, but will need to get some space first so you can sort your thoughts. It seems he is still holding out hope that you two will rendezvous again, and he needs to know that you are not looking for that with him.

Soon, you will be over the shock that you lost your virginity. It really isn't a life changing event, but because you held your virginity so close, waiting for the right guy, it feels like a huge deal for you right now. Give yourself time to come to terms with it, and realize that you are still the same person you were before you slept with him, that you are still as valuable today as you ever were, and that you deserve to find the perfect mate who will make you happy in every way. Virginity holds no influence on a woman's self worth in this day and age, and you are still a beatiful, vibrant young woman regardless of if you had zero sexual experiences or 20. It doesn't matter on bit, please know that.

[Yazwoman]

KMonte:

Thankyou for your post. The last part almost made me cry because it was so nice. Thanks for not judging and saying I'm "stupid" for feeling in shock. I really feel you hit the nail on the head with my feelings; thanks for being so understanding. You ladies are all so awesome.