[ocularone]

**Disclaimer- This will be a fairly long message**

Hey everyone :-) Some of you have probably heard me talk about my girlfriend from time to time and you might get the sense that i have a pretty big crush on her :-P. However, some things have developed over the past couple weeks that has had me struggling. Little back story: Right now we are long distance. She is up north and i am here down south. Both have been finishing up school. I havent been able to see her in a couple months now because our schedules are both pretty intense (she just graduated medical school). Anyways, i have also been having to deal with some personal/family issues that has more or less, left me penniless for the time being. Which i am alright with because i grew up poor and know how to get by without much. She had a week off last week and wanted me to come see her (she couldn't come down because she had soem things to attend up north) and i could have made the time for a couple days to drive up there but i just couldn't afford it in any way. She then offered to buy me a train ticket and basically pay for me to come up for a couple days. I declined... I realize there is some pride at work here that i probably should have gotten over but honestly there is a lot more at work here that is hard to explain. Basically her family doesnt approve of me much and they would have known she had to pay for me to come up- would have made them think even less of me. She is extremely close with her family so her family's opinion of me IS important to me because i want it to work with them too, not just with her. I knew me coming up to visit on HER dime would cause big waves with her friends and family. I also just hated the fact that she was gonna have to do that..when i was gonna be alright in a few weeks and able to BRING MYSELF to come visit her. I guess that is where that typical male pride comes in? As a man, i wanted to be able to bring myself up to the woman that i love. Not have her pay my way, it would have been hard for me to even enjoy myself when i was up their because that would be on my mind. I realize all you ladies are rolling your eyes right now but i guess it's part of how we men are wired up..or at least how I am wired. Skipping forward---

So last week since i wasn't coming up to see her, she went home for the week where her mom lives back where she grew up. While she was there, she played tennis every morning with an old friend of her..Yes...i male friend of her. She has quite a few male friends which already can make me a TAD BIT jealous from time to time so this was a little hard for me. I spoke to her about it and basically just apologized because i was having jealous thoughts and feelings. I didn't tell her these things to make her NOT go play tennis. I have just always been open and transparent with her and wanted her to know what was going on inside me (she could tell i was a little off over the phone). She assured me that they were just tennis buddies and that they didnt even have that much in common. Well they played tennis the first couple days and that was all..but then the third day he ended up coming to her house for lunch, just the two of them, then he went out for ice cream with her, then he rode around with her while she ran errands. Which ended up being an all-day affair. Ok---harder for me. That entire day she seemed aloof and she failed to mention to me WHO she was having lunch with and icecream with until a specifically ASKED her later over the phone. Which is NOT typical for her. She was holding back from me, who she was with. I realize that it was mostly because she probably just didnt want me to be jealous so she didnt say it..She never lied about it so... But still our relationship has always been very very open and transparent. So my jealousy grew and it made me become suspicious. I then realized i had heard her talk about him before a long time ago and through my own deduction i realized they were actually more than just tennis buddies back in the day. She never offered me this info. I had to directly ask her "Have you ever slept with him" and her answer was yes. This now became something i obviously was NOT ok with. Spending that much time with another single guy is already could be considered unwise with you are dating someone but an ex-boyfriend whom you've slept with? To me, it was not wise at all. The following day they played tennis then took an hour drive to the beach, just the two of them, and spent all afternoon there...I can't tell you how painful this was for me. My mind was consumed with jealousy, even anger..I was just extremely hurt and what hurt the most is she knew how hard it was for me but she just didnt seem to care that much. I finally broke and confronted her again about the fact that i did not like her spending all this time with a guy she used to sleep with. She made it out like i was trying to control her (which i promise i wasnt..i was just hoping she would make the choice for herself not to hurt me by doing that anymore) She said that if i had come to see her, she would be hanging out with me and that basically she is only hanging out with HIM because I wouldnt come up to see her.

I've been dying for this week to be over so she would go back to her apartment in the city and not be so close to him and she is starting her job in a hospital and will be too busy to play tennis with him anymore. We had this huge long discussion.,.well kind of a fight (which we have NEVER EVER EVER had in a year and a half) Where she basically told me her and this guy are nothing but friend and i am the only one for her and i have nothing to worry about. And that i don't trust her. I swear i do but that doesnt mean it isnt gonna RIP ME APART when she hangs out with him all day long. We got over it but things have changed. Our conversations aren't the same. She doesnt call me as much and when she does..our conversations are like they were before. You should have heard us talking onthe phone..We were so smitten and crazy about each other i would have annoyed you to listen to it. Now its just....BLEH. She seems aloof, like she has somewhere to be or something better to do. I feel like i am BUGGING her by calling her throughout the day..or texting her. I have told her how i feel about it and she promises me that everything is alright..But i know her SO well..you know how you can just tell when something is off? I don't know what to do about this...my stomach for the past 2 weeks have felt like i swallowed several cannonballs and it kills me to think we arent GREAT. I want to call her and be bubbly and silly with her but it isnt happening..she sounds distant..colder almost. It makes me want to cling to her because i truly am desperate for this woman. She is the love of my life and that is no cheesy cliche exaggeration. She is everything to me and i can't help but feel as if she is slipping away. I am so sorry for making this so long and i doubt anyone stuck around to read this novel but i am just going nuts right now. If you all knew me- you would know i am not typically like this. I am an EXTREMELY independant, strong person whom this wouldn't typically bother. But she litterally is all i have. She is my best friend, my true love, my soulmate and i can't imagine my life without her in it.

[ocularone]

PS- for anyone who has heard me talk on this forum so passionately about love and romance. SHE is the reason i am that way. So she isn't just some girl to me.

[kygirl]

So when are you planning to go up to see her? Or when will your finances allow you to do so? Maybe it's just the combination of the extended time and her feeling like you don't trust her and she misses you I'm sure... After a while, it can make anyone feel a bit off... It's also hard maybe if she is used to having money to understand *why* you can't just make a way to come see her. Trust me, I have been that girl before. But now, having to pay off debt and be on a budget where I can't just go do everytime I want to, I understand where you're coming from.

I think the best thing to do is to keep being playful and sweet with her. Do your best to be cheerful and what not about things and if she's still off, maybe ask her if she has other things on her mind. Maybe she is stressed about the new job? I mean, I know that when I think something isn't right with my SO, it throws me off. Maybe you all are just "sensing" it from one another and it's making things tense.

I think once you see her, things will seem better again... How long are you all going to be long distance??

On a not so positive note, if he behavior and attitude continues and she keeps on withholding details from you, I might get a bit concerned. Even if she is concerned about you being jealous or not wanting to deal with it, I find withholding information is never a good thing, especially if you've always been open and honest in the past.

Good luck!!

[Hopeless Dork]

I'd be hotter than fish grease upset if my boyfriend was spending the week with a girl he use to sleep with, sipping ice cream cones and hanging on the beach, long drives, indoor lunches etc... I would be MAD, so in my opinion your gut reaction to the situation is a fairly normal, typical response to how someone might feel in your situation.

That being said, girls are WAY different with how they see male friendships than how men see female friendships. Guys sometimes still hold out that hope that their may be nookie at the end of their friendship rainbow and for girls its not like that. Once a typical girl has put a guy into the 'friend zone'... hes burried there, put up a gravestone with his name and the date she first said 'you're like a brother to me!' because that is the last time she ever saw something sexual between you guys.

So while you can be understandably hurt by the circumstances, you should find some comfort in the fact that if she see's him as a friend and she's in love with you, he will get nothing more from her than company. But when you are in a long distance relationship, even casual company can feel like a betrayal since you don't get to sit in the same room with her for lunch its hurtful that some other man can.

But you love this woman and you are going to have to bite this bullet. Any huge signs of insecurity, any hint of controlling is going to push her away. Its weird the way the mind works sometimes, but the less you push , the closer she will get to you. The harder you push the more she will pull away.

Your relationship is being tested on this distance but trust in the fact that if you guys make it through this, you are all set. If you are feeling insecure, need to vent, are stressed out, do it here, do it with a friend in rl or online... but just don't use her as your sounding board for these insecure thoughts... it will make her question things she shouldn't.

My friend has a jealous husband, jealous in ways beyond anything you can dream up, and she often tells me it makes her think less of him. Me, I am not that way, if my bf gets a twinkle of jealousy I think its adorable and I feel his love in it. But for some girls they see it as a weakness and a turn off and you want to be the man, that same man thats pride didn't let him take the ticket (shame on you for that, she may well be punishing you a bit for not coming by hanging out with this guy, not right, but its possible).

But you kind of have to be that rock, one that is protective without being overprotective, one that is appropriatly jealous as in... claiming what is yours... but not overly jealous as in... she feels you fear losing her. Some women when they can sense a guy's fear of losing them, it makes them question whether or not he feels worthy of her... and if she's never had any doubt that you were, your own actions can plant them. Does he know something I don't?

You have to have an air of confidence that you know you are a good man and you know she ain't going nowhere... playful jealousy is fine, like he better keep his hands to himself!! But whining why why why??? is going to evoke feelings of pity more than guilt... and you don't want that -- not on his distance.

[ocularone]

Thank you both for the really good input. It's always interesting to hear the differences in the way women and men can process things. We are kind of past the whole 'spending time with the ex' thing. However, it has just felt different ever since last week. I trust her 100% but i think sometimes it can be difficult not to met bad thoughts creep in to your mind. I have had to repeat to myself over and over again "You trust her..you know you do".

I think the problem is partially from the way my last relationship ended. I trusted a girl with everything 100% and she told me over and over again that she would be crazy about me forever. Then turns out things change. I guess as much as I trust my girlfriend now, I can't help but secretly fear of that change happening in her also. Even when she tells me now that no matter what happens, she will be for me and me only.


Imagine you as a child are learning to swim. And your father is standing in the water that is way over your head, asking you to jump to his arms. He repeats over and over again that he will catch you and you finally work up the courage to cut loose and jump in, fully trusting he has you. He then misses you and you fall into the deep water, being submersed. Traumatized you get out of the water safely. Skip forward some time in the future- you are faced with the same circumstances, except with a different person. Someone else whom you trust dearly. As much as you trust them and realize they are a different person from the last one who dropped you, you still can't help but be fearful of being dropped again.

This is kind of how i feel at the moment. I trust her completely. I just worry that my defects and flaws as a person will become more and more noticeable to her. Because believe it or not, I am defective.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oc, I noted something that both ladies stated and it's true... "Confidence", first thing that came to my mind as well.

You trust her, but more than likely the problem was/is, you didn't trust "him" and I agree, we all know what the other sex is like when they don't care about anyone but themselves.

But even if he was not being a friend, and "playing for her" attention, so to speak. Ego, call it what you will. A woman in love will not give a hoot about it, or a thought, "unless", their partner goes off the rails and shows a whole lot of in-security, non trust of her, coupled with you "not wanting to go there that weekend", and start to believe "lies" if stated from the other person, if confiding.

So what I am saying, is "let go of your past and your insecurities and your pride" ...

Re:- The Train ride.

There is nothing wrong with being cash strapped for a few weeks. I am at present and my boyfriend is standing in, and I will simply pay him back in a few weeks, my turn, you pay for nothing... That's not being a loser, it's sharing together, situations, problems.

We are women, we are emotional. We get hurt over stupid things, little things and we may even question the pride, opting to do what your doing, blow it out of proportion and think the worse, "he doesn't want to come".

With this "dude". He has no respect. You don't continue following her around like a sheep all day, when you know she has a boyfriend... Your gut feeling may have been right, but with him, not her.

With your "lady" Confidence as the girls stated. She not only needs to know you trust her but also, that you felt he was out of line, like a puppy dog but in a laughing tone and then told, how much you miss her/ missed her and you should have gotten on that train, pride aside.

Just work now on making her feel ultra special again, laugh again, and work out how you can see her, and give her the train fair back...

CW

[jns]

ocularone: your pride is intact, but you are not sure if your relationship is. You should have met your gf's needs, even if it took a hit to your pride. Try a heartfelt mea culpa. More begging forgiveness, less analysis.

[ocularone]

We had a long talk tonight about how it did hurt her that i made the choice to not come and visit her. She didn't understand my reasons, which i can understand why she WOULDN'T understand. I realize it was pretty stupid and honestly, quite selfish of me. I apologized again and we have moved into a place where i am going to give her a little space to get her feelings straight. I told her i didn't want to force conversation on her when she just may not be in a place to have them with me right now. I also just went and pawned my beloved handgun (which trust me..for a red blooded southern virginia ex-marine..thats a huge deal :-P ) and bought a train ticket to go surprise her on thursday. I'm just gonna show up at the hospital she works at and make her take me home with her :-)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That's one heck of a thing to do, wow...

If I can suggest? Don't "ignore" her over the next few days, at least send text messages. "telling her that you've give her space to get her feelings straight and then showing up out of the blue may not get the exact desired effect you are after, until she knows what you sacrificed to get there"

How about simple messages - that will make her smile