[Camisado]

I'm 13, 14 in another month and fell absolutely head over heels with my best friend around a year ago, I know practically everything about him, as he does me. Around a week ago [still early days] he asked me out, I said yes, obviously and things have been running fairly smoothly, considering some of his problems. Kevin[my boyfriend]'s from America and I'm from the UK, so it's a long distance relationship, but this doesn't affect the love I have for him, although I sometimes do wish I could hold his hand, or hug/kiss him. Kevin's Bipolar and this, added to the fact that he's bullied by nearly everyone in his school, as well as by his brother and parents really lowers his self esteem. He feels horrible about himself sometimes, like, one moment we could be perfectly happy, talking about the next time he's coming to the UK to visit me, then all of a sudden, he gets upset. He doesn't feel like he's worth my love, but I try so desperately hard to make him see that he is! That he's worth every minute I spend talking to him, every night that I stay up 'til 8am talking to him, but I don't think he sees it.. He thinks I care that he's " ugly " and " fat ", he's not ugly at all, to be quite honest and I love his chubbiness, there's more to hug!! ;D I really wish I could make him see how much I love him, he seems to understand at times, but other times he says things like " You're only dating me, because you feel sorry for me and you're glad you don't have to see my face everyday. " It hurts to think that he actually thinks I'm that shallow and I don't like seeing him so upset. The bullying going on at home and at school actually makes him want to commit suicide :/ When he talks to me about it, I actually feel like crying.. I love him so much and I really don't think I could handle life the way I do without him. He makes me stronger, he gives me a purpose and he gives me someone to love. I wish so bad that I could make him happy enough to stop all these horrible thoughts going through his mind...
I think I'm too young to be in a relationship,
But he's my first and if it ends with him [hoping it doesn't, not for a while at least] I won't have another boyfriend for a while.
Some of my closest friends say I should dump him, because I'm not ready for this kind of relationship, to be someones pillar and keep them up, but I actually think I am, I can handle it, it's honestly not doing me any harm, not changing the way I think, not changing anything about my life, all it does is make me love him even more, make me want to be there for him even more.
I don't think dumping him would be the answer, either, he'd only end up worse and possibly ACTUALLY committing suicide, then I'd feel even worse. :/

I really don't know what to do, how to help him..
I really love him and I want him to see that.
Judging by everything I've told you, can anyone help me think of a solution??

[Mes T]

Hey there hon,

Firstly a boy should never "give you purpose" as you say. The key to the happiest relationships is to find your own purpose in life, on your own, and THEN find someone to share it with.

Secondly you can't stay in a relationship just because you worry what the other person might do to himself if you leave.

Looks like he's got quite an emotional hold on you, in a bad way. You spend your days trying to make him feel better... Well, if he is truly bipolar, a young girl like you is not enough to help him. Really, it isn't. Maybe in books and movies it works... but not in real life.

I agree with your friends that you shouldn't be with this person. Whether you're too young to be in a relationship or not is your call, but a person of ANY age should probably not be with a boy who has such severe problems as that.

You're so young and full of spirit... I know you say you can "handle" this guy, but you won't be able to for long. Some day he'll bring you down with him.

[cocoa]

I'm 13, 14 in another month and fell absolutely head over heels with my best friend around a year ago, I know practically everything about him, as he does me. Around a week ago [still early days] he asked me out, I said yes, obviously and things have been running fairly smoothly, considering some of his problems. Kevin[my boyfriend]'s from America and I'm from the UK, so it's a long distance relationship, but this doesn't affect the love I have for him, although I sometimes do wish I could hold his hand, or hug/kiss him. Kevin's Bipolar and this, added to the fact that he's bullied by nearly everyone in his school, as well as by his brother and parents really lowers his self esteem. He feels horrible about himself sometimes, like, one moment we could be perfectly happy, talking about the next time he's coming to the UK to visit me, then all of a sudden, he gets upset. He doesn't feel like he's worth my love, but I try so desperately hard to make him see that he is! That he's worth every minute I spend talking to him, every night that I stay up 'til 8am talking to him, but I don't think he sees it.. He thinks I care that he's " ugly " and " fat ", he's not ugly at all, to be quite honest and I love his chubbiness, there's more to hug!! ;D I really wish I could make him see how much I love him, he seems to understand at times, but other times he says things like " You're only dating me, because you feel sorry for me and you're glad you don't have to see my face everyday. " It hurts to think that he actually thinks I'm that shallow and I don't like seeing him so upset. The bullying going on at home and at school actually makes him want to commit suicide :/ When he talks to me about it, I actually feel like crying.. I love him so much and I really don't think I could handle life the way I do without him. He makes me stronger, he gives me a purpose and he gives me someone to love. I wish so bad that I could make him happy enough to stop all these horrible thoughts going through his mind...
I think I'm too young to be in a relationship,
But he's my first and if it ends with him [hoping it doesn't, not for a while at least] I won't have another boyfriend for a while.
Some of my closest friends say I should dump him, because I'm not ready for this kind of relationship, to be someones pillar and keep them up, but I actually think I am, I can handle it, it's honestly not doing me any harm, not changing the way I think, not changing anything about my life, all it does is make me love him even more, make me want to be there for him even more.
I don't think dumping him would be the answer, either, he'd only end up worse and possibly ACTUALLY committing suicide, then I'd feel even worse. :/

I really don't know what to do, how to help him..
I really love him and I want him to see that.
Judging by everything I've told you, can anyone help me think of a solution??

First of all, sounds like you have an amazing capacity to love and give. And it seems you can handle more than most and it hasn't affected you as much as it would someone else, which I think this is admirable. But i agree with the poster above that although you love him and want to be a good friend, having someone depend on you so much is probably not best in the long term for you or for them. This doesn't mean you need to abandon your friend altogether, but he needs to develop a stronger sense of self and self confidence that is not dependent on how he is seen or treated by others including you. If you continue in the relationship, he'll probably continue to use you as a crutch, and he may develop a stronger and more unhealthy attachment to you, rather than learn to value who he is as an individual. He probably needs to get some counseling, learn coping strategies which can help him handle the abuse. I think your friend probably wants the best for you, and doesn't want you to see you hurt by this friendship/relationship. So, a relationship may not be the best thing for either. In the end, for any healthy relationship to take place, you want the other person to be a strong emotional support for you. It's ok to do what's best for you at this time even if he may not understand. All the best.

[hizenberg]

ok sweety i am going to sound in sensitive but i mean well. ok, firstly your are 13, and at that age forget about boys,dating,kissing ,bla ,bla etc. they will hurt you and when you get hurt at that age it stings and the pain is surreal. i know this because at 13 i fell 'head over heels in love' (or so i thought ,now im older ive realized differently) i toatally loved him and thought the sun shined out of his butt. He was emotionalley unstable, maybe bi polar i thought at the time but he was 16 so who knows, but he used mind games and cheated and used my naivety to get me to loose my virginity to him. So after 5months together we went motor bike riding together,which we used to do alot, and ended up having a acciedent and dying . Leaving me shattered, with no answers to all the rumours of his cheating. Today it still hurts a little ,mostly because i wish i had of waited till i was at least 16-17 and that i had answers to some of the rumours and storys i was told by his mates.He left me with a hole to fill,and i hope you see what im trying to say is that when i see a young girl and 'falling' in love i want to save them and tell them to forget about boys ,focus on you, learn about who you are, get to know yourself and be a teenager . he wont do anything im sure, because if he would have he would have done it by now. i dont know take what you can from your relationship in a good way and i hope you all the best.

[hizenberg]

p.s. sorry i didnt mean to make it sound as if it were about me, sorry about i have a tendancy to rant and rave hope i was kinda helpful and i wish you all the best.I hope that it works out for you

[Tiptopshape]

For me, I think that as long as you're happy being with him, continue to be there for him. I'm sure it's not that easy to have Bipolar disorder and I give credit to you for having stood by him up until now. You should at least suggest to him to get the help he needs if he wants to get better.
But if you feel that you're unhappy and miserable during the course of the relationship and he refuses the help, then by all means, you wouldn't have to be guilty breaking it up with him. It's definitely not your fault since you've done all there is to make the relationship work. You're still young, you have yet to experience lots while you mature. Hope all goes well for you.

[wednesdaymorning]

I must agree at being very impressed by your loving capacity. Always remember that and be conscious of it. Don't lose something so precious.

As for your boyfriend: No one can tell you what to do about this. But the advice I have is to back it up a few notches if not, leave him completely. He is adding unwanted stress to your life and you have to wonder if it's really worth it. Also, if he isn't confident in himself, you can't expect him to be good in a relationship. Someone who is self-obsessively self-conscious is just that, self obsessed. It leaves little room for you or a relationship. This is a one-sided situation you have, in which he demands your pity and you get nothing in return but a few kind words here and there. Really weigh the options and think about why you're asking for advice. You have some doubts.

As for the suicide talk, that is a major red flag as well. If you are worried about him, I wouldn't hesitate to get in touch with his school or his parents or a friend or anyone to tell them to keep an eye on him. That's dangerous territory.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My love, welcome to the Forum..

Your a very mature young lady.

Isn't first time love magical This is one that you will remember for the rest of your life.

You say "when he comes to the UK again", so that means he has already been and you've both met and he's met your parents as well? Just curious.... helps with the answers here.

I know there are alot of Mother's on this Forum so knowing your nearly 14, will result in them advising as a Mum as well and that's perfectly fine, because you need to hear all sides of things as well.

I know you can handle this and I know you love talking to him, laughing, sharing... and I can see where you feel sorry for him as well, but he needs to believe... anything is possible.

Have you ever looked up Bi-polar? Maybe you can gain a better understanding and the pros and cons of it, how it affects people, is it there for life, etc...

Staying up until 8am, goodness, I couldn't do that, not without my work suffering... Here you have to also have your other dreams in place, you never, ever, let go of life dreams, for one dream in the now, or else you won't be able to live those dreams later.. You need sleep as well and to concentrate on all those other dreams you have or will have, ie) what do you want to be? We only have a few years to work on that or else we are lost, in the system... Don't let that happen sweet.

Suicidal talks are scary aren't they? Never, ever, think that anything you do or don't do makes that your fault in life by the way, a person if they carry that out, has more than one problem... What does he say his parents do to help, you suggest they don't help him at all... What does he want to be? What are his dreams and goals?

We all want to save people in this World and love people even more when they are hurting and down, but don't cloud this with for ever after... it's in the now, he's in your life now.

You have to be strong and be your own person, follow still your own dreams, as well as talking and communicating with him and when he talks rubbish tell him that and tell him he needs to be tougher and re-afirm your care for him, but leave it at that and don't let it eat at you...

I think your taking on a lot of responsibility for someone you age with someone you care about, as your heart is pure and good but it's not something you can handle completely on your own.

Can I ask what your parents think and if you can and do talk to them about all of this?

CW