[christy89u]

Hi...

I don't really know how to start this. I've never looked for advice on relationships online before, but I'm really desperate, so I'm just gonna try it out.
I'm sorry to all of you if the post will turn out longer than expected...

I have problems understanding my boyfried. First of all, this is the very first relationship I've ever been in and since I'll be 21 in a week, I guess it's kinda unusual. It's his second relationship. He's been in one relationship before, when he was 18, but he says it was something for kids, nothing serious and he didn't have sex there either (whatever. I'm not sure what I believe, but I never press him in this issue, I never bring it up, I just don't like thinking about it. )
4 things about us that might be important to know:
no. 1: he was my first, and he tells me i was his (see above)
no. 2: we were both raised most strictly by each of our conservative and traditionally-thinking parents (to top it off, mine are extremely fundamentalist Christians.)
no. 3: our relationship started over a ONS. it was inofficial (! i.e. no one was allowed to know) for about a year -it became official this March!
no. 4: I forgot. haha I'll post it later.
Hm.

Basically, to put it in a nutshell, my problem is that my boyfriend has problems treating our relationship like a true relationship, not an affaire.
Which is absurd, or paradox, since he is the most jealous person I have ever met (he would kill the guy who touched me), and also the person with the highest standards:
he never wants to have another girl in his life, marry me later on, have kids someday etc. he tells me doesn't look at other girls, watch porn or jack off anymore (not like i care. okay i do. a little. i mean, who wouldn't? but not major-issue-like.), would never have a threesome or go to a swinger club, strib club, whatever. he says he hates the thought of doing stuff that you don't do exclusively with your one and only girlfriend. he seems to be authentic and sincere enough about these things, so there's a couple of things i just don't understand. and i'm beginning to feel the consequences of what his behavior is implying.

-he's still not taking me with him to his friends when he meets with them (we always ONLY meet either in his car, or somewhere in our town with no other people around, like the riverside near the town, whatever)
-he took really long til he was able to be affectionate in public. He says he loves doing it, and he is the most affectionate guy ever, but it took him really really long, now he does do it.. hm.
-he never tells me what he does exactly, believe me I don't get mad ever or make a big deal out of it
It's just that when he like says "I have to go" I'll say "ok no prob, where to?" and he never tells me.
-he still doesn't tell friends who call him that he's with me (he says stuff like "I'm at home, studying.")
-he still won't let me watch his soccer games (all the other guys' girlfriends are allowed to)
-after I told my parents, I basically had to tell my other relatives, because in our family everyone knows everything -.- I didn't mind, I thought it was about time =) and of course I feel like I want to tell everyone. So now he knows my best friends, my family and basic relatives etc. but he's STILL afraid of actually dropping me off at my parents' house, or coming inside and talking to them. Even though, they never talk about the Christian-issue to him, they treat him like any one of my non-Christian friends, completely normal. And he likes them as well, he really does. But why does he have these issues of meeting people that belong to my life- and that like him too? After all this time.
-He still won't introduce me to his very best friend and I don't know why.
-and he doesn't want his parents or relatives to meet me yet. (His whole circle of relatives and family members has been living in this town for generations, so they're basically all in near proximity. he doesn't want them to meet me yet and I don't why.
-he wants us both to move together (neither of us want to stay at our parents' any longer) in the next half year. But I don't know his parents yet, and they both KNOW what's going on. Things he's told me that his mom has said- she saw all the letters I sent him from the US, and has been frequently asking if he has a girlfriend almost every day for the past year. Of course he always denied it, since he's not ready yet to tell his family (mom, dad, one younger sister).

My problem is (and I'm really sorry it took so long!):

It's alright to -objectively- tell the other person how you feel, if you say it in a nice and friendly way, but it's not alright to pressure someone to do something they're not ready for yet.
So the issue with his parents and relatives, friends etc. I've mentioned it, I think 4 times, and he knows how I think, but ever since I've dropped all these issues cuz I didn't want to pressure him into doing something he doesn't feel comfortable with. Or be like a nagging, annoying wife.
The thing is: How long will it take him? I always saw having a boyfriend differently than what it is now. I always thought the guy I wanted to be with forever should be different. Should I still wait? How much longer? He is definitely happy I'm not talking about these things anymore. I used to say how it would be easier for me if he did them and actually showed me our relationship is official, than treating it like an affaire. and ever since i dropped the subject he is evading the subject of changing these issues. And i don't want to change him! I mean, I don't want to always complain about stuff he does and tell him he's gotta change that, cuz that would be wrong, obviously.
I'm afraid to treat him wrongly by talking about it too often, so I've stopped doing so, but I feel... weird.
I feel like I'm always the person that speaks about certain issues, cause he always goes: "Oh, you're right, that's so true, I never saw it that way."
I'm thinking about how it might be later on. What if I have to always suggest to him certain aspects of how to lead a healthy relationship since he always treats it like "Woah! That's new. I never heard that, but... sounds good. And yeah, you're right, let's do it that way."
It's hard to describe, but I kind of was always looking for someone to take the lead, to be dominant and confident and strong, and you know. And I am always the one who has to suggest a certain direction, because he's still so insecure.
I never feel like I'm really his girlfriend, even though he always tells me what all girls want to hear.
I started thinking about causes for his behavior, and sub-consciously, I KNOW it's not true, but idk, it just happened, I started worrying about my looks.
This is really hard to say, and nobody knows, except now I have to tell you guys so you can help me:
Um.
. How am I going to say this.
Nobody's perfect, of course, but I was always happy with how I looked, and thought I was beautiful. All along, you know. I've never had these "I'm so fat, I'm so ugly"- issues before -ever.
Now, it's gotten so bad that I've become so self-conscious I can't have sex girl-on-top-wise anymore without asking him to close his eyes, I haven't let him go down on me once since this became so intense. I never undress in front of him anymore, I can't have sex in the shower anymore, I won't go swimming in public anymore. I don't know how to say this, but I have been doing research on plastic surgery, and have been finding myself trying to save money. I know you will all think I'm crazy but I've been considering everything from boob jobs, to nose jobs to rib-removal, chin-reduction, etc. You-name-it. It's making me feel so bad, because I never was this way.
It's killing me.
I can't talk about that to him, because he would probably really think I'm crazy. I seriously am not, but it's making me scared how I feel about my looks while a year ago I loved myself and had no problems going to the gym or swimming, etc.
I'm a size 6-8.
I'm not blaming anything on him, I just don't know what's wrong. I don't know what's happening to me. I've never felt this insecure EVER in my whole life.
I am overseeing something in this whole relationship, I think I've been missing some detail, not working hard enough, not doing enough, please tell me what I am doing wrong, I'm willing to change my whole life for him, and treat him like he deserves it. I think I'm not treating him like I should, so please help me He doesn't deserve a girlfriend this insecure. I'm not helping him with this either.
I need to find out what to do.
Help me!!!
:-(
Please.

[rcoreyus]

A lot going on. My first comment though is that it sounds like you aren't really comfortable / happy with him (be honest). He is your first love and that may give you an unrealistic impression of how well you get on together. It is possible to have a relationship where you are comfortable and happy most of the time (never always), but this doesn't sound like it.

A few worrisome things:
He seems to be somewhat isolating you from his and your friends. This can be just his shyness and personality, but it is also a tendency in people who become controlling and abusive.

He doesn't want to talk about himself, what he is doing, where he goes. You don't need to know his whereabouts every instant but normally I'd expect him to be happy to talk about his life. Maybe he has something to hide?

Finally, I don't know if it is him or you, but something has you worrying about your looks. Since this has happened since you have been with him, maybe his behavior is causing it in some way? Please don't!!!. You are a reasonable weight, healthy, while I can't see you, I bet you are attractive. If he loves you, then you will be beautiful to you. My wife of 25 years really still looks as beautiful to me as when I met her - I know rationally that can't really be true - but that is what I see.

In general the best thing you can do for your appearance is be happy. A (real) smile is worth more than any amount of enlarging and shrinking of body parts.

I'm straying off topic here, but cosmetic surgery (for someone who is not deformed) really bothers me. Two things: I know some people who work for a company that makes cosmetic surgery equipment - its HORRIFYING - machines literally burn / melt fat (they test it on pork and the lab smells like burning bacon). There are all sorts of side effects and possible long term issues. The other is that I knew a beautiful woman who was lacking in self confidence. Beautiful really didn't describe her - she had a face I can only describe as Angelic. (not just me, other people had noticed as well. She was the most attractive woman I knew. She decided she didn't like her face and got a nose / eye job (and various other stuff). When it was done, she looked generic - like all other modestly attractive women, but had lost that unique beauty that had made her so special. I'm appalled a the surgeon who was willing to do that to her.

Back on topic - Don't worry about your age. 21 is still REALLY young. There are lots of people who don't meet their lifelong love until much later. Don't feel you are stuck - if you aren't really happy (and you don't sound it), leave (politely). Don't blame anyone. There are a lot of wonderful people out there that you will meet.

[christy89u]

thank you so much.
your reply really helped me.
i still need to figure out if i am truly and completely happy with him, and if i am not, find the reasons. maybe he is not the right one for me. i don't want to go on with this relationship for years if it turns out in the end we weren't even meant for each other.
it would just be really hard for me to end this relationship since he says i make him happy in every aspect. i mean, of course he sees the mistakes i make and we talk about them, and i try to change them (e.g. my issue with procrastination), but he is convinced i am the right one for him.
unfortunately, i don't think the same.
is it possible to meet someone who thinks you were made for him, but you aren't so sure about the vice versa part?
i have been thinking about this issue for 3 months now, always fearing that he's not the right one. i really think about it day and night, i can never get this thought out of my head that maybe, maybe... it just wasn't meant to be. and what to do if my secret fears turn out to be true.
is this an indication that we were probably not meant for each other?
or should i give him another chance, and wait a little longer til i am absolutely sure?

[sourpuss]

No wonder you're becoming insecure. Who wouldn't if they had a boyfriend who wouldn't acknowledge that you existed!
I won't get in to the particulars, but I will say that I think you should move on and see who else is out there. If you're dating someone, they should be happy and proud to have you as a girlfriend, not hiding it and hiding his life from you.

You deserve more and you should cut him free so you can find something better.

[Jessielee]

I know what you mean. I didnt start dating till 19, and my problem was that I would attach myself to any guy that was just nice to me. my advice is to not rush dating and beccome freinds with potentitial guys first. I know its hard to start out that way and it will take longer, but it deffinitly helps. And if he doesnt acknolwedge your relationship in public, thats a little fishy. hope this helps.

[Hopeless Dork]

He is treating the relationship like an affair, just like you said. I would not invest any further hopes into this relationship being something long term and serious until he opens up his life to you more. Just because you are his gf doesn't mean you have to know his every move -- but he can't tell you what he's doing when he's away frome you? Ever? Thats just SO weird.

There is no intimacy apart from the sex. By intimacy I mean seeing him play soccer, hanging out with him and his buds -- seeing him in that enviornment is learning more of who he is... and he doesn't seem to want to share that with you.

Now, obviously there is some issue there... but do not instantly think it has anything to do with him being ashamed of you. Perhaps its his family and or friends that he is ashamed of. Perhaps he is worried that you will see something in them that will change your feelings towards him. (an absurd thought as obviously you love this man).

It could also be that he behaves entirely different around these people than he does you... and doesn't want these worlds to collide. He doesn't want you to know that side of him, or doesn't want them to know the side of him that he is when he is with you.

Whatever is going on there is going to stifle how close you two can become, until he gets comfortable with you being involved in his whole life... not just the hour here or there that he spends wit you.

You've mentioned what it would mean to you to be apart of things and he ignores it, time and again. Its like you are dating a shadow, and that isn't very comforting. But you are right, he's not doing it because he doesn't want to... whatever the reason. Hammering away that you are hurt by it isn't going to make him change his feelings on it unless he genuinly wants to.

I'd honestly suggest backing up a bit and not let yourself get too carried away while he hasn't layed down any foundation for this relationship to grow solid roots to. I'm not saying give him an ultimatium. I'm saying the opposite of that. You don't have to announce withdrawing a bit... but you can in your heart try to ease up on hopes of it being any more than it is until he shows you differently.

You deserve to be a part of his life. You should be able to go show up at his soccer matches and root him on. You should be able to stop off at his moms house for dinner with him. Thats what relationships SHOULD be like. You should know oh... he's at a car show today and get to ask him about all the cool things he saw. You shouldn't have to worry and wonder what he is up to. Trust is necessary, but he's not really giving that room to grow while he's being so secretive.

Please do not internalize this. If he didn't think you were beautiful he wouldn't be with you. There is nothing wrong with you and nothing you need to change. If you did all the things you were talking about it wouldn't make him open up anymore than he is willing to anyway. You'll just frankenstein yourself and be in the same position :P

Something else is going on here and it can be as mild as he is embarassed about the way his friends act or treat him, or that maybe his parents have some weird quirk like hoarding But he isn't mixing lives for a reason, and you can't force him to... but you have to know that while he's being a shadow, you can only get so close to him that way.

[rcoreyus]

Yes, it is possible for love to be asymmetric - for person A to seem to be right for B, but B not be right for A. If a relationship like this continues, A will be unhappy, and eventually that will make B unhappy.

Often I think people continue in unhappy relationships for fear of hurting their partners when they leave. I think that hurt is less than spending your life with someone who isn't happy.

I also had my first serious relationships when I was fairly old. It caused me to feel committed to anyone who seemed to care about me without thinking about whether they were right for me.

[christy89u]

thank you all so so much for each of your kind and thoughtful answers.
you've helped me a lot with my decision.
i think that now i know most of what i have to do next, even though i am not sure at all what the end will look like. i just really really wish there's still hope for us two, and that if not, the next step in line i will have to take will at least come off in the most friendly, polite and preferably painless way possible. even though that, as i well know myself, is for the most part wishful thinking.