[lra31094]

My boyfriend and i, although we are only in high school, have known eachother a long time. However, it wasnt until we actually started dating that i met his family. You see, i am an only child. I come from a family that has taught me to appreciate and take care of our home and belongings. My parents dont smoke or drink and expect the same out of me. We are also very faithful to the Lord, and although we make mistakes and sin sometimes, we still try to go by His word. But, my boyfriends family is the COMPLETE oppisite. He is one of six children, the oldest being 21 and expecting, and the youngest being 7. Both of his parents drink and smoke and their vaules are completly different than my parents. His home is a wreck. Its nasty. THere are holes in the walls, floors, and celings. There is stains ALL over the floors. There is only one working bathroom for the whole family of 8 to use and it doesnt even have a door. Im not saying that there is anything wrong with this; if they want to live this way then thats fine. But for me, it is just hard to adjust. Now, my house is no where near perfect. We arent rich or anything near it, but we do respect our things and take care of what we have. I know the house isnt my boyfriends fault, and i would never hold that against him. I do love him a ton, but sometimes its hard to over look the family situation. Its to the point where i want to make up exuses not to go over there. I am now realizing, after dating for about 5 months, that overlooking and avoiding the situation like i had planned on doing, is not going to work in the long run. If anyone has any advice on what i should do, please tell me. I really need some opinions. Thanks so much

[Hopeless Dork]

If he's in high school he really has no control over how his home is looking or taken care of, as you pointed out. Although your relationship is with him and what really matters is how he behaves and treats you... his family is a part of his life and always will be. Maybe he will go to college and get a great job and get a nice place and take care of things in the way his family never did. Or maybe he will stay there always, who's to say... or perhaps he will move out and also be messy and careless.

No one knows the future. I say, you're in highschool... and just dating. I wouldn't put too much worry into any of this if you are really happy with this guy.

If he treats well, is respecful and considerate of your feelings and cares about you... his house shouldn't matter so much. You could meet a guy with a beautiful home and parents, clean and tidy and he could be a total jerk... the quality of the person matters much more than where they came from.

[Ashlee T.]

I get what you're saying.....but try to put yourself in his shoes. It's horribly difficult when you're living in someone elses home, with someone elses habits......but know you're being judged for them. I would imagine that after seeing your home and how your parents live, he probably felt insecure and embarassed about you even seeing his.

But lets say you weren't as fortunate to have good clean tidy parents. Wouldn't you feel frustrated? Would it be any reflection of you?

I will tell you a story, I grew up in a middle class home with two parents that were educated and worked good jobs. They teamed up to keep things tidy and done. But in my last year of HS, my dad unexpectedly died. Then suddenly, there was mom...and me (who was about to leave for college) to take care of this entire home, a pool, pets, and ten acres of property. She lost almost half her income when he died. We struggled immensely. Things changed. THe yard wasn't always mowed, sometimes it looked like you could bale hay out of it. Her two indoor cats started peeing on things and making the inside of the house smell horribly. She just couldn't keep it up, financially or physically. She let things go, because she just couldn't do it.

The guy I had started dating at that time still had both his parents living. His dad worked, and his mom was at home and had always been an at home mom. So at this point in her life, she had nothing really to do but keep the house clean, cook, and work on craft projects. Her house was always spotless. They weren't rich but she didn't have to struggle for money. The difference in his home and mine = daylight and dark. He judged my mom for the way her home was, but failed to put himself into her shoes, or consider why things were the way they were. I saw his judgement, even when he didn't say a word, and the stress and strain that put on me was tremendous.

The moral of the story is, be careful judging, comparing, etc. You just never know why someone is where they are, in the situation they're in. At this point in your bf's life, he really has no choice but to make the best out of what he has. You'll either be the girl that is okay with that, loves him anyway.....or the girl that is not and moves on. Either way, he doesn't deserve to be with someone who's going to judge the people in his life that he loves.

[lra31094]

thanks. and i understand what you mean. i guess sometimes it just gets to me and i dont know how to handle it. Its not like im meaning to judge, because i have no right too. Its just that im having a hard time getting used to it all.

[Maximus]

Ira, you don't have to "get used to", because that would mean you overlook it by sheer will of not seeing, while the long-lasting change required is to accept that things are different for both of you.
The person he is and that you appreciate is different from the place he is in...
I have seen people living in places that we can't imagine, but being billionaires in generosity.