[snuffie]

When talking to some male friends of mine, the subject of intimidating traits and intimidating females cropped up, one of my male friends stated that when he first met me and was interested in something different to friendship and also some of his friends that I know, find me intimidating as a women, that I have a strong personality, strong minded, speak my mind and that they feel I know my mind (maybe too well), they felt that their masculinity was threatened. I see this as their issue with themselves but I do wonder if people have ever being told that they intimidate males? Can I say this isn't in physical or verbal threatening way, I am not that kind of girl.

[cocoa]

Actually, i'm interested in understanding why, because i don't think it's a simple case of it's their issue. I see so many women everyday who present this "i'm a strong, tough, independent" woman, giving the impression that they need to do this in order to be taken seriously. It becomes a posture they use in every situation as a way to prove they are strong, independent women, and i'm not sure it's really necessary. It sometimes across as need to show that they can handle or compete with the guys, which seems forced and pushy. I'd say the same thing about males as well. I don't find overly confident or aggressive males attractive. It just looks stupid to me when they do so. It's like if you know who you are, why do you need to prove it?

[Olympia]

Interesting topic.... I am curious to hear other members views on this as well....
I have had this said to me, many times.. In fact my husband, before he was my husband, stated that to me. It was how i carried myself. I was not at all unapproachable, not mean, rude, deliberately cruel, or egotistical. He stated that i was very classy... This must have been a non verbal cue. Because the way i dressed and carried myself?? As well as when we met the first time it was in a group (maybe 20 of us). And none of us knew one another..
I think because i was comfortable with who i am, and it showed in everything i do or say. Verbal and non verbal..

[mr.mansview]

you sound very confident in yourself..i think most males like that..men who like to control their women probably don't..sounds like the kind of man you wouldn't want anyway..do you think you give off the "get out of my way i can open the door for myself" vibe..? if so i can see men who don't like that attitude in a woman being put off..i think many men, myself included like to open doors for a woman..it shows courtesy..it doesn't show weakness in a woman..it's the way i was brought up..as for speaking your mind..do you usually insist that your way of thinking is always right and come off as abrasive?..if you can honestly answer no the the above questions then perhaps it's the men you meet who are lacking in confidence and respectability..

[Little]

Watching women get trampled on if they aren't big-fat-B-words all around you in western civilization (whether in the media or real life) makes us think that we have to do a lot of things to be taken seriously. That thought is probably right. I know I've been the victim of treatment that would NEVER have come to the offender's mind had I been a man ... many times, in the workplace, in schools, and in simple social situations. I've known many women who never make it above entry-level because they refuse to manage themselves (if they even can,) much less manage others. And without fail, any woman who rises above to manage her own situation and, in the workplace, manage others, gets that Big "B" label.
As Dr. Mansview said, these are probably men who want to control women. They don't want to date somebody who is so well-put-together that they can't be steered. Alternatively, they may just be insecure with their own put-togetherness and be scared off by ANYBODY who is doing well ... or they feel like they need to date someone who "needs" their guidance, who they can mutually rely on ... and they don't think you're it. Any of those lend to the idea of a real personality issue, though their severities really vary. It's not much different than the well-educated girl who dates a dirt-poor high school dropout who's neck-deep in debt ... she wants a fixer-upper, wants to be a hero. Has she got issues? Heck yes. But are they a deal breaker? Maybe not ...
At the end of the day, your confidence is going to attract strong, confident men. That's the kind of person that is best to be with anyways. It may be difficult, but don't worry about anyone you might intimidate. As long as you are treating them with dignity and respect, you are doing nothing wrong.

[snuffie]

ydo you think you give off the "get out of my way i can open the door for myself" vibe..? if so i can see men who don't like that attitude in a woman being put off..i think many men, myself included like to open doors for a woman..it shows courtesy..it doesn't show weakness in a woman..it's the way i was brought up..as for speaking your mind..do you usually insist that your way of thinking is always right and come off as abrasive?

Having doors opened, chairs pulled out for me these gestures are something I respect and accept graciously, as well as compliments ect, I think it is a great quality in a man and don't feel reciving this kind of treatment as a sign of weakness just mutual respect ( I think is it's fantastic trait in men too, huge tick in the box), I am aware that I speak my mind but I also aware,that I am certainly not right on occassions and am open to taking other peoples thoughts and I try my hardest not to force my thoughts on to other people. My ex said that i was aware of myself, my goals and aspirations and it was a quality he admired, however he was 6 years older and the men I speak of are the same age, I wonder if that may contribute?

[Ashlee T.]

For some women it's a facade, and then when they find someone they cave. Sort of like the bait and switch routine. Guys do it all the time. haha. But for some of us, that truly are just independent self assured women, we dont have to "show" anyone we're tough or independent......we just are. Guys see it, and it seems that guys who are emotionally weak, insecure, lower self esteem are the ones who can identify the independent woman quicker....because they're looking in a woman for the qualities the desire in themselves. Men of an independent womans equivalent won't spot her as quickly....because they don't "need" her.

Some of the people I respect most in life are women who are strong, independant, classy. I will always consider this a good thing. The man who is for me, will not be too intimidated by it.

[cocoa]

It seems strong and independent is being narrowly defined. So, i guess if you're not visibly or outwardly demonstrating a seemingly confident, strong or independent persona, then you're not? Isn't this a bit too narrow a definition of strength and independence?

[Ashlee T.]

It seems strong and independent is being narrowly defined

Perhaps you could define what you think it means then?

I don't think it's neccessarily being too narrowly defined, I just think that we were addressing the original post which didn't require an in depth definition of being strong and independent. The OP brought up the topic of men being intimidated by her and a discussion she had with a guy friend. When a man is intimidated by a woman, it is because of his perception of her. I think anyone would acknowledge that his perception of her isn't neccesarily who she is, nor does it mean that if she is perceived as intimidating this automatically means she's strong, independent and classy.

Nonetheless, a common thread in women I know who I very much consider to be strong, independent women based on the way they handle situations in their lives, how they overcome obstacles, how they love, how they live, their appreciation for things in life........is that they all carry themselves in a confident and strong manner. They exude confidence no matter what they wear. They can sit silently in the back corner of a cafe reading a book, and people can sense their strength.

[cocoa]

Perhaps you could define what you think it means then?

Point is we have a narrow definition of these terms we're using. Who we are is not always visible or clearly evident to the naked eye. So, we should be wary of suggesting that if someone doesn't appear to be confident, strong, or assertive, that they aren't.