[Anon_1990]

As you all know, I was smashed to peices when my ex dumped me, but she put me on to one of her mates cause she thought we would be a good match. So we've been flirting and all sorts, she's interested in urbex so I am taking her on an explore soon.

We really get on well and if we do get closer, I'll try and proceed! But I still think about my ex. I'm over her but I still get sad moments, and the occasional fantasy. But if I move on and ask this girl out it might put the final nail in the coffin for my feelings toward my ex.

A new relationship should kill old love, right?

[sourpuss]

It will help you move forward for sure. But don't date this new girl just to get over the last one, that's not fair to her. If you like her, spend time with her and see where it goes with no expectations.

[Hopeless Dork]

It helps, it really really does...you begin to shift your focus on to someone else, every time you think of the new person its time spent NOT thinking about the ex... its also a great reminder that other people can make you smile, make you feel good, make you happy -- that your ex is not the only person that will inspire all those old feelings in you.

Dating, and getting out there and having fun is a great healing tool. I wouldn't reccomend getting into a serious relationship yet though, it would be unfair to the other person if you were not fully ready to devote yourself to them... no one wants to be the band-aid or the rebound.. but keep it fun and light and see where it goes!

[KMonte85]

I've never been a strong believer that new love squashes feelings you still have for an old flame, it is just a distraction as far as I'm concerned.

Sure, if you're still sore over a hard breakup, dating around and keeping things light to feel better is okay.. but don't take it to starting a relationship, or really any farther than just casual dating, until you are unequivically over your ex. It's not fair to the girl you're using to help you get over the ex, and its not fair to you to not allow yourself however much time you need to get over the pain...

The gauge I've always been comfortable with to determine if you're over a past relationship and ready to start a new one is to ask yourself, "if I were dating someone else more than casually, and my ex were to suddenly decide he/she made a mistake and begs me to come back, would I?" If the answer is a HECK YEAH! then you're not ready for anything more serious than just going out and casually dating other people. Even if you have to pause and think about it, you probably aren't ready to fully invest yourself in someone else yet. If the answer is a quick and easy "no" then it would speak to the fact that you're over the breakup, over the ex, and ready to move on and give your FULL attention to woman who deserves nothing less.

[Anon_1990]

I think I'm ready. You can't stop it turning serious, it will just go that way. I'll keep looking foward, standing strong and crashing through those Walls!

[KMonte85]

I think I'm ready. You can't stop it turning serious, it will just go that way. I'll keep looking foward, standing strong and crashing through those Walls!

Absolutely, if you start casually it can alway grow to be more serious on its own, naturally - I'd say thats pretty much how ALL serious relationships start.

I just want you to be aware, that a serious relationship can also be forced along (intentionally or not) when a person isn't yet ready because they think it will help them get over their feelings for an ex. They think it will make them feel better (but it won't). You just need to be careful that your motivations are to meet new people and have fun, and AREN'T to get over someone else, which your initial post seemed to imply a bit to me..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Anon, you have a tower of strength, just from what you wrote above, it is refreshing to see.

I think I'm ready. You can't stop it turning serious, it will just go that way. I'll keep looking foward, standing strong and crashing through those Walls!

It's that type of strength and attitude that will take you places.

Yes, it will help you move on with your life. But, do not do it, so that you can. If this woman likes you, then you need to be sure your ready, to "try", not use it to get over someone and then dump her

Feelings don't usually happen over night. You bonded with the first girlfriend because she was your first, that's natural.

But, you will bond again with the next lady you sleep with as well, as she will be a part of you, intimately.

We mostly all have a few partners in life. And each one, is special, or if not, a lesson is learnt of what we don't want, need, in the next relationship, or what we do...

Naturally, we hurt when it's over if we were happy.

But, there is someone else out there for everyone, it's when all that you work out you want and need, and won't accept, therefore, don't take it further and wait until that type of person enters your life I think, that you then stop looking for ever, because your perfectly matched as best as you could be, and the little things you don't like you can compromise, or ignore, because the good outways those little things and no one is perfect.

CW

[stressed]

Just kill all contact with your ex for good. You say the girl is a mate of your ex. This may be risky, as you might get news about your ex, when you don't want to, and have old feelings revived over no good reason. Do make it clear that you want to hear nothing about your ex and don't ever ask about her. This is very important to remember.

Another thing, are you sure you are going to be comfortable having a serious relationship with a girl your ex suggested? Are you sure you won't look back to this one day and blame your ex or yourself for such a choice? You have to have all this cleared from day one, before you proceed.

[jns]

Anon: cherish what you had with your first girlfriend. She could not go on with you and had to make a break. I understand it was very traumatic, but she was your first true love. True love comes along too rarely. Keep kind memories of what you had, while still knowing that you cannot go back and should not dwell on that relationship too much. Sadness will come every once in a while even years or decades later. That is OK. The periods should be short but bittersweet. When I am in such a moment, I like to think of the words of "I Will Always Love You" as sung by Whitney Houston (Dolly Parton's voice doesn't quite do it for me on that song even though she wrote it).

[Anon_1990]

No, I will not kill contact. We were close mates for four years before we dAted and are now. Tbh it's all ok, it's just the occasional flashback, and I
hear every single little detail about her new sex life as it is so meh...