[SeaBlossom]

Hi,
About a year and a half ago, i met for drinks with a classmate and from that "date" we kicked start a secret relationship that we still have to this date. A friend of mine told me that we were playing with fire and that one of us was gonna end up falling in love with the other and one of us was gonna end up hurt. Its been a year and just a couple of months ago i've been feeling different about him. I thought it was just sex between us, and i was happy that way. But when i had an encounter with one of my exes, it just made me think. My ex asked me to move in with him and he even suggested we get married. Thats when i realized, i'm not in love with him any more and i dont even like him in bed anymore. I realized that i love everything about "S" (my former classmate) and i think i might be in love with him. I have asked him (S) about getting serious, but he just avoids talking about the subject. Since the beginning we hardly spent time together, we only get together at night, for sex and then go our separate ways. How am i suppose to have a serious conversation with him if he avoids talking to me. And i find myself so afraid of loosing him that i just continue doing whatever makes him happy. I dont understand, all of my life i thought my ex was the one, and i was waiting for him. He was my first and ONLY boyfriend, the rest were just "sex partners" and i thought seeing him again that everything would end between me and "S" but it seems that everything died between me and my ex and every drop of feeling i have in my soul is now for "S" or maybe am just obssessed with "S" because he avoids me. Please, i need advice...

[Mes T]

Well the next time you get together for sex, start this (difficult yet VERY necessary) conversation, before getting into anything physical.

This is a conversation that has to happen. If he feels the same way as you, then that's great, your relationship can evolve to be what you want it to be.

If he doesn't feel the same way, then that will be your cue to move on and realize that perhaps you're obsessed over what you think this man COULD be, not what he ACTUALLY IS.

Whichever scenario happens will be better than keeping things as they are now, not knowing.

Good luck.

[Julietpinkrose]

I agree with Mes_T ....

You need to know where you stand, that conversation has to happen either way ....

[Hopeless Dork]

This is the problem with friends with benefits situations... almost always the reason they occur in the first place is one person just wants sex, and the other is hoping for a relationship... but will settle for the just sex scenerio and hold out hope for something bigger to develop, when the other person has made it clear they aren't wanting that. Or even if both parties start out with just physical relationships in mind -- one will end up catch feelings, and having sex with someone usually can cause some serious emotional attachments that make breaking things off a hard painful thought.

If you have tried to talk to him about making it more... and he avoids it, its likely he isn't interested in more. I think it would serve you best to stop having sex with him until he can talk to you or see you in non sexual situations. Because as long as you keep sleeping with him, he has no reason to take the time to figure out if he can be there for you completely, like a boyfriend because the status quo is being kept.

Next time you guys make plans together... ask that you do something different... go to dinner, or go hiking or go do something where talking is on the menu and sex difficult to achieve. If he refuses to do things with you that don't involve going to his or your place for sex, its pretty clear that its something he's just not ready for and you have to ask yourself if the sex is worth risking you falling deeper and deeper for an emotionally unavailable man.

[PandaPaws]

This is the problem with friends with benefits situations... almost always the reason they occur in the first place is one person just wants sex, and the other is hoping for a relationship... but will settle for the just sex scenerio and hold out hope for something bigger to develop, when the other person has made it clear they aren't wanting that. Or even if both parties start out with just physical relationships in mind -- one will end up catch feelings, and having sex with someone usually can cause some serious emotional attachments that make breaking things off a hard painful thought.

If you have tried to talk to him about making it more... and he avoids it, its likely he isn't interested in more. I think it would serve you best to stop having sex with him until he can talk to you or see you in non sexual situations. Because as long as you keep sleeping with him, he has no reason to take the time to figure out if he can be there for you completely, like a boyfriend because the status quo is being kept.

Next time you guys make plans together... ask that you do something different... go to dinner, or go hiking or go do something where talking is on the menu and sex difficult to achieve. If he refuses to do things with you that don't involve going to his or your place for sex, its pretty clear that its something he's just not ready for and you have to ask yourself if the sex is worth risking you falling deeper and deeper for an emotionally unavailable man.

Great advice

[sourpuss]

What is it that you love about him? In my opinion, just sex and no other time (good and bad) spent together is hardly enough to base feelings of love from, you know. Are you sure that's really how you feel or that you're feeling like you need to fill a void in the relationship and make it more simply because that's what people are 'supposed' to do?

[Texinator]

What is it that you love about him? In my opinion, just sex and no other time (good and bad) spent together is hardly enough to base feelings of love from, you know. Are you sure that's really how you feel or that you're feeling like you need to fill a void in the relationship and make it more simply because that's what people are 'supposed' to do?

That's what I'm wondering. What is there to base the love on if it is just sex? Especially if you can't even have a serious conversation?