[sourpuss]

What do you guys have in common? What was the initial attraction that made you fall for one another?

[caterpillar79]

What are the things that he say and do for you that make you happy? And what do you do for him?

[Agony_Aunt]

Chandler's Wish
I have a wide range of friends who are my age and in there 30's. We all go out at the wkends, do fun stuff together as friends do. Over a year ago we met up wit more friends of friends. and thats when i met him. at first we all got on great but for some reason he was the one that caught my eye. After more times of us all heading out and getiing to know him more i started ti like him more, he did not know this at that point though. Eventually weeks later, we were at the beach one day, all of us. We were having fun and some of us decided to go horse trekking on the beach, i asked him if he'd like to go and he did.
We wandered off and got talking and joking and having a laugh with each other. Really enjoying eachother's company. We decided to take a break and have a sit down, which we did. Sitting there still and talking we eventually kissed.
I did not expect that to happen, and he then confessed for the past few hours he had been trying to pluck up the courage! And he thought i would give him a slap! To his surprise i didn't!
That was the first time we kissed.
Since that then we had got together again, just the two of us. Then it carried on and we were seeing each other alot.
We would go out and go for meals and drinks, really just getting to know eachother more.
Each time we always kissed at the end of the night and that was it.
One night at a party we had gone up to bed but just lay there talking, we fell asleep and still lay in bed the next day, nothing happened.
I wondered why he hadn't tried anything because in that situation, lets say most men would have.

On another ocassion we were in bed and, getting close. And he stopped and asked was i sure this is what i wanted, because he didn't want me to feel pressured or anyting like that. And his view on that was that it has to be both people that want it to happen. He has a very respectable view on woman. He questioned me that night on whether i did want it to happen beacuse he didn't want me waking up in the morning and regretting it, or for it to damage the friendship that we had also built.

We had carried on seeing eachother, and when months had passed i realised that i was starting to develop feelings for him and i got worried.
I thought that at the time, we were just seeing eachother and that as a relationship, it wouldn't work.
I kinda backed off for a while then instead of getting deeper. I thought it was the right thing to do so i told him that i had a lot of family problems and stuff going on in my mind and that we should just be friends now. He agreed.
Again then as we are all friends, we still saw eachother, and i admit when i had seen him again, i still felt that "connection".
2 months later he said we need to talk about the way thing had gone between us.
I knew i still had feelings for him but i didn't want him to know because i didn't think he felt as strong as I did.
So when we spoke, i told him it was fun what we had but now we're still friends and thats it.
But he told me, it was more than fun what we had, that there was feeling between us and he tried denying it because he thought i didnt feel that way.
He told me he hadn't stopped thinking about me and was going to call me so many times but just couldn't.
I told him then that I did have feelings for him and didn't tell him for the same reasons he didnt tell me.

we began seeing each other again. And now we still are
We have great times together.
Just there last month, he blind folded me and put me in to the car. I really didnt know where we were going.
Eventually we got to our destination, but he took me out of the car and we walked, i was still blind folded.
When he took off the blind fold we were back up at the beach at the very spot where we first kissed.
We also go out together for drinks and meals still. thankfully we dont get looked at or anything like that.
He worries about that sometimes and says he would never want me to be embarressed like that.
I try to comfort his worries by telling him i never would be.

Some of you had asked what he's looking for in this relationship apart from being attracted to my youth.

Every day, he tells me how he thinks the world of me.
And has never felt this way about anyone before.
There has been times when he says he wished he was only 20 and starting out thing now.
But i reassure him that i feel the way i do now because of who he is now.

The only problem with this is, my family and their disapproval.
I'd love for my parents to just be happy for me.
But i feel that it is a choice between them and him.

[WildChild]

Not so very many years ago this would have been considered a very suitable age difference. My grandmother was 16 and grandfather in his mid 30s when they married. It was thought to be a good match - he was stable and able to provide for a family, she was young, pretty and could have lots of children. Our expectations have changed. In general people seem to take longer to mature now. We get young women/girls here who talk about being in relationships with a significant age difference and many seem all too vulnerable, young and dependant.

In the days when marriage good or terrible was often for a lifetime and women were really forced into dependency, the reasons for choosing a man so much older were different. He may be a wonderful man and you may have a great relationship, I don't know. What I do know is that in today's world you NEED to get your education, spend some time supporting yourself and have some means of earning a living income. How supportive is he of any of this?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Family, will also, accept over time as blood is thicker than water...

The way I see it, your parents accepted that your group of friends comprised of older people, it stands to reason that you may fall for an older person therefore.. They, more than likely feel as you would, that a man that age, is using you for his own self gain..

I'd say to you this, you forgot to talk or answer about your goals, dreams, career

And WC bought that up too, in amongst in the oldern days, it worked..

But, if you could show your family your an Adult, your progressing with your life, work/career wise, they will note that, you are not throwing away your life, yet, they can't change your mind about (emotions)...

This may pass as well, he may be romantic and you may get along really well.. I would suggest perhaps, that you focus on all aspects of your life, not just him, and just take the journey slowly and see where your at in a years time, instead of both looking so far into the future..

I'd like to think you are Adult enough to not throw your life away, career wise, even if you have no passions, or goals, that you sit down and work those out and throw them into this equation...

Can't see, why you both need to talk so far into the future and I'd like to think that he as a mature man is encouraging you as well to go for the world, it's your oyster and encourage you to make it in this world. My only feeling there is, seeing as he has fear of 5 years time, he will stop you because you will have more power, meet more people your age, and definately change (grow) more once 21 and may do exactly what he fears..

At 21, I left my boyfriend of 4 years, as I had grown but he was still the same.. I had matured, he hadn't and I had goals and dreams and he was drifting.. Change does change the way you look at someone, and trust me, still til today, apart from my current man He was the best boyfriend out of all the boyfriends I had, in the way in which we got on and the way in which he treated me, yet I still walked.. no regrets, but good memories....

CW

[Agony_Aunt]

Yes my friends ages range from my age to in their 30's. My parents are okay with that but i think its just because they are friends and nothing more apart from him.

I'm a trainee accountant in an accountants and also attend evening course for it also.
He left school when he was younger and became a mechanic and always praises me for doing something with my career, so i know that sometimes i can be up to my eye balls with assignments and work, but he respects that.
I hope to do very well for myself with this and then hopefully do some travelling and see the world.
I'm very independent, and i know my parents see me as an adult, but still think I am making a very wrong decision.

My mother once said to me that she couldn't accept it and that it was just "wrong".
It really does feel like I have to make a choice between my family and him, and in which case I love both very much.
I know that if I ever had to choose, of course I'd choose my family, but I'd consider that to not be fair.
It feels like they will never come around to it and if the relationship was to continue, I'd still want my family to be apart of my life.
But if it is the case of being with him means loosing my family, then thats why I am considering ending the relationship, despite doing that would very difficult and something I very muchly do not want to do.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Seems you have your head screwed on the right way.

Seems also though that you do have dreams and goals and aspirations and you must stick with that, including the travelling.

Accountancy is an excellent field to be in.

It also seems that your family do see you as an Adult, but don't trust this relationship, his intentions and can't get past the age factor.

Again, family is family, I can't see them making you choose and you are right, that would be wrong... however, you may have to accept that it's their house and in that, he may never be able to visit or be a part of gatherings...

I still say, just go with the flow, work at your career and take things slowly, no rush after all your only 17, if he chooses that he needs/wants more, then at that point in time I guess you will have to re-think all of this.

Just suggest to him, to see where you are both at in 12 months time...

I do think that you will change every year and grow, been there. And, I also think we tend to look for that "father figure" regardless of age and as you hang around with older people, your drawn to that..

If your family kick up... consider this... if it's love or meant to be, it will be, now and in 5 years time....It won't matter if you both move on, it just will be at some point.

CW

[Agony_Aunt]

Thank you!

I was 17 when we met, I'll be turning 19 soon.

I do understand where my family is coming from. And i do respect that they are at the end of the day only trying to look out for me.
I am also the only girl in the house, with 5 brothers and they are all trying to look out for me.

Even if they did accept it, I dont think I would be completly up for bringing him to family gatherings if I thought he would be looked down at or judged for that matter.

I will definatly stick to my dreams, if anything they are the one thing in life you can always keep and call your own.

I have been drawn to his maturity, because most guys my age would talk for hours about play station games!
He's charming, caring, kind and has a witty sense of humour which I love about him!
He's just one of those people who light up the room.

Your right, if it is meant to be it will be, regardless of anything.

Thank You, CW

[lime_lemur]

I had a very strong relationship with a much older man when I was pretty young... about 17 and about the same age gap. It never ended up becoming more than secret feelings for each other because we knew it wouldn't be acceptable. I really did care for him deeply despite the age gap. It fell apart unfortunately.. it's hard to make a relationship work when you can't even tell anyone about it, or even really see each other.

However, I don't think an older man interested in a young woman is necessarily immature. I work with a guy who looks about 25... but he's actually mid/late 30's.. he just looks young, lives young, and enjoys it. Not immature, just young in spirit. Age gaps work are fine.. but it's easier when you're both older.

[Agony_Aunt]

Thank You, I agree with him not being immature.
And i think that in most cases the guy is usually always older than the girl even if it is a big age gap.

But again I'm feeling the same way and thinking about it not being "acceptable", family wise, my friends are all ok with it and don't have any problems.

But then again, is it fair that society can put a label on a relationship?