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Help me out ladies!

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  • Help me out ladies!

    So here's the situation. I met this wonderful gal a little over a year ago. We live in different towns (about 200 miles apart) but are somewhat in the same profession so we see each other professionally occassionally.

    We started talking more and more, and it turns out we have ton in common and have developed a really good friendship. The problem is I want more.

    I asked her to a wedding recently and she accepted, on the premise that it's "only as friends, because I really value our friendship." We had a great time.

    More recently, she invited me on a camping trip with some of her family and friends; and again we had a great time. I haven't tried to take things further because of her comments. Yet at the end of the trip one of her best friends said "it's so nice to finally meet you; I've heard so much about you." And then later, she let me know that her dad thought I was a really good guy.

    I guess I'm confused. I know I should probably bring things up, but I don't know how to bring it up that I really enjoy her company and like her a lot and that I'd like to try and take things further. I'm guessing/assuming that there are a couple factors: distance as mentioned before, and age - I'm several years older than her.

    Any advice?

  • She's talked about you to her friends and family = she's interested in you.

    However, it does seem that she's being careful about starting a long distance relationship (I doubt age is an issue, unless you're over 12 years older than her and she is relatively young, which can make a woman have second thoughts). Long distance relationships are not for everyone. They demand a lot of trust and honesty from both sides. She may have insecurity issues, she may just want to be able to date you properly without having to go on a trip to do so. It takes a lot out of someone to commit to such a relationship (I've been through this and I wouldn't recommend it).

    If you two get together and agree to live together at some point that would mean that one of you would have to move. She may not want to be the one who moves, no matter how much she likes you.

    You need to learn how she feels about long distance relationships, whether she'd ever consider moving to another city, and other such issues that you can bring up in casual conversation. She seems to like you but at the same time she seems concerned about the practical side of such a relationship.


    • I thinked Stressed has summed it up well. It does sound like she is interested in you but skittish about the situation. The stronger you make the friendship, the more likely this will be less of an issue.


      • Yeah, stressed has it covered (and I ditto the long distance thing; some girls just need to be held). Definitely talk to her. Don't stress her out, but it definitely needs to be brought up.
        vivre bien


        • Thanks for the comments...

          I do need to bring it up eventually; I just am not sure how to do it, as I don't want to stress her out, and I do value our growing friendship...


          • what do you have to lose? Do you think you would really want to just stay friends with her? Like if she were to meet some guy she likes, could you still be "just friends". From experience, if I tell friends and family about a new boy (opposed to some guy friend i grew up with) that probably means I like them ( if i didnt have interest in them, my friends/ fam would know NOT to make comments like "it's so nice to finally meet you; I've heard so much about you.".. nor would I tell the guy that my dad thinks he is a really great guy).... so I think you actually have a shot with this gal. If I were you (plus a little more courage) I would start the dialog exactly how you started it with us....."
            "I guess I'm confused. I know I should probably bring things up, but I don't know how to bring it up that I really enjoy her (YOUR) company and like her (YOU) a lot and that I'd like to try and take things further.".... Long distance relationships are not for everyone."... They definitely take time energy and a certain level of self control... all I can say is... break a leg, hopefully your heart doesn't go down with it.
            hope that helps.


            • Definitely talk to her.humor,indirect,seriously.....


              • Write her an email. Like ash said, you have nothing to lose.


                • Thanks all, I really don't want to bring it up over e-mail, so I'm hoping to have the nerve to bring this up next time I see her.


                  • I actually agree with you, AZ - bringing this up over e-mail strikes me as a bit of a cop-out. It would give off the impression that you don't have the courage to talk about the important things in person. It's a LOT more nerve-wracking to bring it up in person, but you can certainly do so tactfully without putting her in an awkward position.


                    • Well, I finally was able to have the chat, as I felt like she was playing games with me - specifically attention games: she knew that I'd respond to every txt, call, whatever. I ignored her for a few days and started getting all sorts of strange texts about how she hadn't heard from me in forever, and she really missed me, etc. And then I'd talk with her and she would be sorta absent. I finally told her that I felt she was playing games with me. She got really defensive and stated that she thought of me as one of her best friends and never did anything to suggest otherwise, and when I brought up specific examples, she got even more defensive. I stood my ground and told her how I felt, and she acknowledged that she had no intention of hurting me and that she felt this whole thing was extremely unfortunate and that she hoped we could still talk. I've ignored her since. Despite her reaching out in many different ways (EXCEPT a phone call -- txt, email, facebook, etc) to make contact. I truly feel she was playing me all along just for attention. I shouldn't say "just" - but that she really craved the attention. I heard from a couple other friends who know both of us that concur with my assessment......seems she is just one of those gals that really needs male attention, without any intention of anything else. Well, at least that's my read on it....


                      • Very likely you are right.


                        • Agreed....usually when someone gets extremely defensive about something you've said about them, it means you've struck a little nerve of truth.


                          • She keeps trying to get my attention, but I'm not responding....she even asked a couple of common friends of ours what she could to do "get me to respond, as she didn't do anything at all; and I won't talk to her." Thankfully, one of those common friends is a really good friend of mine and she told her to drop it, as I said my piece and she didn't seem to want to listen. I love having good friends.

                            I still would like to clear the air eventually with her - but haven't figured out what to say, and when...


                            • It could be that she just wanted attention, it could be that she just truly wanted to be your friend, had no intentions of hooking up with you... and was hurt to have to lose a friend over the fact that she didn't want more than a friendship.

                              Thats the thing that is hard about having guys as friends is ... they usually see a friendship as a potential for having 'more than friendship'. Some women are guilty of that too. It would be different if she was telling you she was into you, being sexual with you etc... but it doesn't sound like she was.

                              I can understand you feeling hurt that you invested your time into hanging with a girl you hope liked you as more than a friend... but when you decide to be a womans friend , you have to first assume that she may only see you as a friend -- and decide whether or not you want her as a friend if there is no chance of more. If thats not the case... its not entirely fair of you either to enter into a friendship only to see where it goes romantically and if it doesn't go where you want it to , to pull out of the friendship and call her an attention seeker (which may well be the case, but also may be that she just really wanted you for a friend)

                              Did she really lead you on? Did you do things for her that a boyfriend does? Like did she use for rides anywhere or to buy her things? If she just genuinly enjoyed your company and didn't attempt to use you, maybe its possible you may be being too hard on her? Sorry, for the devils advocate take on it.

                              But the bottom line of the matter is, if you know you are into her... its best to stay away. If she doesn't want to be more than friends and if you want more... that friendship would really lead to nothing but heartache. Girls tend to put guys into mental catagories and when a guy finds himself the friend box... its very hard for her to see him romantically.

                              I've seen so many times where a guy will befriend a woman he has a crush on hoping that if he will be able to show her just how funny and charming and smart he is and she will want to be more than friends... but that happens far less likely than the opposite of that.
                              Last edited by Hopeless Dork; 12-21-2010, 04:54 AM.
                              Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.



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