[angel wings]

No i dont think society or anyone for that matter has a right to put a label on anyones relationship.....i think that people have the right to choose and be happy within there decisions........and i do totally understand with what everyone has been saying due to you being 19 soon and your bf being 38 but u seem to be mature and and level headed.......i just know that relationships can work when there is an age difference as in any relationship if its what you both want at the time....im in one myself where im actually the older one lol and its working out just fine, we have been together for a year and a half and hes the best thing that has ever happened to me....as i have said previously you cant help who you fall for and click with, it just happens and what is meant to be will be........as long as you stay being yourself and not changing for anyone and get out of life what you want and of course do all of the things that you want to do........

[Agony_Aunt]

I have found that all these posts have helped me ALOT.
I didn't come on here looking for answers that I wasn't getting any where else, nor to hear what i want to be told about it.
I'm very greatful for everybody's advice and for not judging me, as I feared would that would happen.
My mind was blurred and everybody who posted helped me see things a little more clearly.
I am planning on seeing him later today and talking about everything with him

[Hopeless Dork]

Thats great Aunt, this is a great place to vent, and bounce some thoughts against the wall and have other give you some feedback that is unbiased to who you are personally... since we don't know who you are personally

I think everything you get back in feedback should only be taken with a grain of salt, to provoke thoughts and inner dialogue with yourself to maybe point out angles you havent considered and let you , even if in your own mind, counter the things you don't think apply to your him.

We all are going to live our lives the way we want to. When I was 18... no one could have told me they knew what was best for me, even if they hopped off a time machine and could prove to me what my mistakes would lead to... I wouldn't buy it and would have to make them myself to learn and grow. I am not saying you are making a mistake in being with this man... I'm simply stating that all people like yoru family can do is express their concern, offer guidence with the truest of intentions and then let you live your life armed with a little voice in the back of your mind that will pop up and help you question yourself or others when things get squirrly.

But to experience life is to live it for yourself, making your own decisions (albeit hopefully they are informed as much as possible).

[LeanaBrook]

Um.... I am a HUGE fan of seeing older men. Im 29 and have a 41 year old boyfriend. But I'm a little older than you so I've learned from EXPERIENCE that I love older men. I started dating at 18... i dated guys my age, younger, 7 years older, 15 years older, you name it. I am BY FAR more of a fan of older men. My x-boyfriend was 6 years older and he always seemed like he was checking out the hot younger walking by our table. Even though we loved each other and I KNEW he'd never cheat on me, I never really felt that he'd stop thinking about if he could actually get a younger girl. Now I AM that younger girl. I am the girl that my boyfriends X-wife will say "I KNEW IT... i knew he'd end up with someone younger!!" about. I do feel very shallow for even expressing these feelings... but I guess it's the threads fault. It's something I've thought about for years so I felt the need to share.

[Agony_Aunt]

No I'm very happy that you did. I believe it's okay to like older men, especially if they make you feel better than younger men do.
Someone said to me in this thread that you really can't help who you fall for or click with, and I believe that.
Now I must admit and I have always liked older men myself, but this time he's alot older.
I think you get drawn to someone on a maturity level also.
I've been told that even though I am 18 now that if guessed most people think I'm in my mid 20's.

Everyone will always have their "type" of person that they are drawn to and attracted to.
And really shouldn't be bothered by the judgement of others, unless it is in a way that someone is looking out for you.

I also believe that, yes my family are trying to look out for me on this one, and hope I am not making a mistake.
But really, you can't learn properly from somebody else's mistakes.
Because, the best mistakes you learn are the one's you learn from, yourself.

[lonestar]

If this truly works for you, then go with it and see where it goes. If it is ultimately destructive, break it off now.
I was in a similar boat when I was 18-19; I had a fling (non-sexual) with a 38 year old. But I always knew it would never lead anywhere. Maybe it's just the curiousity? Have you read much Vladmir Nabokov?
I am dating an older guy right now- he's 26 and I just turned 22. The age difference has its pros and cons. The pro side to an older guy is that he is more understanding and has been where you are before and knows what you are going through.
The con side majorly (for me) is that he is asking me to grow up too fast. He is 26 and getting close to ready to settle down. I fully plan on spending the rest of my life with him, but not before I enjoy my golden years!
This is my concern for you- you are only 18. You have not had time to experience much yet. that being said, you cannot choose who you love. Maybe he is the one for you. just don't rule out that he's not.
And you are right about the mistakes- people can tell you not to do something, but it just makes you want to try it for yourself. Unfortunately, yes... we must learn from our own mistakes. They can be devastating but ultimately constructive to your future character.

[WildChild]

Love the perspectives here. What a difference a decade can make. At 22, 4 years either way can be a completely difference place in life. BUT at any age, you can both be the same age and be at completely levels of maturity, experience and life competencey. I've been on the planet more than twice as long as some of you, I know people older than me who are less mature and ones quite a bit younger who are as mature. Time and experience are important but the older you get the more age becomes just a number. What counts is that you connect, repect and value each other and enrich each other's lives.

My first husband was a few years older than me, my kid's father was more than 8 years younger, my more recent ex-husband is my age. Problems in these relationships really had little or nothing to do with age. I'm currently spending time with a man with whom there is greater age difference than any of you have talked about and we get on just great. We spend hours in philosophical life discussions, he has given me a great deal to think about, motivation to examime some new ideas, and get some things done.

I do find some concern over the reasons some of you prefer a much older man. Relationships should not be a means of avoiding growth, you have to watch that. Many times people who are drawn to someone quite a bit older may be looking more for a parental figure, so you have to watch out for that too because you may 'grow up' and find yourself wanting out. Sometimes people are attracted to a young person as a ego thing. It boosts their self esteem to think they can attract and keep up someone much younger. But then you can get involved with someone your age for all the wrong reasons too. Just try to stay aware of where you are really coming from. You don't want to wake up one day and realize you were just his mid life crisis in action.

If you are thinking lifelong commitment remember that men, on average, don't live as long as women. Although men in relationships live longer than those who stay single and woman who are single live longer than those who are in relationships. LOL. Hmmmm. Actually I understand that as women move into more high stress work situations that is changing.

[Agony_Aunt]

I'm not going to look to much in to the future for the time being, I'm planning on enjoying the way things are now, because they are good.

As Lonestar said, I am gonna just go with it and see where it goes.

Our maturity levels are pretty much the same, we have no issue's about that, and obviously if it was a major problem, I don't think we'd still be together now over a year.
And we bring out the best in each other.
As you said Wildchild, with your partner being older also, you can learn from him, and he has a better understanding about certain things you may be going through, because he has already been there.
Both not only do I learn from him, he learns from me.
I bring out his youthful side and he see's the mature adult in me, despite the ages.
He partakes in the activities hobbies I have, and I do the same for him. We both give to the relationship, which helps.

My only real concern about this relationship is the judgement and critisism from family, because it is the only thing stopping this relationship from being any better than it could be.

And I don't believe that everybody in an age gap relationship, should be labelled looking for the parental figure that may not have been present in their life.
Thankfully, I have both my parents and all my siblings. I've had a very happy childhood, and grew up in a happy enviroment at home.
My family and I are very close and supportive of each other, unfortunately just not with this relationship.

[jns]

If you and your bf stay together for the long run, family will usually come around. They think you are making a mistake and see him in many ways as nothing more than a pervert that goes after young girls. When my parents got married, my mom was 19 and a few days before 20 and my father was 35. It caused tongues to wag and consternation by her mother. However, they are coming up on their 56th anniversary, so it cannot be too bad. A century ago or more it was not unusual for an older man to take a younger wife. In some countries and cultures it is still the norm.

[Agony_Aunt]

Yes, I understand that.
but the worst thing about it too, is that it almost like living two lives.
My home life and my life with him. Because they are completely seperate.
He doesn't come in to the house because I wouldn't do that on him, I wouldn't have him in there knowing what they think and having him feel uncomfortable and un-wanted.
I've met his sister's and their husbands, and they are great. They don't treat me any differently and accept me as his partner.
My family question what he wants with someone my age, and vice versa.
They have branded it "wrong" and say it will never work, they've known a few months now about us and really have mind made up about it.
It's actually the first time in my life that my parents aren't supporting a choice I've made.