[Jaidana]

I needed somewhere to ask for advice, and I needed advice from strangers who can give me an all-round opinion on my situation so here goes..

I'm 20 years old, and I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. I have a very controlling mother who suffers from extreme selfishness and STILL tries to control my every move.

2 years ago, I moved to England with my boyfriend to live with his parents for a while, because I had to escape my mother. We recently moved back up to live with her for uni as I thought she had changed in that time, but it's the worst mistake I could EVER have made.

She's nothing but an unreasonable bully, the kind of person who does not or will not listen to any other person's opinion, ever. She is a compulsive liar and denies her actions and words even if there are 3 witnesses in the room to say she did it. I try to talk to her, I try to scream at her, I try threatening her to move back out, but she just beats me down. End of story.

She treats my stepdad (who has brought me up since I was 2) like complete , takes all his money and has been having affairs for around 6 years because he works away from home. Right now her boyfriend and herself have been "seeing" each other for 2 years almost... he's married, with kids and grandchildren. He is the only person she doesn't abuse.

My boyfriend is the kindest, most loving, most gentle person I have ever met; he's loved by all his friends, my friends, his and my family dearly. We have an amazing relationship, but I fear my mother is going to break it down.

We've lived together for 2years and a half altogether now, and he's recently applied and accepted student accommodation at the university we're going to be studying at, because he cannot stand the way my mother treats my brother and I. She forces my brother to do stupid stuff, like cutting the grass 4 times a day, and making her food and coffee whilst she sits, unemployed, on benefits, on her **** all day. He's a fool for doing it, you may say, but if he doesn't she kicks off and beats him and smashes up his belongings. I've had this since I was about 13, and now she has started on him.

I was looking to get a flat with a family friend, Becca, as Alex just wants some space to himself and doesn't want to take on the responsibility of a flat whilst we study at uni - that's perfectly fine, right? I'm 100% fine with it, as is he, because we know we have a strong, trusting relationship. But my mother has made it her business to tell EVERYONE. All my family and her friends, but of course adds on her famous little lies - like saying he was hitting me in England, he's constantly moody with me. that he's using me, and she doesn't think it'll last. It's NOTHING like that! Anyone who sees us together can see how amazing we are, and how much we love each other. All she cares about is her image! She could not STAND to let people think he ever moved out because of her, so she's making it out that he's a complete and it's all my fault.

Talking to her is out of the question, I'm honest to God not exaggerating. All she does is scream and pull out of her that no one has ever said or done, and persists she's right. I've never met anyone like her before! She is a compulsive liar! The lies she tells her boyfriend about people is extremely dangerous, and completely unfair on everyone around her. She thinks she's perfect, that she's God's Gift.

My boyfriend is extremely unhappy living here, as am I - but I can't apply for student accommodation now as they have no spare rooms, and financially I simply cannot afford a flat right now. It would take about 6months to save up some money to move out, and I'm terrified she is going to break my relationship in that time. She is evil and twisted, and I don't know how to get her to stop, and just let me live my life.

As for reporting her to the law? You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you she manipulates them to make everyone else look like a liar and a fool. She had an affair with a good Christian (pff, yea right?) policeman, and now every one of them down at the station thinks she's awesome because she picks up and drops men like toys. She flirts with EVERYONE, or puts on waterworks to get them on her side. She will do ANYTHING to protect her image, and I just wish that someone knew what she was really like!

My boyfriend has already stated he'd like to try and avoid coming anywhere near the house because of the unprovoked abuse she hurls at everyone, including him, and I don't want him to be miserable every time he comes to see me. I have no clue what to do. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I just keep bouncing back and forward between them, become more and more beaten and broken along the way.

I don't really think there's an answer to my problem - but this is my cry for help. I'm slipping into depression and my heart is breaking because I just want to be able to enjoy my relationship and concentrate on my future...

[WildChild]

You can't change your mother, only she can do that. Don't resort to screaming at her, that is just you acting like her. Take the high road and keep your behavior and responses more rational.
I think you should apply for student accomodation, even if you don't get in right away, you could at least be on the list and you never know how quickly things can change. People often apply and have a change in plans that creates openings.

[sourpuss]

I agree with WC. Don't stoop to her level and get out of the situation. Why are you living there in the first place?
You can't worry about what she says to other people, that's just what she does and you won't change that. I'm sure the people she gossips to know how she is and don't believe her anyway.

You need to physically leave the situation and stop trying to change her. Focus on school.

[Jaidana]

I gave up trying to change her a long time ago, heh..

Uni is my main focus, above all else (boyfriends can come and go at any time, right?).

I'm living here because I like to be in familiar surroundings; this was going to be perfect for uni, and save me a of a lot of money. And in those 2 years I lived in England, I honestly thought she had changed; she was warm, loving and a great person whenever we visited. I thought her new boyfriend had changed her, but in the little time we've been back, she's gone back to her old self.

Now I have to either live here in misery until I get some money behind me, or I have to move into student accomodation which is going to drain my money very quickly (£80 rent per week, food not included!). If I wanted to keep that up I'd literally be at uni 3 days per week, and have to work the other 4 full days at work; where's my time to study and relax? Not to mention she shower rooms are communal, and it's the students' responsibilities to keep the building clean.. I have an OCD about cleanliness and personal hygene >_<; ..

I think my only option is to wait it out for another 4-6months to get some money behind me, and then move out with Becca. She's in a similar situation, so at least we can live in misery together, right?

I'm just praying Alex doesn't let her get in the way, because she's determined to break this for us, and she will do everything she can. He's the only one who can keep me smiling, he's the only one who actually goes out his way to make me happy. And I think that's why I've become so attached to him, haha =\

[WildChild]

You could try calling her on her behavior. Not by fighting or making accusations but when she starts in calmly, firmly asking, " why are you ____?"
"Why are you yelling at me?'"
"Why would you want to say something like that?"
"Why are you saying that? You know it isn't true".
"Now Mum, you know Egbert is the sweetest man in the world, why would you say that about him?"
"Mum, you know that isn't true and I'm sure SuzieQ doesn't want to hear it"
Don't worry about other people being around, keep calling her on it.
You can roll your eyes, look slightly bemused (like dealing with an exasperating but slightly demented half-wit) and say, "now Mum let's not start that again"
If she asks inappropriate questions, give her a blank look and say, "why do you want to know?"

Other than that I suggest that you work and save - make sure she can't get at your earnings, study in the library or other places as much as possible and see your bf away from the house as much as you can.

[Jaidana]

Thanks again, Wild

Your help has made me feel a little more confident, I'll just react the way you have said, and hopefully she'll back down a bit.

[Ashlee T.]

I think it's crucial that you move out. You may always love her as your mother, but you are not required to like her. She's detrimental to your happiness, to your success.

You will not change her, not more than she will change you. She sounds dreadful.... but know that she will not be changed by you or by anything you say to her. Set your expectations on something you CAN achieve.... like getting out of that situation. You CAN achieve that. Be innovative, creative...brainstorm.... find a way out. Lots of people find roomies and a big house and all split rent so it's affordable, work part time jobs and go to school. You can do it. And before long, those will be your familiar surroundings.

First things first.... find a way to get out of that house and stop living with her.

[hizenberg]

oh my god, this woman sounds just like my mum except she is single and has gotten to a age where she cant use her looks to get what she wants. And i bet she is also a contidicting &*%^& sorry i have the same problem with my mum and i had to move out and it was the best thing i ever did.She would meddle and get involved where she wasnt needed,and cry and blah blah same simular story to you.Idont see her anymore as my younger sibbling has also moved out and she is now a lonely miserble alcoholic,dont get me wrong i still love her,but she has caused me so much pain.And it has taken me until now to finalley start to make some change within my self esteem as she crumbled it and also my ex,
Dear Jaidana, i hope you can get out as soon as possible, i am not familuar with financial help in the u.k., but if you can go to a hostel,or a friends couch i say do it as soon as you can as obviousley your partner sounds like a great guy and obviousley loves and cares about you and you dont want him to see you suffer for too long as he may not be able to bite his tounge for much longer and eventualley snap and give your mum what she craves... attention and sympthany.
As for your relationship ever changing with her i dont know if it will,i dont think women like this evre change and if the do it will too late and the damage is already done.
Good luck and i hope you find a solution soon as no one can live like this,trust me i been there and it eventually takes its toll on you. My heart go's out for you