[T-man]

Hey Ladies,

Here's the story. I've been dating this girl for about 5 months. We haven't verbalised the fact that we are boyfriend and girlfriend though she has on several occasion told me she loves me, that I'm the best she's had etc. I'm 29 and she's 27. We have a good relationship and an excellent physical relationship and I mean that she orgasms far more often than I do. This is ok, I love giving her pleasure.

Anyway, two nights ago she went out to dinner with her friend. Lets call the friend Amy to keep things simple. Amy is friends with my girls ex boyfriend. Apparently he has been pestering Amy to arrange a meeting and she invited him to the dinner with out telling my girl, let's call my girl Lisa. So Lisa did not know that he was coming and was rightfully surprised and a little angry with Amy. She listened to what he had to say. Lisa is Japanese so it is in her culture not to cause a scene, especially in public. So he apparently confessed his love for her and wants her back and was very passionate. Lisa was surprised by his passion.

That's all the details I have. Lisa told me this over sms but we haven't really talked about it and we are not meeting until Sunday. We are both very busy. So far I've been quite relaxed about it.

A few other details, we've been dating about 5 months, since May, been away for a weekend and planning another. When ever we spend time together we are very happy, she often txts me right after leaving saying how happy she is when she is with me. She has told me several times she loves me though from my own point of view it appeared quite fast however I respected her feelings of course. I am not Japanese, I'm Irish.
They broke up in Feb. A rebound relationship usually doesnt last more than two months, so I do not consider this to be a rebound relationship.

All this sounds really positive right...

However....

I have no idea what their relationship was before, serious or not, who broke up with who, if she loved him. She told me she didn't want to talk to with about her ex-bf. Which is understandable yet the day after she was feeling a little sick in her stomach and didn't eat much. She told me this.

I've never had to deal with this situation before. So I'm a little unsure about what to do.

About me, I am very confident, intelligent, respectful man, and I very much respect others opinions however I will not tolerate any disrespect towards me. I am not insecure, I am 100% percent certain that I can and will find another girl. I would be disappointed though, as I do like her.

things I won't do.
Tell her she can't she him.
Tell her to choose.
Tell her to not contact him.

This is how I feel.
If she wants to see him again then it means that she has unresolved feelings for him. That's fine. She can she him again but I will walk away. I will not wait around on the sidelines while she makes a decision. If things fall apart and she calls me up again, then I will see where I am in my life at that time.

If she keeps in contact with him then I will never take the relationship to the next level while she is still in contact with him.

Now let's put things in context. I am very good friends with one of my ex girlfriends, this is not the same situation. She hasn't seen or been in contact with him, he turns up saying I want you back, she re-initiates contact. Completely different.


Finally, These scenarios are still in the hypothetical. All I know is that he wants her back.


What I would like from you.

Please do not write back saying things like...

just wait and see
talk to her
etc, etc, etc.

I think it's obvious that I'm not losing my head here. And those comments are not helpful. I will talk to her on Sunday, I don't want to do it on the phone and want to give her some space now anyway.

What I would like is a female perspective on whether you believe my potential reactions to her decisions are over reactions, any similar experiences you've had and any other advice you can give me.

Do I love her? No, but that shouldn't be an issue. The issue is about honesty and respect. I like her a lot and I really enjoy being with her. Maybe that will develop in to a deep love, but I'm the kinda guy who needs to know someone for longer before that happens.

Thanks in advance
T-man

[lizzardb63]

I think its good you're waiting to talk to her in person. I don't know why she wouldn't want to talk to you about her ex, especially after 5 months. That's usually one of the first talks couples have just to feel out how the other person may feel about their ex. I can respect that she didn't want to though because that can cause problems too. I don't think you're overreacting. I am not sure what kind of advice can be given here, but you will have to see what she says about it. I think its a little strange that she tells you she loves you but you are sure you don't love her. Why not? Is the connection not there for you?

[T-man]

Hey girls,

Thanks for your replies.

For lizzard, I have been in love before, a few times etc etc. Now I'm just slow to get there. Yes we connect really well, physically and emotionally and yes I love being with her but am I in love with her. For me it is so definite and serious and not something I will say lightly. Now, I'm not suggesting she is saying it lightly, what I'm saying is, I need more than the physical to love someone. I need a deep mental and emotional connection and I'm slow to open myself up. That's why I am certain i don't love her yet. i would like to have the time to see.

Sungodess, well, it really has been only a few days and well the first day, she was a little slow to txt me back, but overall no. The second day, I don't know as I updated the software on my iphone and it cut all my emails. It's all emails to phones over here in Japan, sms is rarely used. I only realised well into the evening, too late to go to the store to fix it. So, maybe she didn't txt me today, which would be unusual, maybe she did. It's really bad timing that my phone screwed up, but lol, I just don't know.

[lizzardb63]

Okay, i understand now. I think if you talk to her about it, you will get it all figured out. The main thing is to just be honest.

[Agony_Aunt]

Nice to see another Irish person on here!

Firstly I think you have to be careful about the rebound relationship. These can last more than 2 months, speaking from experience here. Mine was 5-6 months and when my ex got back in contact, within 2 week's we were back together. Because I still had strong feelings for him, although I did kinda have feelings for the other guy to, but not as strong as my ex.

She hasn't been open to you about her past relationship with this guy, but I think she should be now because of the current situation.

The things you need to ask her are:
How did she feel when she saw him again? How did she feel after he told her he wants her back?
Yon need to ask why the relationship ended and if she still has feelings for him. If she does care about you, she will be honest with you and either tell you she still has feelings for her ex or she will remind you of the feelings she has for you.
You have to appreciate her honesty about telling you about seeing her ex again and what he said too.

[WildChild]

I think you are being very measured in your response. You both need to have this resolved before your relationship can go any further. It is difficult to be really connected to someone who isn't emotionally clear. She needs to know if the old relationship is really over. It could be that seeing him her heart went pitter pat but she will find if she spends some time with him, that it really is over. Or she may find there is still something there. Either way you both need to know. I just hope the old bf isn't playing some ego game, seeing if he can get her back.

[T-man]

Hi everyone,

Thank you all for your replies. You have been very helpful in settling my nerves and showing me that I was reacting in an ok manner.

So I had a good chat with her, we did it over the phone because, well, rather annoyingly my phone stopped receiving messages. She had emailed me last night and then got a little freaked out when I didn't answer. Of course I was thinking, why hasn't she emailed me. lol

Anyway, we had a good chat, she told me that she had been very surprised to see him. She told me that they had dated for about a year and that she had loved him. She also said she had left him. She said that he always had so many ideas and different ways of thinking, that she likes his way of thinking but that he was changing his thoughts so much while they were going out, that it became very tiring.

I asked her how did she feel when he said that he wanted to be with her again and that he still loved her etc. She said that she told him that she couldn't, she had a new boyfriend who she loved. He asked if they could be friends and she said that would be difficult for her. He asked if they could stay in contact and she said, again that would be difficult and maybe she wouldn't answer. (please remember that being direct is not really part of Japanese culture, saying it would be difficult means no.)

I asked her if she still had feelings for him and she said no, that she loved me. I thanked her for her honesty and told her I appreciate it but also told her that whatever happens in the future I need her to be honest with me too.

So she asked me how I was feeling, and I just said to her That I wasn't going to tell her what to do, it's her decision but that I had been concerned what it would have meant for our relationship if she still had feelings for her ex.

So, I guess that's pretty good then :-) (though I'm a little suspicious by nature lol)

Thanks girls for guiding me through my first, her ex wants her back, experience. Agony Aunt, those questions were very helpful and, yep, it's good to know there's a few more Irish here.

[pretzel]

Are you sure you wanted to give such a measured response to her very positive affirmation of your relationship?

[T-man]

Well it was measured while I listened to her, but of course I told her that was good and I was glad things went this way. Then we chatted about other things. Remember we we're on the phone. I'll certainly won't give her a measured response next time I see her :-)

[pretzel]

Sounds good to me.